Boss told me as a security guard it's my job to watch the office

I'm on season six, don't know what it has to do with security though.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/he_need_some_malk
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26
🚨︎ report
A photon is going through airport security, when the security guard asks if he has any luggage.

The photon replies "No, I'm travelling light."

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/strabadhure
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15
🚨︎ report
What do you call a security guard for a trampoline?

A bouncer

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chonqme
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15
🚨︎ report
I always have heavy security at my far-left political rallies...

No one should ever have unprotected sects.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shercroft
πŸ“…︎ May 07
🚨︎ report
Security professionals advise to never use β€˜beef stew’ as a password

It isn’t stroganoff

πŸ‘︎ 417
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mr-m-meeseeks
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03
🚨︎ report
I married my home for security reasons

Put a ring on it

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26
🚨︎ report
What do you call Samsung’s security team?

Guardians of the Galaxy

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sportznut1000
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23
🚨︎ report
My neighbor sells home security systems, he's pretty good at it too.

If nobody's home, he just leaves a brochure on the kitchen table

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22
🚨︎ report
They’ve upgraded the security to hall monitors
πŸ‘︎ 181
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I was recently promoted on the supermarket security team to look out for people taking 11 items through the "10 items or less" checkout...

I am now a counter-terrorism officer.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/E420CDI
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04
🚨︎ report
I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security

They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/knittingmonster
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05
🚨︎ report
My boss told me as a security guard its my job to watch the office.

I am on season 6 so far, but not sure what it has got to do with security.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I had a job selling Front Door Security devices...

but I got fired because I’m not really a PEEPHOLE person.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/youtellmebob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13
🚨︎ report
I have two dogs, Security & Shin...

... they’re my guard dogs πŸ•

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08
🚨︎ report
It's a security monitor. imgur.com/tSzAsd5
πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daymanahaha
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
🚨︎ report
A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building. Security stops him and says,

There are no firearms allowed in this building.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a Samsung store’s security guard

A guardian of the Galaxy Credit:u/eatsleeprepeat101_

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hidininthetrees
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25
🚨︎ report
I met the world’s greatest security guard the other day. When I asked him the secret, he said it was all in his name.

Barry R.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DenialTwister
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
🚨︎ report
What do you call the security guards at the Samsung store?

Guardians of the Galaxy

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Samuelcbadams
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk

It shall be a security gourd

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brad_Barracuda
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the Goth computer security specialist?

He was hackin' in a coffin.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/superceder
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call the security at a Samsung factory.

Guardians of the galaxy.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/J4KE95
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I called my boss to tell her I couldn’t get the security system to arm as I locked up the office tonight

She seemed unalarmed...

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sockyg
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Increasing security
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/luckiest0522
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a security guard at a samsung store

Guardian of the Galaxy

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-_Anirban_-
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Okay so recently I sued a airport about luggage security

Yeah, I lost my case.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thor_kingofasgard
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call the security guards outside a Samsung factory?

Guardians of the Galaxy

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Do you know what they call the security guards at Samsung?

Guardians of the Galaxy

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/detrickster
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?

>!Guardians of the Galaxy.!<

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MacItaly
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2019
🚨︎ report
My neighbor installed a security system in his porch that launches intruders into the air, and I could tell he was very happy about it.

There was a spring in his step.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
🚨︎ report
What does Trump's security tell him when he is attacked?

Donald, Duck

πŸ‘︎ 120
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaptainOverKill16
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Airport Security yelled at me today

They said I was in plane sight

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Erratic_Penguin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?

Guardians of the Galaxy.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lbrooks13
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call the security guards outside a Samsung store!

Guardians of the Galaxy!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/B-man44
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Somebody kidnapped a Sister from our local convent because there was no security.

No fence. Nun taken.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Boss told me that as a security guard, it’s my job to watch the office

I’m on season 6 and I’m not really sure what this show has to do with security

πŸ‘︎ 138
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πŸ‘€︎ u/northamerican2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Security Guard: You can’t bring outside food in here.

Me: it’s a service burrito.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dohpaz42
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
🚨︎ report
It’s a security blanket.
πŸ‘︎ 131
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Secret security

The secret service isn't allowed to yell "get down" at the president anymore..

They should yell "Donald, duck!"

πŸ‘︎ 105
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Swaggersouls_2001
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2018
🚨︎ report
If you work security at Samsung

Does that make you a guardian of the Galaxy. My kid was in stitches when he told us this one.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OZBigfoott
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the poet hire a security guard?

He didn't want his metaphors to be taken literally.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kungfujohnjon1
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Are the security guards at rubber ball factories

Known as "bouncers" ?

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Shaftdriven73
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2019
🚨︎ report
If there are security guards outside of a Samsung store does that mean they are

Guardians of the Galaxy?

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2016
🚨︎ report
What's a security guard called at the Samsung store?

Guardian of the Galaxy

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rubeva_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a coffee bean security guard?

A grounds-keeper

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Degtyrev
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Someone should start a line of houses with state-of-the-art security systems

Call it "Sure-Lock Homes".

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/the_jiujitsu_kid
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2018
🚨︎ report
I'm going to start a company that builds houses with the best security systems on the doors and windows.

I will call it, "Sure-lock Homes".

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/schlagzeug
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I was trying to take my emotional support penguin on an aeroplane, but I was stopped by security.

They said, β€œSorry. Penguins can’t fly.”

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2018
🚨︎ report
The National Security Agency has intercepted a series of credible threats against Santa.

They have asked for help from the Department of Ho Ho Homeland security.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drwheatie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2018
🚨︎ report
I lost my wallet couple days ago and had to go through security at work

The secuity woman asked "how do you spell your last name?"

So I replied Y-O-U-R-L-A-S-T-N-A-M-E.

She typed it into the system and was about to submit it when she noticed. She was so mad.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2018
🚨︎ report
I hear that Samsung are employing security guards at all their stores now...

...does this make them...Guardians of the Galaxy?

:D

Hotter half shared that with me the other day. We're trying to build up our dad joke repertoire with a recently arrived bub.

EDIT: for removal of apostrophe

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scalesthefish
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2015
🚨︎ report
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?

Coalgate.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
🚨︎ report
If I’m a security guard at Samsung

Does that make me one of the Guardians of the Galaxy?

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2018
🚨︎ report
NEWS reporter β€œAustralian border security caught teens trying to import 400 million dollars worth of ice”

Dad β€œif I knew ice was worth that much I’d put more in the fridge”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Imakehamforalivin
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2018
🚨︎ report
Explaining castle security to my son.

I tell him how some castle guards would take night shifts.

He said β€œso some knights will sleep all day and wake up and night time?”

Me: β€œyes... they are called... nights...”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JordanMichael08
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
🚨︎ report
My Dad drops this gem going through airport security.

Airport Security: Do you have anything sharp on you?

Dad: Yes, my brain.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mvpking
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2015
🚨︎ report
The only time someone was checking me out, they were a security guard at the airport.
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshP99
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Security at Los Angeles International Airport was very chill

I guess it was LAX.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2016
🚨︎ report
The guy at the airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual.

I said, β€œYes. I just paid $20 for a cheese sandwich.”

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the security guard dog say to the drunk fan at the football stadium?

β€œSir, if you want to get ruff, we can take this to the barking lot.”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kailebeverettart
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Why does airport security make you take your shoes off sometimes and not others?

To keep you on your toes.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/brophyg4
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2018
🚨︎ report
Knew someone who tried to make it through airport security with a cat in their carry-on.

TSA agent asked him, "Sir, are you aware you have a cat in here?"

And he said "Well don't let the cat out of the bag!".

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joelmeyer1221
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2017
🚨︎ report
I heard that General Kellogg was going to be the new national security adviser.

I have to say, though: I'm disappointed they didn't go with General Mills.

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/koenn
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2017
🚨︎ report
Why don't Swedish people need to worry about security in marine events?

Because they scan the navy in

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeardedDeath
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2017
🚨︎ report
Security officer: If you find a USB outside, don't bring it into the office reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xTheAddy
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2018
🚨︎ report
If you are a security gaurd at Samsung

Does that make you "gaurdian of the galaxies"?

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kildrakwolfsbane
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2018
🚨︎ report
On the advice from my investment banker, I paid $1000 for a security blanket

It was pretty expensive but it keeps me warm and helps me sleep at night.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kshiau
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the security director for SDCC impose harsh penalties on heckler in the convention halls?

She had con-troll issues.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call security guards working at the Samsung Store?

Guardians of the Galaxy

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/purpmonk16
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2017
🚨︎ report
What did the very unorthodox dairy factory manager say to his security manager named Shaun who was very good at his job?

"Nothing here gets past-your-eyes-eh-Shaun?"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/limeadeboi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2017
🚨︎ report
Got the security guard while leaving work today

I was walking by the front desk with a leaf blower and the security guard puts his hands up and says "leaf me alone!"

i smirk at him and quickly come back with "Ahhh, I tree what you did there"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mickeymouse4348
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2016
🚨︎ report
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?

If you pee something, pay something.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fubo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call a security breach involving a USB stick? twitter.com/SwiftOnSecuri…
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Theoriginalwookie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2015
🚨︎ report
If a guy works security in a sweet shop...

does that make him a guardian of the galaxy?

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MavGore
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2016
🚨︎ report
For having such strong opinions on border security, Donald Trump sure can cross the line.
πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/arthurktripp
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2015
🚨︎ report
What did the disabled banana do after he got ripped off by social security?

He filed an ap-peel.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KryFuZe
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2017
🚨︎ report
Where do Canadians go to go through airport security

The TS-eh

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NVMOOK
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2016
🚨︎ report
The dad joke I got from security going through the airport in Milwaukee.

I had a bag of cheese in my backpack:

Security (training a new guy): Do you have anything sharp in your bag before he reaches in?

Me: nope, it's just some cheese in there.

Security: Don't believe her, she's a liar. This cheese is clearly labeled a SHARP cheddar.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MadtownMaven
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2016
🚨︎ report
The security checks at Prague airport are done by security Czechs.

BTW I originally posted this on shower thoughts but thought you guys might like it too

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HailingThief
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2016
🚨︎ report
Security Guard's Repeating Joke

I’m not sure, but I think this belongs here:

I work night shift as a unit clerk at a hospital, and there is this one old security guard who goes on rounds to every unit. He always stops at my desk and cracks really cheesy, cringe-worthy jokes. He has this one awful (awesome?) knee-slapper that seems to be a permanent fixture in his "dad joke" repertoire. He’s said it 3 or 4 times already since I’ve started working here in March, so I'm pretty sure this joke is constantly on standby for him.

This is the exact conversation every time:

Security dude: How are you doing this fine evening?

Me (purposefully setting myself up for it): Pretty good. How about you?

Security dude: Really? WELL, I’ve never been pretty or good, so I don't know what that's like! Hahahahahaha (continues to laugh like this is the funniest joke that’s ever been told).

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bad-fish89
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2013
🚨︎ report
My favourite part of working in an anchor factory is the job security.

You know that even if the investments have sunk and the business is going under, that job's not going anywhere.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RenaKunisaki
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2016
🚨︎ report
What do you call the security at Samsung?

The Guardians of the Galaxy

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dr-cereal
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
🚨︎ report
My boss told me as a security guard its my job to watch the office

I'm on season 6 so far, but not sure what its got to do with security.

πŸ‘︎ 542
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Automated-Waffles
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?

Guardians of the Galaxy.

πŸ‘︎ 229
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a security guard at Samsung?

Guardian of the Galaxy.

πŸ‘︎ 119
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Big3151
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call the security guards outside samsung store?

Guardians of Galaxy

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/i_d_g_af
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call the security guards at the Samsung store

Guardians of the galaxy

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Noah84843
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call security guards at a Samsung store?

Guardians Of The Galaxy.

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/InsecureTurdPilot
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call the security guards outside of Samsung?

The Guardians Of The Galaxy

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Homer_Simpson2
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2018
🚨︎ report

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