I can almost guarantee it was intentional.
πŸ‘︎ 343
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hados1109
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
🚨︎ report
How did the kidnapper guarantee that the tailor would make him a quilt?

He thread-end them

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Aperio43
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I guarantee you there is nobody in the world smarter than me.

Or my name isn't Hugh Briss.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrthatsthat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2018
🚨︎ report
The Tinder 'date' guarantee -- Dated / Outdated / Carbon-dated
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kauntest
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2018
🚨︎ report
To guarantee an interview with a podiatrist

You have to get your foot in the door.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drawsprocket
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2017
🚨︎ report
Why would naming your daughter Sara Emily guarantee to make her popular?

Because, everyone know Miss Sara E loves company.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stubob
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2015
🚨︎ report
A new Egyptian undertakers have opened up in town. Their motto....

"Satisfaction Guaranteed....Or Your Mummy Back."

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03
🚨︎ report
They're guaranteed to help you ketchup on the highway
πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Thecrawsome
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
🚨︎ report
There is one thing guaranteed to make me throw up.

A dartboard on the ceiling.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pho_de_bimos
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
🚨︎ report
As an American, it's disappointing that so few people wear vests

Especially since our founding fathers made it a point to guarantee us the right to bare arms

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/confibulator
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06
🚨︎ report
I know several jokes in sign language

I guarantee you,no one has ever heard them before.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I actually know a lot of jokes in sign language

And I can guarantee you no one has ever heard them.

πŸ‘︎ 279
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Apples new Bluetooth accessory: the iTanic...

....is guaranteed to sync.

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15
🚨︎ report
I know several jokes in sign language...

I guarantee nobody has ever heard them.

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11
🚨︎ report
Everyone seems to think next year will bring back some comforts of normalcy

I’m not so convinced though since 2021 is guaranteed to be an odd year

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/medimanager
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
The gyms must stay open.

The Constitution guarantees the Freedom of the Press!

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I decided to put my savings into a boomerang business. Guaranteed return on investment.
πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tomlederp
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.

So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ajellysandwich
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
An unemployed engineer opens a clinic..

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."

Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.

Doctor: "But this is $500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

πŸ‘︎ 389
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tonheatz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I sell a diet plan that is guaranteed to help you lose ten pounds a month

Simply set up a monthly Direct Debit for Β£10 to the following details...

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnydarko-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2018
🚨︎ report
The greatest baseball player ever was a guy named Hugh McBealy, and he was most famous for every single time he came to the plate knocking the ball high over right field and into the stands.

He scored a home run every single at bat, and always the exact same way. Way over right field, too high for anyone to reach, and it always landed in exactly the 17th row of the stands, give or take a couple feet.

He earned the nickname β€œthe machine” for how consistently he hit the exact same spot every time. Right field, 17th row, every single time. He did this for 20 years before he retired. Tickets to the 2-3 seats that the ball always landed on sold for over $2k a pop by the time he retired because you were guaranteed at least a couple home run balls.

And the day he retired a reporter asked him β€œHow does it feel to be retiring as the greatest hitter of all time?”

Hugh just looked at the reporter puzzled. β€œWhat do you mean?” He said.

The reporter clarified β€œliterally over 5,000 times you went to the plate and hit a home run to right field, 17th row of the stands!”

Hugh looked dejected and disappointed β€œyeah, my greatest failure...”

β€œWhat do you mean?” Said the reporter incredulously.

Hugh let’s out a long sigh, and looked down at the ground quietly for a moment before finally speaking.

β€œI’ve been aiming left this whole time”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Frnklfrwsr
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
100% guaranteed way to loose weight without dieting:

Go to space; all astronauts are weightless.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AlexAndertheAble
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2018
🚨︎ report
I just made a list of my top 10 favourite Dad jokes. The first 9 are great but the last one is an absolute cracker
  1. great

  2. great

  3. great

  4. great

  5. great

  6. great

  7. great

  8. great

  9. great

  10. An absolute cracker

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
🚨︎ report
No rules?
πŸ‘︎ 388
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gortix
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Whenever I joke about online shopping

I always make sure it's guaranteed delivery.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joe4nna
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Asalt rifle
πŸ‘︎ 141
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/melhn
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Our local undertaker is Egyptian.

His motto is satisfaction guaranteed or your mummy back.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Only three things in life are guaranteed:

"Death and taxes."

"What's the third thing?"

"People asking stupid questions."

Thanks dad... love you too.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kemikiao
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2013
🚨︎ report
Using "step" stools to walk.
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Keauxbi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Have you heard the news about corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines!

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRealZebraq
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Queen Elizabeth only plays poker on the toilet.

That's because she's guaranteed a royal flush.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad got me about GTA V

Me: I bought the new GTA 5!

Dad: I heard you can have sex with hookers in that

Me: In 1st person!

Dad: I can guarantee you're not the 1st person they had sex with.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EnMT
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2014
🚨︎ report
My Professor is a professional Dad

So this joke needs a little context: I go to school at USC in South LA.

We were turning in our homework assignments and people kept turning them in with the edges folded instead of stapled. My professor looks at us and says "If you guys need staples, there is a staples center about a mile from here." We just stared back at him and then slowly all started to laugh.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kreegrr
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2016
🚨︎ report
I had this idea for a T-shirt. It would say β€œGuaran” all over it

I’m sure it will sell really well in the market. It’s a guarantee!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bobfish64
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Senator Cruz didn't like it when an editorial cartoon depicted him as a Borg

His Chief of Staff explained to him that in the US, the First Amendment guaranteed all citizens the right to free speech, and that yes this did indeed include unflattering depictions in newspapers' editorial cartoons.

"You will be a simile, Ted"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Possum
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2018
🚨︎ report
===Four in one! Deal of a lifetime!===

My dad has trained me in the art of bad puns, and I have put that training to good use. I have four jokes in one post that are guaranteed to knock your socks off! (And maybe kill off a few brain cells)

Onto the jokes!

Lizards are never unprepared, they’ve been ready from the gecko!

How do aliens call each other? SpaceTime!

Student: Can I have a can of mutton? Teacher: I don’t know, can ewe?

What do musicians do when they get angry? Nothing, they keep their composer!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fro-Ro
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
🚨︎ report
The story of Kenneth Lamar Noid

The following story is true.

Perhaps you have heard of The Noid. He was a character created by Domino's Pizza to act as a villain who would attempt to make your pizza taste crappy due to lack of freshness. Thankfully, according to Domino's, The Noid could easily be foiled by their 30 minute delivery guarantee.

On January 30, 1989, a man by the name of Kenneth Lamar Noid took the creation of the little guy as a personal attack on his character. Not one to take such a slight lying down, Mr. Noid took a Domino's location in Atlanta hostage, forcing them to make a special pizza and salad against their will. His demands included $100,000, getaway transportation, and a copy of the hit science fiction novel, "The Widow's Son".

Eventually, Mr. Noid surrendered to the police. After the incident, when reached for comment about Mr. Noid, Police Chief Reed Miller was quoted as saying, "He's paranoid."

Thank you for your time.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/salty904
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2018
🚨︎ report
How is vodka different from a student taking their final exam?

Vodka has a guaranteed 40%

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ladamaster92
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I just sold my car and this was my add

Hi Folks, If you are a linguist then I am selling your dream car! I’m selling an Accent, a 2004 Hyundai Accent to be precise. Even if you don’t know a bunch of languages, this car is still great for you.

Just like me, it’s been around the birthday block a few times, but there’s still lots of life left in both of us, I guarantee! If you are looking for the perfect body, seek out a surgeon. If you’re looking for a car that will love you just the way you are, this is it. Now I know what you’re thinking, β€œI bet this is a junker”, but you’d be wrong. Next to my wife this is the best body I’ve ever had my hands on.

What’s wrong with it mechanically you ask? Nothing! It drives great, A/C & heat still work like a dream, breaks work, transmission shifts good, and the 1.6L engine runs great. With its age, the engine has had some parts replaced. All the belts have recently been changed, that happens with age as I just went up a few sizes myself. The washer fluid pump has been changed because it’s important to be able to have a good cry once in a while. I did an oil change in the summer and depending on how long it takes for this car to finds it’s new match, I will do another in the next month or so.

Since beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I’ll give you a run down of what the interior is like. It’s what’s on the inside that matters anyway right? I am the 3rd owner of this car and the previous owner was a smoker. I don’t believe there is a cigarette smell anymore but the cloth seats do have little holes in them. I mean hey, when you play with fire you get burnt right? The stereo head unit has been replaced with a modern Pioneer as the original just wasn’t in tune with my musical needs as a Dj. The only real problem this pretty young thing has is the passenger rear seatbelt does not retract. Since I have two mini controllers I taxi around, I’ve had car seats in the back and have had no reason to replace the seatbelt yet. A new one is only a cool $250 from Hyundai but will take some time for delivery. There are still 4 working seatbelts in the car so if you’re traveling with another couple, I’m sure they’ll love to cuddle up in the middle and behind you, the driver.

The trunk is spacious enough for the average trunk but just doesn’t work out so well for hauling Dj gear. The rear seats fold as easy a poker player having their bluff called, so it will give you extra room. Not much more that I can think of to tell you about but take a look at the plethora of p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DjBWren
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2017
🚨︎ report
I know several jokes in sign language

I guarantee no one has ever heard them before

πŸ‘︎ 535
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CarlTHEELlama
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I know a lot of jokes in sign language...

And I can guarantee that no one has ever heard them.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xgizmobratx
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I actually know a lot of jokes in sign language

And I can guarantee you no one has ever heard them.

πŸ‘︎ 55
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wmd1234
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I know several jokes in sign language.

I guarantee nobody has ever heard them.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Apple’s new Bluetooth accessory: the iTanic

It’s guaranteed to sync.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HanlonRazor
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
🚨︎ report

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