What do you say to a woman who has given birth to members of the military?

Thank you for your cervix.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/saxtrav
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does the military insist on wearing a uniform?

To minimise casual tees

πŸ‘︎ 156
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πŸ‘€︎ u/severus_snape9
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report
How does a military fanatic season their food?

With a salt rifle and pepper spray.

πŸ‘︎ 56
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jzerene
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
🚨︎ report
My son (3M) keeps asking if he can join the military.

When I tell him he's too young, he says he wants to join the infantry.

πŸ‘︎ 199
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mush_Tilly
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What color are military submarines?

Deep navy

πŸ‘︎ 107
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Keyseymoney
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What do military cows wear?

CowMooFlage

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Matiik16
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What part of the military are trees in?

I don't know, they have too many branches.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RayneStorme93
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What is a Military Police Officers favorite dish?

Scan-di-navi-an

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoMercy786
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
General Kitchy-Kitchy just led a military coup!

It's a Kitchy-Kitchy Koo

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zenpod
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a military shipment full of t rexes?

small arms

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Major_Cupcake
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do military bases have such little amounts of insects?

Because they are strict no-fly zones.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/minecraftepic420
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know that the military has an officer designated for taking care of restrooms?

He's a loo tenant.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
A video game addict was playing a military game

He quickly achieved the rank of β€œtreem ”, rather high up in the rankings. However, it was not long lasting, as after a series of events he was demoted. His parents grew very annoyed of hearing him talking about having been a treem, his unfair demotion, and how much he hated his new position. Now, the gamer’s family often made little newspapers to share personal achievements and events with their family.

This weeks top headline read, β€œex-treem dissed appointment”.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iamayurt
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What will newborn babies become if the Goverment use them in a secret military project?

They wil be some fine ass Infantry

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zomaima1010
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the military general refuse to use social media?

It was his personal creed to never surrender or retweet.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stooftheoof
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Im at an Iranian military post

Edit: This post just blew up

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sirtsu55
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does Norway put barcodes on their military ships?

So when they return, they can Scandinavian

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Radnegone
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Denmark, Norway, and Sweden just implemented bar codes on all their military ships.

That way, whenever one of them comes into port, they can Scandinavian.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/movieguy2004
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a mammal in the military?

G.I raffe

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/greywind721
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
The military just came to my house. Guess what I did
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of animal joins the military?

An army-dillo.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call corn in the military?

Kernel

πŸ‘︎ 69
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Longjumping_Pie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do the Norwegians put barcodes on their military vessels?

So when they get back they can Scandinavian

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_RivenRoth_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you say to a Hispanic father around Christmas who wears polartec and served in the military?

Fleece Navy Dad

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
🚨︎ report
An old man lay dying under the ceiling fan which had the bearing of a military helicopter airily surveying the aftermath of a natural disaster.

Surrounded by his son, his twin daughters and a haggard-looking nurse who looked about ready to end it all if only she could find the bloody switch, he was finally breathing his last.

His son, who loved him dearly and wasn't at all sure if he had been cut out of the will or not, burst into tears at the plight of a man who would look more at home in a red woolly outfit than he ever could in drab, white linen.

"I do not wish to die today, Anthony", he intoned fixing his gaze slightly above his son's left shoulder, "there is something you must do to save me."

"Tell me what to do dad, I can't bear to look at you this way", cried Anthony.

"There is a land, not far from here, where no one ever dies. It is not for dying you see. That is where I must go."

"Where is this place father? Tell me, and I shall take you to it."

"Take me there now", he said faintly as if in great pain, "Take me to, The Living Room."

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LazyLeo1337
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2018
🚨︎ report
What’s protocol #1 for the Norwegian military?

To Scandinavian

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kshiau
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a military police unit that Specializes in the stoppage of marijuana sale?

a JOINT taskforce!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hawkeye_GG
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I used to be a financial advisor for the military..

One time a contractor approached me and asked if I wanted to buy some panzers that his company built.

I considered it for a while but remembered that the air force needed to get new fighter jets.

I turn back to the contractor and say, β€œsorry, but we just don’t have enough room in the budget. Thanks but no tanks.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Bandit_TFR
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Why is the military so strict about their uniforms?

To minimize casual tees

πŸ‘︎ 789
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AmarSB2001
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2018
🚨︎ report
The Air Force is the most patriotic arm of the US military.

Because they’re USAF.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Shambud
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a sandwich lover in the military?

A Sub-Marine!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dabber_Danny
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Mathematicians were in charge of the military.

After all, why would they put everyone in divisions?

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun-isher42
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I have been trying to convince people on a military history subreddit that I’m French.

Finally I gave up.

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend asked if the military pays well...

I said don't worry, you'll make a killing

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Theguyofri
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
🚨︎ report
What is the nickname of the military officers who are in charge of the military's marching band?

The top brass.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun-isher42
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Which branch of military is the most patriotic in the United States?

The Air Force, because they're US AF.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Noir_Reaper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
🚨︎ report
Companies that make prosthetics for soldiers are military-grade arms dealers
πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report
It's weird how everyone in the military skips leg day

They all look army

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jonnyb3000
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Why does the military use belts that are only one color?

Because they're uniform belts!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CryptoReaper5
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I fought with a socialist sniper in the military

He was an impressive Marxman.

πŸ‘︎ 184
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ryotaiku
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2016
🚨︎ report
If a bellybutton joined the military, what would he apply for?

He would apply to be a Naval Officer

Edit: Words

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/newbness
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the popcorn that got kicked out of the military

It used to be a kernel

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CryptoReaper5
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2018
🚨︎ report
Eddie Vedder of Pearl Jam has a father who was known for his skills as a Jedi and military leader.

They call him Darth Vedder.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stratospher
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Happy Military Day!

March forth!

(And to my dad, happy anniversary of telling this joke every year of my childhood.)

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pushSpeakman
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
🚨︎ report
The military man survived mustard gas and pepper spray

He was a seasoned veteran

πŸ‘︎ 61
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/UchihaDivergent
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2017
🚨︎ report
In the movie Avatar, ever notice Jake was in the wrong branch of the military?

That's why he joined the Na'vi.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Torley_
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
🚨︎ report
what do you call a sapling in the military?

infant-tree (infantry)

πŸ‘︎ 63
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Primeruler
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2016
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the U.S military making missiles out of wheat?

I hear they're bread for combat.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EthanObi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
🚨︎ report
Did I ever tell you about my dentist? He told me he was Ex military.

He used to be the Drill Instructor... And specialised in extractions.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Smatt-
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2018
🚨︎ report
Never wear feline prosthetic limbs that have been given a high military ranking...

It's a major faux paw.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Do ISIS fighters on the front lines head back to a mess tent for their dinner like other military forces?

... Or when they're feeling peckish do they just hit up the Allahu Snackbar?

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Batshit_Betty
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Why is the Norwegian military putting barcodes on their ships?

So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian!

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kshiau
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2018
🚨︎ report
Do you know why the Norwegian military is putting bar codes on their ships?

I heard it’s so when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kshiau
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2018
🚨︎ report
What do people in the military call their jokes?

G. I. Jokes

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Christletoe
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2018
🚨︎ report
TIL you can't eat ice cream in the military

Apparently you get arrested for desserting.

πŸ‘︎ 89
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2017
🚨︎ report
King Henry V's greatest military achievement was capturing Harfleur with a single marshmallow

One s'more unto the breach, dear friends, one s'more

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAnagramancer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2018
🚨︎ report
While in combat, military pilots have a fight and flight reaction.

Yes?

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Capt_McCracken
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2018
🚨︎ report
To all the military moms out there...

thank you for your cervix!

πŸ‘︎ 278
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/donutgabe
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2015
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the Latino boy whose father works happily on a military vessel?

He has a feliz navy dad.

πŸ‘︎ 319
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notBjoern
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2015
🚨︎ report
What do you call an intelligent military machine?

A Think Tank.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/e3-po
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2017
🚨︎ report
I was telling my dad about some of my military training.

"So next week we get to practice detaching our harnesses from our parachutes while being pulled along the ground. It should be a lot of fun!"

"Sounds like a real drag to me"

...Dammit Pops.

πŸ‘︎ 390
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iliketojeep
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2015
🚨︎ report
What do you call a group of military babies?

An infantry…

πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2017
🚨︎ report
You know, why don't they enlist babies in the military?

I mean, there's a reason they called it the INFANTry.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cryptolites
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2017
🚨︎ report
Many seem to think military commanders are real tough guys

They are actually pretty general folk

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/acedace
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the military's new laser weapon?

It uses ultraviolent light

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/paul_senzee
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2017
🚨︎ report
Why did The Weather Girls join the military academy?

They're training men! Hallelujah! They're training men! Amen!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_itnoc_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call a military vehicle that doesn't quite believe you?

A skeptic tank.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wizard7926
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2017
🚨︎ report
Where do botanists go when they first join the military?

They go to Root Camp.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2015
🚨︎ report
In other news, today a military arborist was tried and hanged...

...for committing treason.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/programminggeek
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2016
🚨︎ report
What's an unmanned military drone in Boston called?

Robot in da skies.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FyreFlu
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2015
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the famous German Colonel who left the military?

He was a hot dog of a soldier until the kraut mustard out.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xwhy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2016
🚨︎ report
Any military battle fought on December 25th...

is a war on Christmas.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mhoke63
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2015
🚨︎ report
Which singer would be best suited for the roman military?

Britney Spears

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/apan145
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2015
🚨︎ report
We asked our mechanics to spray one our panels tan. [x-post /r/Military
πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/McDaanalds
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2013
🚨︎ report
Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?

The Air Force; they're US AF

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Smithmonkey98
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
🚨︎ report

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