What kind of certification does a polygraph test examiner need?

A lie-cense.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bruh-Nanaz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11
🚨︎ report
Celebrated passing my certification exams...

http://i.imgur.com/3jYfmdE.jpg

πŸ‘︎ 763
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wooperdoop
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2017
🚨︎ report
What kind of a prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in a year?

A trophy.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TerroristOgre
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me: "Why have you been reading our marriage certificate for an hour?"

I'm looking for the expiration date.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/brisquet
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
🚨︎ report
me: β€œuh dad, why don’t i have a father on my birth certificate?”

dad: β€œwe couldn’t remember the mail mans name"

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ObviouslyAwesomee
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I kept telling my dad that his jokes were lame and he told me that he finally found a funny one

He pointed over to my birth certificate

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NegativeCollision
πŸ“…︎ May 20
🚨︎ report
When Mrs. Exclamation told her husband This that she was pregnant with her second set of twins, he was very excited. As had happened with her first twins, the babies looked nothing like their father. He didn't realize it though, and once again she put his name on the birth certificates.

Now This raises more questions.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/throwaway_2837
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
🚨︎ report
They found the birth certificate of Yoda...

they were confused because it belonged to "Da Yo"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2018
🚨︎ report
A vampire was giving a presentation at a career fair.

The vampire, being hundreds of years old, had decided to conduct an experiment to see which career path was the most rewarding. He had every degree and certification you could imagine, but he settled on a surprising choice: cleaning mirrors.

When questioned, he said, "There's something about cleaning a mirror that just speaks to me. Not only can you see your progress as you go, I just know I'm helping someone see their true selves, for better or worse. I'm as surprised as you are, it's not a job I could ever see myself doing."

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07
🚨︎ report
When I couldn't find my birth certificate
πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DownOnRedHill
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2013
🚨︎ report
My grandad on a framed certificate I got recently

As I hand it to my nan,

Nan: oh its mounted!

Grandad: I see no horse?

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AutisticDyslexic
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2014
🚨︎ report
I asked my Dad to fill out a form for a new birth certificate

He goes to fill out my birth date "5th of the 4th ... 1889!"

Me: What? Wouldn't that make me ... 125?

Dad: You look really good for 125!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spambat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2015
🚨︎ report
How can you tell how old a tree is?

You ask it for it’s BIRCH certificate.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/20Chris04
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad was riffling through old paperwork when my mum came in and asked him:
  • What are you looking for?
  • Our marriage certificate.
  • Why?
  • I want to check the expiry date.
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
🚨︎ report
My daughter will be a good dad someday

Stopped at the grocery store last night. My teen daughter always picks out the apples (so we know we get ones she likes). When she grabbed one from the middle of the bin, a few on the top rolled to the bottom. She briefly panicked, then turned to me and says "whew! I almost caused an apple-anche!"

πŸ‘︎ 566
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GaryGeneric
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2014
🚨︎ report
Son, you know you're a true 90's kid...

...when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2016
🚨︎ report
The Goblin Shark Is The Oldest Living Vertebrate...

...Living Up To 400 Years Old!

Marine 1 - How Do They Know That?

Marine 2 - They Checked His Birth Certificate.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Colossal_chris
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2016
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.