He thread-end them
Or my name isn't Hugh Briss.
You have to get your foot in the door.
Because, everyone know Miss Sara E loves company.
I guarantee no one has ever heard them!
They guarantee you'll be delivered on time.
"Satisfaction Guaranteed....Or Your Mummy Back."
A dartboard on the ceiling.
Especially since our founding fathers made it a point to guarantee us the right to bare arms
....is guaranteed to sync.
I’m not so convinced though since 2021 is guaranteed to be an odd year
The Constitution guarantees the Freedom of the Press!
Simply set up a monthly Direct Debit for £10 to the following details...
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."
A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.
Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.
Doctor: "But this is $500..."
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."
Go to space; all astronauts are weightless.
-
great
-
great
-
great
-
great
-
great
-
great
-
great
-
great
-
great
-
An absolute cracker
He scored a home run every single at bat, and always the exact same way. Way over right field, too high for anyone to reach, and it always landed in exactly the 17th row of the stands, give or take a couple feet.
He earned the nickname “the machine” for how consistently he hit the exact same spot every time. Right field, 17th row, every single time. He did this for 20 years before he retired. Tickets to the 2-3 seats that the ball always landed on sold for over $2k a pop by the time he retired because you were guaranteed at least a couple home run balls.
And the day he retired a reporter asked him “How does it feel to be retiring as the greatest hitter of all time?”
Hugh just looked at the reporter puzzled. “What do you mean?” He said.
The reporter clarified “literally over 5,000 times you went to the plate and hit a home run to right field, 17th row of the stands!”
Hugh looked dejected and disappointed “yeah, my greatest failure...”
“What do you mean?” Said the reporter incredulously.
Hugh let’s out a long sigh, and looked down at the ground quietly for a moment before finally speaking.
“I’ve been aiming left this whole time”
I always make sure it's guaranteed delivery.
"Death and taxes."
"What's the third thing?"
"People asking stupid questions."
Thanks dad... love you too.
They're making headlines!
That's because she's guaranteed a royal flush.
Me: I bought the new GTA 5!
Dad: I heard you can have sex with hookers in that
Me: In 1st person!
Dad: I can guarantee you're not the 1st person they had sex with.
So this joke needs a little context: I go to school at USC in South LA.
We were turning in our homework assignments and people kept turning them in with the edges folded instead of stapled. My professor looks at us and says "If you guys need staples, there is a staples center about a mile from here." We just stared back at him and then slowly all started to laugh.
I’m sure it will sell really well in the market. It’s a guarantee!
His Chief of Staff explained to him that in the US, the First Amendment guaranteed all citizens the right to free speech, and that yes this did indeed include unflattering depictions in newspapers' editorial cartoons.
"You will be a simile, Ted"
The following story is true.
Perhaps you have heard of The Noid. He was a character created by Domino's Pizza to act as a villain who would attempt to make your pizza taste crappy due to lack of freshness. Thankfully, according to Domino's, The Noid could easily be foiled by their 30 minute delivery guarantee.
On January 30, 1989, a man by the name of Kenneth Lamar Noid took the creation of the little guy as a personal attack on his character. Not one to take such a slight lying down, Mr. Noid took a Domino's location in Atlanta hostage, forcing them to make a special pizza and salad against their will. His demands included $100,000, getaway transportation, and a copy of the hit science fiction novel, "The Widow's Son".
Eventually, Mr. Noid surrendered to the police. After the incident, when reached for comment about Mr. Noid, Police Chief Reed Miller was quoted as saying, "He's paranoid."
Thank you for your time.
I guarantee you,no one has ever heard them before.
And I can guarantee you no one has ever heard them.
I guarantee nobody has ever heard them.
I guarantee no one has ever heard them before
And I can guarantee that no one has ever heard them.
And I can guarantee you no one has ever heard them.
I guarantee nobody has ever heard them.
His motto is satisfaction guaranteed or your mummy back.
It’s guaranteed to sync.
