I'm struggling to secure a ps5 for my son.

He's inconsolable.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Digitek50
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Without anything to secure it, and unbeknownst to the driver, the trailer careened off the side of the road

It went off without a hitch

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeromocles
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I would like a set of containers for my kitchen. I would like to store my baking soda, borax, milk of magnesia, drain cleaner, and ammonia. Most importantly, they need to have very secure lids.

I like to keep all my bases covered.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Legitimate-Hair
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
"You didn't secure the trailer properly????have you lost your marbles?!" "Why, yes. Yes I have"
πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eric-99
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is Scotland, one of the most secure countries in the world?

They have the biggest Lochs

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kishenoy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Http is missing the s for secure.
πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CriticalGeode
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Years ago at my first IT startup we thought we'd caught a big break when we were asked to set up the campus network at a major college. However, the project eventually fell through when they failed to secure the necessary funding.

I still think about it sometimes - the WAN that got away.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kalibabka
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I used to break into secure servers

But now I just can't hack it.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stickiler
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Son: Dad, can you help me secure this with a string?

Dad: Sure, why knot!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/webguy1975
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Why Did the Raisin Farmer Secure a $100k Loan to His Most Productive Raisin Grape Tree?

Because it was his "raisin debt tree" (use French accent).

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
🚨︎ report
As a father, is it okay for me to refer to the plastic threaded flange which secures the silicone nipple onto the plastic baby formula bottle as the

baby nipple ring?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slowshot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
🚨︎ report
If you happen to find beaver obstructions inside a secure safe, let me know.

That’s my own dam vault.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NauticallyNifty
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife left me because I'm insecure.

Oh, no, wait, she's back. She just went for groceries.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sattoth
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10
🚨︎ report
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12
🚨︎ report
What do you call the security in a Samsung Store?

Guardians of the Galaxy.

πŸ‘︎ 530
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Who'd want to be Trump's security guard ?

you shout "Donald, Duck" & everybody would just laugh

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fitblubber
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10
🚨︎ report
The cows on my dairy farm have all decided to form a new financial vehicle made up of a pool of money collected from many cows to invest in securities...

It's a mootual fund.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Graveyards have loads of security...

People are dying to get in!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PolskiHussar548
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
He has got a point
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/7keletor
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What do dentists and security guards have in common?

Cavity searches.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bogtownboy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was REALLY good at it...

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Seeing Airport Security confiscate all of my smuggled sausages out of my luggage...

...Really was the Wurst Case Scenario

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call security guards who guard Samsung stores.

Guardians of the Galaxies

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/beingjac
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy was stopped by security

Sir this is a private subdivision.

I'm just passing through.

What's that in the bag?

Oh, these are bonsia plants.

What's a bonsai plant?

They're small trees. See?

Sorry, I can't let you through.

Why?

NO TREES PASSING.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lurens_b
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
The Social Security Administration

Is ASS backwards.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/altgenetics
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.

The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/karanrime
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I don't like people who take drugs...

For example, airport security.

πŸ‘︎ 130
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πŸ‘€︎ u/InsanityRose7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a security guard at a swimming pool?

The poolice

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ohhnoitsmeagain
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did I apply to security

To take away my insecurities

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ujdiejH
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Hey Kids, wanta hear a dadjoke about Social Security?

Ah, nevermind, you probably won't get it anyways?

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pizzamike64
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the kindergarten teacher say to the kindergarten security guard?

You can watch the kids, but don't Overwatch them.

That's just creepy...

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UnusualPete
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s a mummy’s favorite type of investment security?

Cryptocurrency.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BluPrince
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
My boss told me as a security guard its my job to watch the office.

I am on season 6 so far, but not sure what it has got to do with security.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
🚨︎ report
An 80 year old goes to a pub with his grandchildren

The security outside checks everyone's temperature and when the old man's turn comes he says , am I cool enough to be in there?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/taneemshareeb
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
They’ve upgraded the security to hall monitors
πŸ‘︎ 177
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Security professionals advise to never use β€˜beef stew’ as a password

It isn’t stroganoff

πŸ‘︎ 422
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr-m-meeseeks
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a security guard for a trampoline?

A bouncer

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chonqme
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call always having a date for New Year's Eve?

Social Security.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building. Security stops him and says,

There are no firearms allowed in this building.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I was recently promoted on the supermarket security team to look out for people taking 11 items through the "10 items or less" checkout...

I am now a counter-terrorism officer.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/E420CDI
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
🚨︎ report
It's a security monitor. imgur.com/tSzAsd5
πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daymanahaha
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I always have heavy security at my far-left political rallies...

No one should ever have unprotected sects.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shercroft
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I had a job selling Front Door Security devices...

but I got fired because I’m not really a PEEPHOLE person.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/youtellmebob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call the security outside of a SAMSUNG store?

Guardian of the galaxy

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zayer96
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call Security at Samsung?

The Guardians of the Galaxy.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DestroyatronMk8
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
🚨︎ report
A Frog Walks into a Bank

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
"KermitΒ Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your manager."
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
"Sure, how about this," said Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell her, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/josephlied
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report

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