A dartboard on the ceiling.
Simply set up a monthly Direct Debit for £10 to the following details...
Go to space; all astronauts are weightless.
"Death and taxes."
"What's the third thing?"
"People asking stupid questions."
Thanks dad... love you too.
I guarantee no one has ever heard them!
"Satisfaction Guaranteed....Or Your Mummy Back."
They guarantee you'll be delivered on time.
He thread-end them
....is guaranteed to sync.
Especially since our founding fathers made it a point to guarantee us the right to bare arms
I’m not so convinced though since 2021 is guaranteed to be an odd year
Or my name isn't Hugh Briss.
The Constitution guarantees the Freedom of the Press!
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."
A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.
Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.
Doctor: "But this is $500..."
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."
He scored a home run every single at bat, and always the exact same way. Way over right field, too high for anyone to reach, and it always landed in exactly the 17th row of the stands, give or take a couple feet.
He earned the nickname “the machine” for how consistently he hit the exact same spot every time. Right field, 17th row, every single time. He did this for 20 years before he retired. Tickets to the 2-3 seats that the ball always landed on sold for over $2k a pop by the time he retired because you were guaranteed at least a couple home run balls.
And the day he retired a reporter asked him “How does it feel to be retiring as the greatest hitter of all time?”
Hugh just looked at the reporter puzzled. “What do you mean?” He said.
The reporter clarified “literally over 5,000 times you went to the plate and hit a home run to right field, 17th row of the stands!”
Hugh looked dejected and disappointed “yeah, my greatest failure...”
“What do you mean?” Said the reporter incredulously.
Hugh let’s out a long sigh, and looked down at the ground quietly for a moment before finally speaking.
“I’ve been aiming left this whole time”
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great
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great
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great
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great
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great
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great
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great
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great
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great
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An absolute cracker
You have to get your foot in the door.
I always make sure it's guaranteed delivery.
Because, everyone know Miss Sara E loves company.
They're making headlines!
That's because she's guaranteed a royal flush.
His Chief of Staff explained to him that in the US, the First Amendment guaranteed all citizens the right to free speech, and that yes this did indeed include unflattering depictions in newspapers' editorial cartoons.
"You will be a simile, Ted"
My dad has trained me in the art of bad puns, and I have put that training to good use. I have four jokes in one post that are guaranteed to knock your socks off! (And maybe kill off a few brain cells)
Onto the jokes!
Lizards are never unprepared, they’ve been ready from the gecko!
How do aliens call each other? SpaceTime!
Student: Can I have a can of mutton? Teacher: I don’t know, can ewe?
What do musicians do when they get angry? Nothing, they keep their composer!
Me: I bought the new GTA 5!
Dad: I heard you can have sex with hookers in that
Me: In 1st person!
Dad: I can guarantee you're not the 1st person they had sex with.
Vodka has a guaranteed 40%
He will do three things. Guaranteed.
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Pick up a bottle of milk and shake it, asking if we want milkshake.
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Go up to a young teenager stacking shelves and ask for whatever they're currently restocking on the shelves and watch as they scratch their heads and look around only to hold out the item with a dumb look on their face (which surprisingly happens almost every time)
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Will get a bottle of water from the shelf and hold it high with one hand and drop it, catch it with his other hand then say "did you see that?! It was a beautiful waterfall!!!"
Obviously a hearty dad-chuckle follows each of these actions.
I guarantee you,no one has ever heard them before.
And I can guarantee you no one has ever heard them.
I guarantee nobody has ever heard them.
I guarantee no one has ever heard them before
And I can guarantee that no one has ever heard them.
And I can guarantee you no one has ever heard them.
I guarantee nobody has ever heard them.
His motto is satisfaction guaranteed or your mummy back.
It’s guaranteed to sync.
