I collected a lot of data trying to disprove confirmation bias.

The results were exactly what I expected.

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Yesterday, I learned about confirmation bias.

Now I see it everywhere.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Just looked up the definition of confirmation bias

I was right all along

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
🚨︎ report
A few days ago I learnt what confirmation bias meant.

Now I see it everywhere.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Last week I learned about confirmation bias.

Now I see it everywhere.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nstinson
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2018
🚨︎ report
A friend taught me what confirmation bias meant.

Now I see it everywhere I look.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Broke out a classic driving my son to Confirmation class at out church.

Why do Lutherans smell?

They enjoy sitting in their own pew.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cliffkleven
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2016
🚨︎ report
Need pun confirmation

Ok, so it was valentines day and a guy says "well its lovely to see you again", is it a pun? I am under the impression it's a loose one, but I hate it so much that I think I've been blinded into thinking it's not. Valentine's/ "lovely"....

Thanks

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrJohnThompson
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2014
🚨︎ report
It's my 1-year Reddit anniversary

Getting karma should be easy as cake

Edit: It’s a giant cake day celebration! Happy cake day everyone!!

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Volumed_Coyote_60
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28
🚨︎ report
Experts have confirmed that bowling is officially the quietest sport.

You can hear a pin drop, after all.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ“…︎ May 05
🚨︎ report
Scientists definitively confirmed today that anteaters are incapable of contracting coronavirus.

This is because they're filled with anty bodies.

πŸ‘︎ 90
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πŸ‘€︎ u/four12pls8
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27
🚨︎ report
It's cloudy all over just now.
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ May 02
🚨︎ report
Chuck Norris has been confirmed to be exposed to Covid-19

The virus will be quarantined for 14 days

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24
🚨︎ report
β€œIs this the Spanish word for β€˜nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.

β€œSi, estΓ‘.”

πŸ‘︎ 182
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SDM0102
πŸ“…︎ May 02
🚨︎ report
Who led the Jewish people across a semi permeable membrane?

Os-Moses.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Spooktober!?
πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rym2031g
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I married the prince...

I went online and saw that a nigerian princess wanted to send me millions of dollars. However, I had to send $100 for handling fees on the check. However, I wanted confirmation. So I had her send me a picture. She did. Now, a princess needs a prince right? So I went online and found a picture of an eligible bachelor prince. Some guy from Jordan. I then took the two images, placed them side by side, and had some photoshopped ceremonial garb.

In otherwords, I married the prints. Of course, I took pictures of the happy event and sent them to the "princess" with the caption "I already married the prints." The scammer didn't reply unfortunately.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ May 28
🚨︎ report
Atoms
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lynderzfarm
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Dead crows

The Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) found over 200 dead crows on U.S. Highway 281 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.

A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).

The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars.

TxDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorcycle kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah",

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Semujin
πŸ“…︎ May 16
🚨︎ report
I found out that confirmed ghost sightings follow a bell curve.

Or in other words, a paranormal distribution.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boilerup4444
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear that Mick Jagger and Keith Richards had a huge falling out because Mick wouldn't stop speaking in broken Spanish?

When asked about it in an interview, Mick confirmed that "The Rolling Stones gather no mas"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr_robototoro
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03
🚨︎ report
I went to my doctor because I had some abdomen pain. He confirmed β€œit looks you have acute appendicitis”

I replied β€œThat doesn’t sound very cute to ME, doc...”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikelln
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Movie idea: Kim Jong Un-dead

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un succumbs to a botched surgery, medically confirmed dead, but then returns from the grave and continues to rule. Based on a true story. Probably.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aceofspades914
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21
🚨︎ report
Dad, who are pansexuals attracted to?

People from all Woks of life, son.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PityNoodz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26
🚨︎ report
John Travolta was hospitalized earlier today for suspected COVID-19.

Doctors now confirm that it was only Saturday Night Fever and they assure everyone that he is Staying Alive.

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oconnellj4
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08
🚨︎ report
My bank is really proud of me

According to them, I have an outstanding balance

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04
🚨︎ report
British police confirm that an entire northern town has gone missing

unfortunately, they have no Leeds

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/demon969
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2017
🚨︎ report
I don’t often tell dad jokes,

But when I do, he laughs

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hz1234
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2019
🚨︎ report
So I was out at the museum with my daughter today and got the ultimate dad joke in. Employee asks kids "Does anyone know the difference between a Crocodile and an Alligator?"

One will see you later and the other will see you in a while?

Daughter groaned, employee laughed, other dad's nodded approvingly.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Darkbow85
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
🚨︎ report
A suspicious name for pizza (Lou Malnati confirmed)
πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrewN42
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2017
🚨︎ report
Channel 19 isn't working on my Tivo!

My worst fears confirmed. I have Novid-19!

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15
🚨︎ report
I noticed my dog starting to shake every time he barked, so I took him to the vet.

She confirmed my worst fears. Diagnosis: Barkinson's disease.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JimBobBoBubba
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19
🚨︎ report
Where do poor Italians live?

In the spa-ghetto.

πŸ‘︎ 92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/42Waffles
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Scientists have confirmed that Steve Irwin would have survived had he been wearing sunscreen

β€œProtects against harmful rays”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daddymcdadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2018
🚨︎ report
A man from Michigan is a Michigander

A woman from Michigan is a Michigoose

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DavideoandPhoto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
🚨︎ report
If I were a trumpet player I would constantly borrow other people's trumpets.

I'd hate to toot my own horn.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/keithasaurus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Wife and I got a flat tire driving back from the farmer’s market

I should have bought asparagus

πŸ‘︎ 188
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Nightman_82
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Idris Elba, confirmed dad.
πŸ‘︎ 887
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πŸ‘€︎ u/loplop_presents
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2013
🚨︎ report
Police are trying to confirm that a big group of crows killed a man in the park yesterday.

They've opened a murder investigation.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrthatsthat
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2018
🚨︎ report
There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening.

Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.

So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.

He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.

As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.

She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.

This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.

When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.

This lasts a good while, having its ups and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I answered the door this morning. A 6ft beetle punched me in the face and called me a fat old man...

Apparently there's a nasty bug going round!

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
🚨︎ report
What’s the difference between a dad and a grill?

A grill runs out of gas

πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tawkins
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Why does Australia have so many customer service representatives?

Because they offer koalaity service.

Credit where credit is do... my wife just said that out of nowhere.

I love her so much

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JophTheFreetrader
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
🚨︎ report
What is the difference between Murphys Law and Coles Law?

Murphys Law is the idea of anything that can go happen, will happen. Coles Law is just very thin sliced cabbage.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OctoBear87
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
🚨︎ report
as a mathematician, I can confirm that we don't mind traditional houses, but we'd still prefer...

...log cabins

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ragnar_slothbrok
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2016
🚨︎ report
Police confirm the invasion at crufts...

Was not a terrier attack.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SaladDodging
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2018
🚨︎ report
If a plant feels bad...

Do the other plants photo-sympathize?

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Darksoulsborne
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the nurse give Viagra to all the old men in the nursing home?

. . . To keep them from rolling over and falling off the bed. Kick stand.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NYC_Dweller
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
🚨︎ report
After 30 years bent over his broom, a Janitor was sure he had arthritis. After confirming this, his doctor asked how he knew.

"Oh, It was just a hunch."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_joj
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2017
🚨︎ report
Today I bought a non-stick frying pan

I can confirm that there were no parts of a tree in the pan

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spidery7
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Why won’t Will join the army

They always say β€œfire at will”

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rmill13
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Jack and the beanstalk is all about a stripper...

He climbs a pole to find someone who grinds men's bones for bread

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/urlordcov
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
UK Elections have confirmed one thing.

May is over. It's June.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emperorpollux
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2017
🚨︎ report
My first confirmed dadjoke. I wasn't even trying...

I have twin daughters, and when I know they're hungry I always pick one up and say "Hey! You feel a little light, you must be hungry!" Now I feel a strange compulsion to do it every time.

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Queefnoodle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2013
🚨︎ report
Why do mice have such small balls?

Because not many of them know how to dance...

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2017
🚨︎ report
The chef is deaf and out of fish!

I can confirm he has a herring problem

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Spotted this sign at a German zoo a while back i.reddituploads.com/f3986…
πŸ‘︎ 807
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedditGuru777
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2017
🚨︎ report
What did the ceiling fan say?

WOOHOO! YEAH NO. 1! GO CEILING!

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toe_Tapper
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2017
🚨︎ report
Dad status confirmed

I went over to my friend's house, as we're planning a weekend of camping in funny clothes, and there’s still some sewing left to do.

Her: Do you know if your mom knows how to sew gussets? Me: I can only GUSSET my mom's skills with sewing.

I laughed, her husband laughed. She and the children groaned.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/themrreality
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2015
🚨︎ report
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshP99
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2019
🚨︎ report
A new postman

A new postman on a route sees that in outgoing mail are several letters he delivered a day before. He thinks it's odd and redelivers them to the right mail boxes. Next day he sees the same letters again and he gets curious and sees that they all were addressed to same street. He redelivers them again to the right mailboxes. Same thing happens on the third day, so he thinks hard and formulates a hypothesis. He wants to confirm it, so he decides to stop his route delivery and wait there rest of the day.

Around 7 pm, he sees 4 men come to the mailbox, take their letters and put them back into the outgoing bin. The postman runs over to them and asks "hey, you guys use Reddit?" - they say "yeah, how did you know?", The postman says "all that reposting is pissing me off guys"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YogiAtheist
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I overheard a couple fighting in the other day.

They were arguing about the weather, one thought it was hailing, the other was sure it was rain. To settle their dispute they approached the communist officer, Rudolph. Rudolph settled the score by confirming that it was rain. The man then turns to his wife and says β€œRudolph the Red knows rain, dear”

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call pants on fire?

Hot pockets.

I made this one up when I was in freshman year of high school 2008, all my friends and family at the time can confirm.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lolobigsmash
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2019
🚨︎ report
The doctor confirmed were having our first child.

The wife's was complaining about missed periods but I thought she was just ovary acting.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kmawebdev
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2015
🚨︎ report
Confirmed my professor is a dad

Context: We were discussing the Malaysian airline situation and it's coverage on major news networks. He says > "They're covering this story so much, you could say its becoming a plain story"

Whole class groaned

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DJUltra23
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2014
🚨︎ report
An old married couple are taking a stroll in Soviet Russia.

While they are walking it starts to precipitate. The man insists that it is raining, but his wife, who has only ever lived further up north where it can only snow, thinks that it is some weird form of snow. They spend a few minutes trying to convince each other before the man says β€œlet’s ask Officer Rudolf, he’s a very smart man!” So they stop and say β€œOfficer Rudolf, is it raining or snowing?” Officer Rudolf confirms that it is raining, and the couple continues to stroll. Later the wife asks how he knew Officer Rudolf could answer them. The man simply replies, β€œbecause Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear.”

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Willdoeswarfair
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2018
🚨︎ report
I showed my Dad /r/dadjokes and he said, "I don't get it. These are just normal jokes."
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PFive
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2014
🚨︎ report
2 short jokes and a long joke

Joke, joke, joooooooooke!

No-one ever laughs when I tell this joke but the reactions i get are great.

πŸ‘︎ 157
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KngRandom
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2017
🚨︎ report
To whom do mice pray to?

Cheesus

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zorro_96
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad, did you have a haircut?

No son, I had my scalp enlarged.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2018
🚨︎ report
There was a suspicious β€˜accident’ at a construction site. The police investigated all the workers at the job site . . .

It looked like foul play. The mason wasn’t a suspect. He had a concrete alibi. The night of the accident he said he was with his girlfriend. She confirmed this. There was a wall of evidence. Consequently his alibi was rock solid and not just a facade. There was damning evidence that it was the plumber. They figured his alibi, that he was at the casino, wouldn’t hold water. But cameras showed fluid betting all night. This, obviously, threw a wrench in the investigation. The investigators followed a lead to the electrician. He had a shocking secret. It seems the electrician had been charged with battery only months earlier. But it was a dead end. They looked at the HVAC installer, but his alibi was airtight. Next, they tried to nail the Roofer, as he had been spouting off about the victim the day of the accident. But the roofer had been hammered all day. There was no way they could paint him as the cunning mastermind.

Then they saw the writing on the wall: the painter had bo

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 147
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dirty_Entendre
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2018
🚨︎ report
I bought a blindfold yesterday..

I'm not sure why, I can't see myself wearing it.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/soonarmy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2018
🚨︎ report
*knock knock* "Who's there?"

"Pun-patrol! You s-pun around on your chair way beyond government regulations!"

"I can't help it! I'm pun-sexual!"

"Sir, o-pun the door or we will have to use force!"

"Stay back! I have a hostage! I don't care if my crimes will ever get ex-pun-ged!"

"Lay down your wea-pun! Face your pun-ishment!"

"Sir, I just arrived and can confirm, he has a Pun-da!"

"Thank god for your pun-ctuality! This changes everything! Now go and pun-ch down the door!"

crashing noises

"Sir! We have fumes! God, what is this pun-gent smell??"

"Ahaha, you ran into my trap! Now die, Pun-k!"

"AAAAAAAAAAH!"

silence

"No time for com-pun-ction. Come, S-pun-ky, we need to leave. Let's head for Pun-ama."

EDIT: formatting.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/D0tBlue
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Don’t be such a Dik-Dik
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ladygabeuk
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2018
🚨︎ report
The most agreeable man in history came, saw, and concurred.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChaoticFather
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2018
🚨︎ report
i asked a girl wearing fur boots and Apple Bottom jeans for water

needless to say, shawty got l'eau

πŸ‘︎ 106
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gowthamcity
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2016
🚨︎ report
My third son was born yesterday morning, 3 weeks early.

The nurse, my wife, and my mom discussing how he "came so early"

I interject with "I guess you could say he has a problem with, premature evacuation"

To my surprise they all actually laughed hard.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/a_little_too_late
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2014
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Did you hear about the corn cob that joined the army?

It was promoted to kernel!

πŸ‘︎ 122
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2017
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Speaking of Nickle Hydroxide

Nioh 2 got confirmed

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πŸ‘€︎ u/K_End
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2018
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my daughter studies painting and photography.

I confirm she is illumine arty

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rethinkr
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
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A quick guide on "How to fall downstairs"...

Step 1

Step 6

Step 8, 9, 10, 11...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2017
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You can't run on a campsite

You can only ran because it's past tents

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Archada
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2015
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Got my dog a check up at the vet today.

They said they needed a CAT scan

CAT scan came back negative.

Dog confirmed not a cat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nikoloy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2018
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87% of statistics are made up on the spot.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NegativePrimitive
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2017
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Trump News

Did you hear the news that just broke about Donald Trump? Apparently, it's been confirmed. He's bisexual.

No, really. If he doesn't buy-sex, he doesn't get any!

[Yeah, I know. It's a phonetic joke that doesn't work well in written form, but it works well when spoken.]

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aluminoids
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2018
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Every time my dad pays for something in cash...

He takes the bill, holds it up to the light, and asks the cashier if it looks alright because he just printed it this morning.

πŸ‘︎ 250
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mhende
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2013
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How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blackstab1337
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2016
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When someone asks, "Are you free today?" My response is:

"I'm an American, so I'm free every day."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScottyUrb
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2017
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My wife is the dad of the house now.

We are watching a show that takes place in Newfoundland. They had a wierd accent, so I asked my wife: "Do Newfoundlanders really talk that way?" Without missing a beat: "I don't know, I've only met the dogs and they don't talk much. "

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πŸ‘€︎ u/araw
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2017
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Did your parents pay you to be good...?

Or are you good for nothing?

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aussietin
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2017
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Nurse comes in

And says "I'm going to check and see how far along you are," but was referring to my wife's contractions.

With the swiftness of a galloping cheetah, I say "can confirm she's 9 months pregnant, no need to check."

Wife: "Jesus..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hiimfatgirl
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2017
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Milk

Son walks up to his dad. Son:Hey dad I need some milk Dad: What kind of milk? Son: You know i'm lactose intolerant, soy milk. Dad: Hola milk, soy tu padre.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TableHockey31313
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2017
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Last week I learned about confirmation bias.

Now I see it everywhere.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
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John Travolta was hospitalized for suspected Covid-19 ...

... but doctors have now confirmed that it was only Saturday Night Fever, and they can now assure everyone that he is Staying Alive.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrWulf360
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08
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