The results were exactly what I expected.
Now I see it everywhere.
I was right all along
Now I see it everywhere.
Now I see it everywhere.
Now I see it everywhere I look.
Why do Lutherans smell?
They enjoy sitting in their own pew.
Ok, so it was valentines day and a guy says "well its lovely to see you again", is it a pun? I am under the impression it's a loose one, but I hate it so much that I think I've been blinded into thinking it's not. Valentine's/ "lovely"....
Getting karma should be easy as cake
Edit: It’s a giant cake day celebration! Happy cake day everyone!!
You can hear a pin drop, after all.
This is because they're filled with anty bodies.
The virus will be quarantined for 14 days
I went online and saw that a nigerian princess wanted to send me millions of dollars. However, I had to send $100 for handling fees on the check. However, I wanted confirmation. So I had her send me a picture. She did. Now, a princess needs a prince right? So I went online and found a picture of an eligible bachelor prince. Some guy from Jordan. I then took the two images, placed them side by side, and had some photoshopped ceremonial garb.
In otherwords, I married the prints. Of course, I took pictures of the happy event and sent them to the "princess" with the caption "I already married the prints." The scammer didn't reply unfortunately.
The Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) found over 200 dead crows on U.S. Highway 281 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.
A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).
The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars.
TxDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorcycle kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah",... keep reading on reddit ➡
Or in other words, a paranormal distribution.
When asked about it in an interview, Mick confirmed that "The Rolling Stones gather no mas"
I replied “That doesn’t sound very cute to ME, doc...”
North Korean leader Kim Jong Un succumbs to a botched surgery, medically confirmed dead, but then returns from the grave and continues to rule. Based on a true story. Probably.
People from all Woks of life, son.
Doctors now confirm that it was only Saturday Night Fever and they assure everyone that he is Staying Alive.
According to them, I have an outstanding balance
unfortunately, they have no Leeds
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while?
Daughter groaned, employee laughed, other dad's nodded approvingly.
My worst fears confirmed. I have Novid-19!
She confirmed my worst fears. Diagnosis: Barkinson's disease.
“Protects against harmful rays”
A woman from Michigan is a Michigoose
I'd hate to toot my own horn.
I should have bought asparagus
They've opened a murder investigation.
Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.
So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.
He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.
As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.
She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.
This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.
When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.
This lasts a good while, having its ups and... keep reading on reddit ➡
Apparently there's a nasty bug going round!
A grill runs out of gas
Because they offer koalaity service.
Credit where credit is do... my wife just said that out of nowhere.
I love her so much
Murphys Law is the idea of anything that can go happen, will happen. Coles Law is just very thin sliced cabbage.
Was not a terrier attack.
Do the other plants photo-sympathize?
. . . To keep them from rolling over and falling off the bed. Kick stand.
"Oh, It was just a hunch."
I can confirm that there were no parts of a tree in the pan
They always say “fire at will”
He climbs a pole to find someone who grinds men's bones for bread
May is over. It's June.
I have twin daughters, and when I know they're hungry I always pick one up and say "Hey! You feel a little light, you must be hungry!" Now I feel a strange compulsion to do it every time.
Because not many of them know how to dance...
I can confirm he has a herring problem
WOOHOO! YEAH NO. 1! GO CEILING!
I went over to my friend's house, as we're planning a weekend of camping in funny clothes, and there’s still some sewing left to do.
Her: Do you know if your mom knows how to sew gussets? Me: I can only GUSSET my mom's skills with sewing.
I laughed, her husband laughed. She and the children groaned.
A new postman on a route sees that in outgoing mail are several letters he delivered a day before. He thinks it's odd and redelivers them to the right mail boxes. Next day he sees the same letters again and he gets curious and sees that they all were addressed to same street. He redelivers them again to the right mailboxes. Same thing happens on the third day, so he thinks hard and formulates a hypothesis. He wants to confirm it, so he decides to stop his route delivery and wait there rest of the day.
Around 7 pm, he sees 4 men come to the mailbox, take their letters and put them back into the outgoing bin. The postman runs over to them and asks "hey, you guys use Reddit?" - they say "yeah, how did you know?", The postman says "all that reposting is pissing me off guys"
They were arguing about the weather, one thought it was hailing, the other was sure it was rain. To settle their dispute they approached the communist officer, Rudolph. Rudolph settled the score by confirming that it was rain. The man then turns to his wife and says “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear”
I made this one up when I was in freshman year of high school 2008, all my friends and family at the time can confirm.
The wife's was complaining about missed periods but I thought she was just ovary acting.
Context: We were discussing the Malaysian airline situation and it's coverage on major news networks. He says > "They're covering this story so much, you could say its becoming a plain story"
Whole class groaned
While they are walking it starts to precipitate. The man insists that it is raining, but his wife, who has only ever lived further up north where it can only snow, thinks that it is some weird form of snow. They spend a few minutes trying to convince each other before the man says “let’s ask Officer Rudolf, he’s a very smart man!” So they stop and say “Officer Rudolf, is it raining or snowing?” Officer Rudolf confirms that it is raining, and the couple continues to stroll. Later the wife asks how he knew Officer Rudolf could answer them. The man simply replies, “because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear.”
Joke, joke, joooooooooke!
No-one ever laughs when I tell this joke but the reactions i get are great.
No son, I had my scalp enlarged.
It looked like foul play. The mason wasn’t a suspect. He had a concrete alibi. The night of the accident he said he was with his girlfriend. She confirmed this. There was a wall of evidence. Consequently his alibi was rock solid and not just a facade. There was damning evidence that it was the plumber. They figured his alibi, that he was at the casino, wouldn’t hold water. But cameras showed fluid betting all night. This, obviously, threw a wrench in the investigation. The investigators followed a lead to the electrician. He had a shocking secret. It seems the electrician had been charged with battery only months earlier. But it was a dead end. They looked at the HVAC installer, but his alibi was airtight. Next, they tried to nail the Roofer, as he had been spouting off about the victim the day of the accident. But the roofer had been hammered all day. There was no way they could paint him as the cunning mastermind.
Then they saw the writing on the wall: the painter had bo... keep reading on reddit ➡
I'm not sure why, I can't see myself wearing it.
"Pun-patrol! You s-pun around on your chair way beyond government regulations!"
"I can't help it! I'm pun-sexual!"
"Sir, o-pun the door or we will have to use force!"
"Stay back! I have a hostage! I don't care if my crimes will ever get ex-pun-ged!"
"Lay down your wea-pun! Face your pun-ishment!"
"Sir, I just arrived and can confirm, he has a Pun-da!"
"Thank god for your pun-ctuality! This changes everything! Now go and pun-ch down the door!"
"Sir! We have fumes! God, what is this pun-gent smell??"
"Ahaha, you ran into my trap! Now die, Pun-k!"
"No time for com-pun-ction. Come, S-pun-ky, we need to leave. Let's head for Pun-ama."
needless to say, shawty got l'eau
The nurse, my wife, and my mom discussing how he "came so early"
I interject with "I guess you could say he has a problem with, premature evacuation"
To my surprise they all actually laughed hard.
It was promoted to kernel!
I confirm she is illumine arty
Step 8, 9, 10, 11...
You can only ran because it's past tents
They said they needed a CAT scan
CAT scan came back negative.
Dog confirmed not a cat.
Did you hear the news that just broke about Donald Trump? Apparently, it's been confirmed. He's bisexual.
No, really. If he doesn't buy-sex, he doesn't get any!
[Yeah, I know. It's a phonetic joke that doesn't work well in written form, but it works well when spoken.]
He takes the bill, holds it up to the light, and asks the cashier if it looks alright because he just printed it this morning.
"I'm an American, so I'm free every day."
We are watching a show that takes place in Newfoundland. They had a wierd accent, so I asked my wife: "Do Newfoundlanders really talk that way?" Without missing a beat: "I don't know, I've only met the dogs and they don't talk much. "
Or are you good for nothing?
And says "I'm going to check and see how far along you are," but was referring to my wife's contractions.
With the swiftness of a galloping cheetah, I say "can confirm she's 9 months pregnant, no need to check."
Son walks up to his dad. Son:Hey dad I need some milk Dad: What kind of milk? Son: You know i'm lactose intolerant, soy milk. Dad: Hola milk, soy tu padre.
Now I see it everywhere.