Authorization
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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Even crime has time for puns (credit to the author, extrafabulouscomics)
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirChemi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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The skipper of a 40 ton trawler which ran aground in Hull during the early hours of Sunday was reported to be 6 times over the legal limit for sailing. Authorities said they had no idea what to do with a drunken sailor early in the morning.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/S0n0fRuss
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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What’s an author’s favorite place to eat?

The table of contents

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πŸ‘€︎ u/adamsinvisblehand
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28
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What do you call a dead author?

A ghostwriter

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thiccboipingu
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12
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Have you heard of the drummer that became an author?

I heard he uses a lot of cymbalisms in his works

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gssn-nospace
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02
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Authorities are searching for a four-foot tall woman who recently escaped from prison in upstate New York. She was serving a five year sentence for fraud after convincing a number of victims that she was a powerful psychic.

Now she's a small medium at large.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eggsaladapologist
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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Why did the author write about pirates?

They thought it was cannon to the story.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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What's Harry Potter's author's favorite way of getting down a hill? Walking.

JK rolling

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πŸ‘€︎ u/89odev
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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The author of Webster's dictionary committed suicide with the book he wrote.

At least he died on his own terms.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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I don't think the author even realized what they did! Context: the article is about killer whales attacking boats.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Comanch3
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
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When I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, I immediately reported him to the authorities.

Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SayLittleDoMuch
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2020
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My professor asked me why did I put only one of the three authors as a reference.

I said that I didn’t feel tempted to do so et. al

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sarawatachi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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Why do authors always arrive unannounced?

Because everyone knows the first rule of writing is β€œshow, don’t tell”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_Westerfield
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
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My favorite author is S.O. Teric

You’ve probably never heard of him.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IceCoolBrutus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
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What did the authorities do when Barbie's boyfriend was involved in a serious car accident?

They contacted his next of Ken.

That's a damn good joke. I'm proud of that joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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I asked the librarian if she knew of any authors who wrote dinosaur novels

She said, β€œTry Sarah Topps”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlabamaMayan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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I sued the airport authorities because they misplaced my belongings

I lost the case

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πŸ‘€︎ u/off-sp
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled...

But it's hard to say...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rucker7
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
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What kind of a government would Authors form if given a chance?

An authoritative write winged government.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LaMusicista
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
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Why did the author suffer writers block after rectal surgery?

He was left with only a semicolon.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ph00p
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
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Hear about the author in jail?

They put him in the writers block. Couldn’t get past his first sentence.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/adamhoolhorst
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
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What did the russian author order for breakfast?

Toast-oyevsky!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Redqueenhypo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
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There was a man who read a joke so funny that he died of laughter.

After reading it, the authorities all agreed that it was a killer joke.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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Not original... Credit to author
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mekvala
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
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Why does the author of Harry Potter always ROFL when hearing a joke?

Because she's Rowling on the floor with laughter

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oakenshield-
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
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My best friend growing up is a famous author of marine life books now.

He's mostly known for his polyp fiction.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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A hole was discovered in the fence around the nudist camp.

Authorities are looking into it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tacoenthusiast
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26
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A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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What did the author say to his friend Mark who plagiarized him?

"Mark my words"

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars

Police are working tirelessly to catch him

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
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How does the author of Harry Potter go down a hill?

Walking

JK

Rolling

sorry if it’s a repost my cousin told me it like 2 months ago

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xDaf2ya
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
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What genre of book can the author not kill off the main character?

Autobiography

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kool_Kunk
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
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The author of my favourite DIY book?

Bill Jerroan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/haymalb
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
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Why do lesbians shop at Sports Authority?

They don’t like Dick’s

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bophus5
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
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A Nigerian man was found dead last night and authorities found $ 50 000 000 in his apartment...

...apparently he had been trying to give it away for almost 20 years, but nobody would return his emails.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tgglas
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
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I once tried to drive my Toyota Corolla with a stick shift on the Autobahn, but German authorities flagged me down and informed me that was illegal...

So I drove down the manualbahn instead.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CalmingVisionary
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
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The author of Harry Potter didn't make me laugh

Jk Rowling

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zsm1994
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
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Transplant (Author isn’t me, but I don’t know who it is)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nomadic_Inferno
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
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She is such a great author... here's my favorite quote from her.

"That's what."

-She

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
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I don't understand why the Australian authorities haven't called out the lady sheep to deal with the fires. Everyday, when I was a child, Smokey the Bear was on TV telling me,

"Only EWE can prevent forest fires."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/slowshot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
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A Frog Walks into a Bank

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
"KermitΒ Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your manager."
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
"Sure, how about this," said Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell her, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/josephlied
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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Why did the author call himself Mont Blanc

Because he wanted to use a pen name.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2019
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Did you hear about the author who was revealed to be a fraud after he died?

His life had its prose and cons

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CHEEZY_21
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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What kind of dog do authors get?

Plott hound.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
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Did you hear about the collection of related network web resources identified with a common domain name that has nothing but quotes and their authors?

It's a web-cite.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
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