My sister is a really good defensive driver

Anytime someone looks at her she starts justifying her actions

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Savannah_P_Frost
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 03 2020
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Rudy Gobert should win the NBA Defensive player of the year award...

He shut the whole league down this year!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Good_Kid_Mad_City
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 23 2020
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What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?

Apple Turnover

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Kerlandays
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 12 2019
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If someone has already submitted a joke about defensive swordsmanship...

...sorry for the riposte.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 16
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 19 2019
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The Jewish nation that replaced palestine is defensive about its existance.

Is real.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Mutant_Llama1
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 11 2016
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I hear Denver's Defensive Coordinator is dyne to change his name...

to Pascal. He hopes to contain Cam Newton to a one meter square area.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/flaspike
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 26 2016
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I love building canadian defensive structures

I guess you can say it's my fort eh?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Corn46
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 09 2016
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Did a test for defensive driving

I had to do a quick test where one of the questions asked how humans normally breathe. The answers were; a) subconsciously b) rapidly c) under water or d) only when you need to

I answered c, and when the instructor told me I was wrong I replied that i thought my answer sounded a little fishy :)

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/hammy_9
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 11 2016
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What kind of self-defense does a Jewish Trump supporter practice?

Krav MAGA.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 124
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/daddyflextape
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 05 2021
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In my defense, I have none
πŸ‘οΈŽ 19
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/swain18
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 18 2020
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Why won't the bird defense attorney speak to more than one crow at a time?

Because anything more than one is murder.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TeslaFan900
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 11 2020
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I thought the defense would like my joke about the quarterback

I guess it was too offensive

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ScreaminTom
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 04 2020
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My therapist told me to write letters to people I hated and then burn them.

I've done that, but what do I do with the letter.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 335
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Valdagast
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 15 2020
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A burglar broke into my house and I pushed my bookcase on top of him.

It was shelf defense.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/kylejay915
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 24 2021
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Why did the Secretary of Defense and the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff cross the road?

They were just following the chicken!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Colbosky
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 11 2020
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My wife says I’m getting fat, but in my defense....

I’ve had a lot on my plate recently

πŸ‘οΈŽ 45
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/weiderman316
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 09 2020
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People keep telling me to stop putting up walls

So I got real defensive

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Karrathan
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 24 2020
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What's the difference between karate and judo?

Karate is a method of self defense, while judo is what bagels are made from.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/scarletnumberzz
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 01 2020
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The corona virus just learned self defense.

They were taught Kung Flu.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/MattBatz1991
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 31 2020
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What did the man say to the judge after running over chickens at a playground?

β€œIn my defense, Your Honor, there were no signs of fowl play”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/dingdongdan69
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 07 2020
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Why do teams with the strongest defense do better in bed?

They have good D

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Otemile
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 23 2020
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Convict: I plead not guilty Judge: What is your defense

Convict: Well if u r what you eat, I'm an innocent man.

(Credit to my man Bryce)

πŸ‘οΈŽ 24
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Tricky_Nick007
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 11 2019
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Why do snails take self defense classes.

So they don't get assaulted.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 15
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/snuggeybug
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 15 2019
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The instructor in my self defense class told me that the most effective place to kick a man is near his knees.

Personally, I think it’s nuts

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/The_Nightman_82
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 21 2019
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Dad Jokes

It was a brisk Saturday morning when Gerald arrived at β€œThe CafΓ©,” a hip coffee shop right down the street. Wearing his large, burly black coat, he stared hesitantly at his watch. Thick glasses adorned his bright blue eyes, his gaze like starlight in a clear night sky. He was waiting, intently twiddling his thumbs. After a buzz of his phone, the message from Dad popped up: β€œParking now, be there in 5.”

β€œDad,” he whispered under his breath, swiping the message away to once again reveal the image on his lock-screen: a hazy picture of an ultrasound.

Gerald had not spoken to his father for three years. They had had a falling out, over which he did not remember. To him it was a competition of who could wait the longest without calling or sending a text. Who could wait the longest: him without a father, or his father without a son? The idea of friction in the relationship hurt like a thorn; piercing his soul more and more everyday. Until recently, out of the blue, β€œDad” popped up on his phone. The rest is history. The rest leads to that Saturday morning, at The CafΓ©.

Bang! A car door rang out not too far from where Gerald stood. Gerald saw him. His father wore his tweed jacket like a coat of armor. His strut was now weaker than before they stopped talking; a weakness evident in his cane which supported every right step. His shortly trimmed white beard juxtaposed against his uncut, curly grey hair gave him the image of a wise wizard from a fairytale. He used to be that figure to Gerald, yet instead of a nice ancient being acting like a stone to keep him grounded, Gerald had felt as though his father was a rock pulling him deeper and deeper into a sea of monotony. Holding him back from his true potential. Maybe that was why he left? He still did not know.

β€œHello, son,” came the withered voice Gerald had sook for so long, yet now that it had arrived wanted to avoid. β€œI can’t believe it’s been so long!”

β€œYeah,” said Gerald, allowing a smile to grace his face. β€œToo long!”

Then they hugged, signifying a change in their relationship. Gerald had hoped something could happen to bring them closer together. He did not want to go on wondering what could have been. The regret and sadness weighed him down. Before starting a new family, Gerald wanted to be reacquainted with his own.

After finding their table and sitting down, the two began to discuss life. It was like old friends catching up after a long break. Although it took some time, Gerald began to warm u

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/sullyrr
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 08 2020
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Why did they add 2 more layers of defense to Fort 43?

To 45 it

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/paperarrow
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 14 2019
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If someone writes a biography about American Defense Secretary Jim Mattis they should call it...

Life in General

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Yellow_Forklift
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 18 2019
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One time my cat chased down a drone and brought it to me. The drone's owner accused me of theft. In my defense, I said it wasn't stolen...

...it was purr-chased

πŸ‘οΈŽ 36
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/MrLazyTiger
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 29 2018
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I’ve just completed a self defense course…

I wouldn’t recommend anyone attack me in slow motion now…

πŸ‘οΈŽ 256
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 23 2017
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Did you hear what happened to that Department of Defense employee?

He's pentagone

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/graafslaaf
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 30 2019
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What was the photographer's defense in court?

Says he was framed.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/stgm_at
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 03 2018
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What do you call a painter who practices self defense?

A martial artist!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/maddieie
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 31 2019
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You tell a player that he is not good at defense.

Now that's offensive.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/1-STARrating
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 11 2018
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Dad-jokes for self-defense (crossposted from /r/funny)

https://i.redd.it/4nxahotzfku11.jpg

As mentioned on /r/funny, it's a shame we don't know the actual joke used here.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/dmdeemer
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 26 2018
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was a registered 6 offender

πŸ‘οΈŽ 336
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/sictirul
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 31 2019
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What did the lawyer say in the mesothelioma case say in defense of his client?

He was just doing asbestos he could!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jellysquidd
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 26 2018
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I angered the Scottish guy by making fun of his skirt...

He nearly kilt me. I poked him in the aye in defense.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 34
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 15 2020
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In defense of punnishment. m.youtube.com/watch?v=Gtl…
πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Dyspaereunia
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 19 2016
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Found Out Donald Trump's Favorite Form of Self Defense

Krav MAGA

πŸ‘οΈŽ 19
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/keefmastaflex
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 29 2017
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What does a Jewish baker use for self defense?

Jew Dough!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Smajon
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 21 2017
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I was attacked by a vegan vampire!

In self defense, I put a steak through his heart

πŸ‘οΈŽ 16
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/SemiAutoDuck
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 11 2020
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πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DuckWithATie
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 23 2015
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This is a repost.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 38
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/AnthonyDawnwalker
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 06 2018
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What is the new Canadian Defense Minister's Plan of Attack?

Sikh and destroy

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Flanagoon
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 05 2015
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Did you hear about that new self defense bread?
πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Fallwalking
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 19 2013
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What did Daddy Skunk say to his children at the start of their self defense class?

Let us spray.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/slowshot
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 25 2017
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I bet the Department of Defense gives the low-quality rations to submarines.

After all, they're sub-optimal.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/i-kant_even
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 30 2017
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I had an argument with my wife in a lift the other day...

I was wrong on so many levels

πŸ‘οΈŽ 125
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/338geek
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 27 2019
🚨︎ report

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