Teacher: Give me a sentence using the words defense, defeat and detail.

Student: When a horse jumps over defense, defeat goes before detail.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/c8choruta
πŸ“…︎ May 18
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My wife says I’m getting fat, but in my defense....

I’ve had a lot on my plate recently

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weiderman316
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09
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The corona virus just learned self defense.

They were taught Kung Flu.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MattBatz1991
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31
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Convict: I plead not guilty Judge: What is your defense

Convict: Well if u r what you eat, I'm an innocent man.

(Credit to my man Bryce)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tricky_Nick007
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
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Why do snails take self defense classes.

So they don't get assaulted.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/snuggeybug
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
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The instructor in my self defense class told me that the most effective place to kick a man is near his knees.

Personally, I think it’s nuts

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Nightman_82
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
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Why did they add 2 more layers of defense to Fort 43?

To 45 it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/paperarrow
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
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If someone writes a biography about American Defense Secretary Jim Mattis they should call it...

Life in General

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yellow_Forklift
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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One time my cat chased down a drone and brought it to me. The drone's owner accused me of theft. In my defense, I said it wasn't stolen...

...it was purr-chased

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrLazyTiger
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
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Did you hear what happened to that Department of Defense employee?

He's pentagone

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πŸ‘€︎ u/graafslaaf
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
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What do you call a painter who practices self defense?

A martial artist!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maddieie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
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What was the photographer's defense in court?

Says he was framed.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stgm_at
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2018
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I’ve just completed a self defense course…

I wouldn’t recommend anyone attack me in slow motion now…

πŸ‘︎ 253
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2017
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You tell a player that he is not good at defense.

Now that's offensive.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1-STARrating
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2018
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Dad-jokes for self-defense (crossposted from /r/funny)

https://i.redd.it/4nxahotzfku11.jpg

As mentioned on /r/funny, it's a shame we don't know the actual joke used here.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dmdeemer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2018
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What did the lawyer say in the mesothelioma case say in defense of his client?

He was just doing asbestos he could!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jellysquidd
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2018
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Found Out Donald Trump's Favorite Form of Self Defense

Krav MAGA

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πŸ‘€︎ u/keefmastaflex
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2017
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In defense of punnishment. m.youtube.com/watch?v=Gtl…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dyspaereunia
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2016
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What does a Jewish baker use for self defense?

Jew Dough!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Smajon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2017
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What did Daddy Skunk say to his children at the start of their self defense class?

Let us spray.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slowshot
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2017
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I bet the Department of Defense gives the low-quality rations to submarines.

After all, they're sub-optimal.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/i-kant_even
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2017
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πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DuckWithATie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2015
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What is the new Canadian Defense Minister's Plan of Attack?

Sikh and destroy

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flanagoon
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2015
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Did you hear about that new self defense bread?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fallwalking
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2013
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My son has recently decided to become a defense attorney

I guess you could say he's my son in law...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ojcoolj
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2015
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Self defense

If I were to easily kill a fellow with a drinking tube.

My self defense plea would be a straw man argument.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/staizer
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2015
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I asked my dad why he always says I need to work on my defense when I play basketball alone.

Cause the ball keeps going over de'fence'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BaudG
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2014
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In his defense, it IS more accurate

My dad is convinced that he coined the term "SQTM" online, meaning "smiling quietly to myself," in lieu of the often-hyperbolized "LOL." And tries to implement it frequently.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lachicareal
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2013
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