I’m tired of defending myself for being an anti vaxxer. It’s a personal preference.

I don’t vax my floors. I don’t vax my chest hair, and I certainly don’t vax my legs.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/karatesauce
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My mother defending her height

My mom is not more than 5 foot, so we all tease her about being short. My daughter is now as tall as her, so in church my mom is introducing her granddaughter to some friends and says that she has to wear elevator shoes to stay taller than her. I chime in, "yes, sometimes her elevator doesn't go to the top floor." The couple lost it, my mom was stunned, my daughter laughing her head off.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eeeper
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2014
🚨︎ report
I heard Ian McKellan, Ian McDiarmid, and Ian Holm are teaming up to defend the Milky Way.

They’re calling themselves the Guard-Ians of the Galaxy.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JiminyKirket
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a snake that works for the government?

A Civil Serpent.

πŸ‘︎ 584
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
When I become a lawyer, I want to defend a penguin....

Just so I can say, "Your honour!! My client clearly isn't a flight risk."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Along with gender dysphoria, my doctor wanted to address my poor oral health.

She prescribed me trans-and-dental medication.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/silashoulder
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m forming a coalition that defends dried out grapes everywhere

I’m raisin awareness

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Defend my honour
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/roritios
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call an insect that's in trouble with the law?

A defend-ant

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the man in a wheelchair need someone to defend him?

Because he couldn't stand up for himself

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadyshdy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What time do chickens defend their garrisons?

Fort-hen

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tamiyatt01d
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Video title: Neil deGrasse Tyson defends Elon Musk smoking Weed
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Saiib0t
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the dude who survived a Kodiak bear attack with only a .22 to defend himself?

After taking a bullet to the knee, his friend wasn't as lucky.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
🚨︎ report
He won't be allowed to court anyways
πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Some people do martial arts to defend themselves. . .

Others do them just for kicks.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Avartes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
🚨︎ report
A defendant wants to take the stand.

The judge says, "You might as well take the stand. According to your record of thefts and the current larceny charges against you, it appears that you've already taken about everything else."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call underwear that defends itself?

A boxer.

πŸ‘︎ 248
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Largedump
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2017
🚨︎ report
What is the best way to defend yourself in Israel?

Jew-jitsu

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
🚨︎ report
What magic words did Elon Musk say to defend himself from gas car companies?

Expecto Petroleum!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aparks1437
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
🚨︎ report
The defendant formed a shape of an X in front of the plaintiff.

The plaintiff got X-posed

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Byumbyum
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2018
🚨︎ report
When all hope was lost in the courtroom, the defendant attorney suddenly came out of some luggage and won the trial with efficiency and success.

It was a brief case.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BustZaNuto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a defender of a castle who is too weak? (X-post r/Jokes)

A fortnight

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/akc1999
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2017
🚨︎ report
The defendant used his body to make the shape of the letter X in front of the plaintiff

The plaintiff got exposed

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Byumbyum
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2018
🚨︎ report
A student is arrested and brought to court for carrying a weapon to his morning lecture

Judge: Why did you bring a taser to your lecture?

Defendent: Well you see sir, I have a hard time getting up in the morning. But I’m not a big fan of soft drinks or coffee, so I thought the next best thing was to give me a good shock.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pumped_Pipe
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
🚨︎ report
[In court] Judge: After seeing all the evidence, I am sending you to jail.

Defendant: Say-you-did-what.

Judge: What did you say?

Defendant: Thanks for reversing my sentence.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Billy Joel and his friends were accused of arson, when they was asked why they did it they defended themselves of not doing it by only saying

β€œWe didn’t start the fire”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Datnotguy17
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2018
🚨︎ report
The defendant was accused of bringing dynamite into a steer.

A-bomb-in-a-bull!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gt0t
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a weed dealer in a suit?

A cannabusinessman!

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LarsDiamond
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear a judge caught a man stealing luggage?

It was a brief case

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JezyJezyJezy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Prosecutor: "In the case of who illegally made a blanket out of patches,

we call the defendant quilty"

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeterRoar
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I was being assaulted and I didn't have anything to defend myself.

I wasn't peppered.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/beverlynn419
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2015
🚨︎ report
What is the minimal force required to defend a graveyard?

A skeleton crew.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TaohRihze
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2015
🚨︎ report
What did the Turkey judge say to the defendant?

GAVEL GAVEL GAVEL

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wwesmudge
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2014
🚨︎ report
Buddy Doesn't Know How to Park

So this is a true story.

I work a retail job. My friend neglected to properly put his Mustang in park in his space. It moved backwards across the lot and in to a customer's Jeep Grand Cherokee. Luckily for him, the damage was not serious.

Unlucky for him, all of my coworkers (and a few customers) proceeded to mercilessly roast him on the showroom floor.

Looking to me to defend him, he asked, "why don't you back me up?"

I said: "Back up seems to be the last thing you need, I'd just learn to roll with it, you might say I'm pretty neutral..."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/allnerdsbewareme
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
🚨︎ report
You know why environmentalism is said to be green?

Because the earth is sick of the hypocrisy of the protesters who claim to be defending it.

https://i0.wp.com/climatechangedispatch.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/cartoon-earth-day.jpg

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2018
🚨︎ report
I got in trouble at work for damaging an executive's Microsoft tablet.

I defended myself saying "I've barely scratched the Surface"

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RutabagaJoe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2018
🚨︎ report
Our Hero

Our hero is rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

Our hero lives in Marree, South Australia. He hears about a job opportunity in Darwin, so goes to his car to drive the 3,100 ks to Darwin. One problem, his car won't start.

This is no problem for our hero, because he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

He walks to Darwin.

When he gets there, the bosses love him, and offer him the job on the spot.

"One problem," they say "The job is in Cape Town, and all air traffic has been halted because of the cyclones"

No problem for our hero. He's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

Our hero gets on the boat to travel the 11,000 ks to Cape Town.

Not far into the journey, the boat hits a storm and capsizes. No problems for our hero, he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

He starts swimming.

In the open ocean, a container ship spots him, and offers to help.

"One problem," the captain says over the loud speaker, "There's no rope".

No problem for our hero, he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

He scales the side of the ship bare-handed.

A few days later, they're attacked by pirates. One problem, he's unarmed and outnumbered

No problem for our hero as he is rough, he is tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

Our hero valiantly defends himself, gets some weapons, and is defending the bridge from all attackers.

He fights off the captain of the pirates, and deals him a mortal blow. One problem, the captain in his death throws, pushes our hero off the bridge, and he plummets towards the deck.

No problem for our hero as he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PoglaTheGrate
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Court Chester: Cell of the Century

Chester, the defendant, stood in front of the judge's imposing bench, waiting patiently for the reason why he was there. To further muddle the moment, he stared at items unfamiliar to him, at least in that context.

Perched on and near His Honor's desk were the following: A DuraLast Ultra in one car with a long, black cord stretching to another car, several alkaline D cells plugged into a black box, and lastly, a cell phone with its cord sticking into the wall.

Finally removing Chester's questioned look was his attorney leaning into his ear to whisper, "It's official, now: You're facing battery charges."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bradstros
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
🚨︎ report
My favorite arcade game is Galaga.

You know, the one where you smash watamelons.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TempestInTheCar
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2017
🚨︎ report
My youngest son, James, took me around the neighborhood to catch some Pokemon.

We came upon some other folks who were furiously tapping on their phones near what was, supposedly, an important location that he "owned".

My son, dejectedly, asked "My Pokemon are not very strong. Can you help me?"

I knelt down, looked at him and said "I am here to defend my Jim."

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlexJWhite86
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2016
🚨︎ report
The judge says

Have you anything to say before I pass sentence?

"Nothing your honor" the defendant replies.

Judge asks the clerk of the court "what did the gentleman say?"

The clerk repeats "nothing your honor"

Judge says "I'm sure I seen his lips move"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eltegs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2017
🚨︎ report
Why you don't try to explain video games to fathers.

So I was having dinner with my father attempting to describe to him a bad experience I had while playing a game of League of Legends with my boyfriend. The conversation went as follows. " SO yeah, I was Evelynn a champion who can go invisible and my boyfriend told me to go back door their nexus, which is to go attack it when the team isn't there to defend it's kinda a cheep tactic, but ended up not working. Sigh" I look up at him and he replied completely straight-faced "At least you can't get pregnant that way" Needless to say I blushed profusely.

πŸ‘︎ 137
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Waitingtillmarch
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2013
🚨︎ report

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