My dad, sister and I were driving in the car when she pointed out a construction site.
Her: "They're putting in a Duck Donuts over there." Me: "Oh. I heard they're not going to take credit cards." H: "What? Why not?" M: "I don't know, but they'll only take bills."
Took her a few seconds to get it. Dad just looked at me and nodded.
Was waiting in line at the consession stands to buy popcorn and a drink.
Me, "What do you want son?"
Son, "Can I get a large popcorn and an raspberry Icee?"
Me in a very contemplative tone, "You want an Icee, hmm, I see"
Got home and walked into the kitchen, something smelt really good. Walked over to the slow cooker and see food in there. Go and find my dad and ask "is it alright if I have some of the food from the slow cooker?" He replies "yes" and on my way out the room he shouts "its chilli by the way!" I walk back into the room with a smug grin and ask "oh, so should I warm it up?" After a second, he clicks and I get the satisfying nod.
Sister: "Do you like Mushrooms, Alex?"
Me: "I can't say that there is Mushroom in my heart for them."
When my Sister retold this to my Dad, he let out a laugh and said he was proud of me!
It's about Thyme.
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
When they ask, "So, what do you do for a living?" I just say, "Oh, you know... stuff."
St Peter says to the nuns "Given you are nuns and have devoted your life to good works you only need to answer a single question each to enter Heaven."
He looks to the first nun and asks "where did the first woman live?"
The first nun quickly replied "the garden of Eden".
St Peter nods approval and looks to the second nun "what was the name of the first woman?"
The second nun pauses for a second and then replies "Eve."
"Well done!" Says St Peter before turning to the third nun and saying "As the Mother Superior you should be able to answer this; what did Eve say to Adam when she first saw him?"
The Mother Superior furrows her brow and says "oh, that's a hard one".
"Correct!" Says St Peter. "You may enter."
I've seen too many of them get elected.
I asked her to run away with me and get married, but without legs she canteloupe
Son: Dad why is the statistics in decimal?
Dad: Cause they've got a point.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
The approval rating of dad jokes in my household has fallen farther and harder than Hans off Nakatomi in my household of late. Not to be a big baby, but it's been really disheartening for me.
We all know our dad jokes can get tiring and annoying; that's part of the point. True masters carefully toe the line between just enough and too much, and to great effect. We do it because we genuinely want to bring joy to those around us with almost child-like mirth.
Not be able to share that with my family lately has been disappointing.
But coming to this sub warms my heart. So thank you to all of you here.
I am very grateful. #obligatoryset-up;)
It’s still fowl language.
Told to me by a coworker who is also a dad. Unfortunately, his son isn't named Luke.
It's graze anatomy.
One suggested secretly running away together to get married, but the suggestion was shot down when the other said, "we cantaloupe!"
Me sitting in the final interview of AbInbev.
Interviewer: Sorry, You are not selected.
At least that’s the impression that I get.
Now British women are finally free to move diagonally.
It’s not EU, it’s me.
But no one seems to get them.
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while?
Daughter groaned, employee laughed, other dad's nodded approvingly.
The solution: EnvELOPE.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I came home for a weekend and my mother was catching me up on some current events in the family.
Her: Oh yeah, your cousin has enlisted in the Navy and he's going to training pretty soon.
Me: Wow, how does the family feel about that?
Her: What do you mean?
Me: Well, are they... pause... All aboard with the idea?
both can't contain laughter
Everyone in my family is witty and we all love dad jokes so we always have a good time around the dinner table.
You boil the hell out of it.
say this one out loud if your stuck.
Fortunately, she got out of that habit
Tonight my wife and I were explaining why my son had to wear pajama bottoms after putting anti-itch cream on his legs, because it kept it from rubbing off on the sheets. “But doesn’t it rub off on the pajamas?” asked my daughter. My wife patiently explained that the cream could then rub back onto his legs.
“Yes,” I said. “It’s a perpetual lotion machine.”
...but all brooms are pretty much the same.
... But I haven't showered in a while, so, my nose runs and my feet smells
Me: The dog just dug up a bunch of sand into our food.
Son: Well it issss called a sandwich daddy.
Me: smiles and nods with approval
At dinner with my gf and my parents. She mentions she's never seen Friday the 13th. I said;
"We could always just see the sequel... 'Saturday the 14th'."
Wii U!!! Wii U!! Wii U!!
Those are some fresh beets!
“Gopher it son”.
They get my seal of approval.
Because of his many past failures with Bart-ending.
A Duct-ape. Hahaha any dads laugh in approval?
Is sphere itself.
Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was addressed, 'Dad'.
With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy.
She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we... keep reading on reddit ➡
I'm a faux pa.
I told him a snack tastes better cooked.
I highly approve hitchhiking. In fact, I give it a big thumbs up.
"Urgh, If this was any weaker... it'd be a fortnight"
(Looks around for approval from the family)
A Mexican magician says he'll disappear on the count of three.
Uno... Dos... Poof
Without a tres.
My boss was complaining she really needed a nap. I told her she should just go take one.
Boss "Oh yeah cause taking a nap right now would be so easy."
Me "Its so easy you can do it with your eyes closed..."
Cue her rolling her eyes and shaking her head. My director peaked his head out and nodded approvingly though. Respect.
Me: what do you call a squirrel with no eyes? Dad: don't know, what? Me: blind
uncontrollable laughter from us while my mom just shakes her head.
My aunt: “oops look like they’re tangled up” My dad: “they’re Frozen not Tangled”
So I'm out to dinner with my girlfriend and my family. We're waiting by the outdoor bar with a pager for when our table is ready. After a while of waiting, the following happens:
Girlfriend: Who has the... thingy?" (referring to the pager).
Me: "I have a thingy!"
Brother: Chuckles "No, the thingy... The one that vibrates."
Me: "Wait, yours vibrates?!"
My dad and I started laughing pretty hard at this point.
but I General Lee don't approve
Mum: Can you make up the bed please?
Dad: With lipstick?