My dad, sister and I were driving in the car when she pointed out a construction site.
Her: "They're putting in a Duck Donuts over there." Me: "Oh. I heard they're not going to take credit cards." H: "What? Why not?" M: "I don't know, but they'll only take bills."
Took her a few seconds to get it. Dad just looked at me and nodded.
Was waiting in line at the consession stands to buy popcorn and a drink.
Me, "What do you want son?"
Son, "Can I get a large popcorn and an raspberry Icee?"
Me in a very contemplative tone, "You want an Icee, hmm, I see"
Got home and walked into the kitchen, something smelt really good. Walked over to the slow cooker and see food in there. Go and find my dad and ask "is it alright if I have some of the food from the slow cooker?" He replies "yes" and on my way out the room he shouts "its chilli by the way!" I walk back into the room with a smug grin and ask "oh, so should I warm it up?" After a second, he clicks and I get the satisfying nod.
Sister: "Do you like Mushrooms, Alex?"
Me: "I can't say that there is Mushroom in my heart for them."
When my Sister retold this to my Dad, he let out a laugh and said he was proud of me!
They weren't up to scratch.
It wasn't a-fish-shell
It's about Thyme.
Which is strange because I'd never seen herbivore
I told him beggars can’t be Hoosiers.
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
When they ask, "So, what do you do for a living?" I just say, "Oh, you know... stuff."
St Peter says to the nuns "Given you are nuns and have devoted your life to good works you only need to answer a single question each to enter Heaven."
He looks to the first nun and asks "where did the first woman live?"
The first nun quickly replied "the garden of Eden".
St Peter nods approval and looks to the second nun "what was the name of the first woman?"
The second nun pauses for a second and then replies "Eve."
"Well done!" Says St Peter before turning to the third nun and saying "As the Mother Superior you should be able to answer this; what did Eve say to Adam when she first saw him?"
The Mother Superior furrows her brow and says "oh, that's a hard one".
"Correct!" Says St Peter. "You may enter."
..Told him that my old one just wasnting cutting it.
I've seen too many of them get elected.
I asked her to run away with me and get married, but without legs she canteloupe
Son: Dad why is the statistics in decimal?
Dad: Cause they've got a point.
I got her to a hair stylist,but im not approving of this relationship.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
It’s still fowl language.
One suggested secretly running away together to get married, but the suggestion was shot down when the other said, "we cantaloupe!"
At least that’s the impression that I get.
It's graze anatomy.
Now British women are finally free to move diagonally.
Me sitting in the final interview of AbInbev.
Interviewer: Sorry, You are not selected.
Told to me by a coworker who is also a dad. Unfortunately, his son isn't named Luke.
But no one seems to get them.
It’s not EU, it’s me.
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while?
Daughter groaned, employee laughed, other dad's nodded approvingly.
The solution: EnvELOPE.
I came home for a weekend and my mother was catching me up on some current events in the family.
Her: Oh yeah, your cousin has enlisted in the Navy and he's going to training pretty soon.
Me: Wow, how does the family feel about that?
Her: What do you mean?
Me: Well, are they... pause... All aboard with the idea?
both can't contain laughter
Everyone in my family is witty and we all love dad jokes so we always have a good time around the dinner table.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Fortunately, she got out of that habit
You boil the hell out of it.
Tonight my wife and I were explaining why my son had to wear pajama bottoms after putting anti-itch cream on his legs, because it kept it from rubbing off on the sheets. “But doesn’t it rub off on the pajamas?” asked my daughter. My wife patiently explained that the cream could then rub back onto his legs.
“Yes,” I said. “It’s a perpetual lotion machine.”
say this one out loud if your stuck.
At dinner with my gf and my parents. She mentions she's never seen Friday the 13th. I said;
"We could always just see the sequel... 'Saturday the 14th'."
...but all brooms are pretty much the same.
Wii U!!! Wii U!! Wii U!!
... But I haven't showered in a while, so, my nose runs and my feet smells
Me: The dog just dug up a bunch of sand into our food.
Son: Well it issss called a sandwich daddy.
Me: smiles and nods with approval
Because of his many past failures with Bart-ending.
Those are some fresh beets!
Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was addressed, 'Dad'.
With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy.
She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we... keep reading on reddit ➡
“Gopher it son”.
They get my seal of approval.
I'm a faux pa.
A Duct-ape. Hahaha any dads laugh in approval?
Is sphere itself.
I told him a snack tastes better cooked.
A Mexican magician says he'll disappear on the count of three.
Uno... Dos... Poof
Without a tres.
"Urgh, If this was any weaker... it'd be a fortnight"
(Looks around for approval from the family)
My boss was complaining she really needed a nap. I told her she should just go take one.
Boss "Oh yeah cause taking a nap right now would be so easy."
Me "Its so easy you can do it with your eyes closed..."
Cue her rolling her eyes and shaking her head. My director peaked his head out and nodded approvingly though. Respect.
Me: what do you call a squirrel with no eyes? Dad: don't know, what? Me: blind
uncontrollable laughter from us while my mom just shakes her head.
I highly approve hitchhiking. In fact, I give it a big thumbs up.