Brock O. Lee
I guess she's a certified freak.
Dad: "ok groomer"
I guess that makes her a seasoned cop.
Certified Hotel Manager.
...And get certified as a ballet-er.
- Jamaica?
- No, she went on her own accord.
The guy I'm dating's last name is Feliz.
Over the holidays at his family's New Years party his little brother asked his girlfriend to marry him. Her response? Yes! It would make me happy.
Feliz is Spanish for happy. He is literally making her happy. I was rolling. I think everyone else may have heard variations of the joke too many times cause all they did was groan but I definitely think she's a honorary dad.
But you can climate
... but was fired for taking a couple of days off!
Not unknown, but a fave. I also wanted to say I became a certified dad today! I plan on utilizing this sub to torture my new child.
They weren't big fans of arrrbitration.
My brother pulled out some measuring tape, asked me to hold one end as he held the other end and walked towards the oven.
".... about 12 feet."
🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 bro is basically a certified dad now
He was a certified stocker.
(Technically I haven't heard any joke before, but...)
I was telling my dad about tactile sign, which is what deafblind people use to communicate. It is like signing condensed ASL with someone's hands on yours, and it is what I plan on specializing in when I am a Certified Deaf Interpreter. He brought up Helen Keller and the conversation went as follows.
Dad: "But how many people can really do that? How many people could really communicate with Helen Keller?"
Me: "Well-"
Dad: "PROBABLY JUST A HANDFUL!"
I'm borderline convinced he deafened me as an infant in hopes that someday the set up for this joke would present itself.
Me: What should we do for dinner?
Him: I don't know, how nice were they to us?
Many groans were had.
A Retiree's Last Trip to Sam's Club
Yesterday I was at Sam's Club, buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen , the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two handfuls every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care,because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Sam's Club won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
And i get cut off by an ambulance. When all of a sudden one of the back doors swings open and a cooler pops out and rolls out to the shoulder. I stop and pick it up. I open it and find what looks to be a severed toe. I immediately call 911.
Operator: "911 what's your emergency"
Me:"Yes, i was driving behind an ambulance and a cooler with a severed toe fell out! If you can please inform me what hospital it's going to i can deliver it right now!"
O:"I'm sorry sir but you can't transport that. You need a specially certified vehicle to do so."
M:"What kind of vehicle would that be?"
O:"A toe-truck!!"
Every regular shift has to be certified to use CPR in case of an emergency, and there was an announcement about a class on the announcements, but it was phrased in a weird way.
"If you need CPR, please sign up at the front desk."
Well I can't really sign up as I'm very near death right now.
Her dad- I'm certified to teach roofing, so I can teach anything Us- ...what? Her dad- It covers everything!
My brother pulled out some measuring tape, asked me to hold one end as he held the other end and walked towards the oven.
".... about 12 feet."
🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 bro is basically a certified dad now
