Don't forget your protective eyewear
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lord_and_Savion
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
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For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.

It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/graceful_ox
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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I'm thinking of buying protective coverings for all my windows

I shutter to think of the cost

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
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Wife broke her toe and has to wear a protective boot.

I picked it up and started caressing it with my hand making crooning noises.

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: Just feeling the wonderful curves of your booty.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mapguy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2015
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My friend was told to use a margarine tub as a protective cup...

...but he was afraid he'd get a knob of butter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RafflesEsq
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2014
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A Bishop's Twitter Post
πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRealAjmera
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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WARNING! Your PC isn't protected and you are susceptible to Trojans!

Download GREEK Protector today!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpongeWTF
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
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I can't believe that somebody stole my protections spells.

I'm at a loss for wards.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
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Why should you always use hearing protection?

Because otherwise you need hearing aids

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πŸ‘€︎ u/femkuhhhh
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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If you don't use protection...

.....cheesy pick up lines will become dad jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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What can a hip hop battle rapper use for protection against the harshest rhymes?

Bubble rap

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uneeq33
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What do window wear to protect themselves from viruses

A wind-shield

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kingfire4545
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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Today, my friend asked me β€œwho is going to protect us from COVID?”

I said β€œyes they are.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/warmLuke0
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife insisted she has nudist genes

I responded that nudists are defined by their lack of jeans

Edit: there->their

Edit 2: Awards? Wow! I'd like to thank the Academy, the community, my wife, and the man who made this post possible, my father in law!

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/S93C141
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
"Have you ever done anything good?" St. Peter asked a guy when he showed up at the Pearly Gates. "To protect a young girl I punched the leader of a motorcycle gang, kicked his bike over, and told them all to back off!" said the man. St. Peter was impressed, "When did you do this?"

"Oh, just a couple of minutes ago."

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Which Norse realm do the protecters of the anus go?

Assguard.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vs424reddit
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
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How did the Italian Dessert Chef protect her small horse from COVID?

She'd Mascarpone.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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Son:What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?

Dad:Their effort goes in vein.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yaboi_akshat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know Apple used to sell phone protection with the phone?

Well, not anymore but that used to be the case

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maxbicmac2004
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Fun day out at the beach

So when I was younger, me and a couple of friends went on a little trip to the beach. We had a lot of fun there swimming around, making a campfire, all that jazz. Some of us wanted to build sandcastles and get em as high as we could so we could pretend we were knights protecting them.

So some kids started running around being annoying and destroying the sand castles and it got to the point where one of my friends got so protective of his castle, he started punching anyone who even got close. You know how kids are, the other ones got closer and were like β€œwe arent even touching it, calm down!” but he wasnt having any of that so he drew a line in the sand and said β€œif you step over this line, i WILL punch you..”

that was the punch line >insert finger guns<

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Truplup
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Protect against computer viruses imgur.com/PRCa2oS
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshTay
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
🚨︎ report
We have a strict hierarchy policy for PPE usage at my office...

Regular workers must wear small face shields, while Managers get to use the super-visors.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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I've been hiding from doing any exercising.

I'm in the 'Fitness Protection Programme '

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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Why did my daughter think my two sisters would protect her from coronavirus?

Because now she had aunty bodies around her.

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πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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What's the best way to protect yourself from a group of angry clowns?

Go for the juggler.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Why should you always use protection when having sex at sea?

So you don't get mermaids.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrcharlesboyle
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
🚨︎ report
You should always use protection when watching movies

You don't want to catch D-VD

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dadlifememes
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you cross an Austrian city with cyber protection software?

VPNna

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SeekerSpock32
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Going Viral
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maisy1st
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I received a verifiable threat against my Boston cream pie

So I had it placed in protective custardy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeisureSuitLaurie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Protect your family and loved ones from the Coronavirus.

Switch to Heineken.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NissanSkylineGT-R
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I knew a guy who wore a hat with an extra long bill. He said it was to protect his nose from the sun. I asked him why is that?

He said....

No one likes a brown nose.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oxfordthethird
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
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Why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?

Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oxfordthethird
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2020
🚨︎ report
If, above all, I protect my own ass first, does that make me.. Asgardian?
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weird_is_good
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
🚨︎ report
A king was looking to protect his secret maze...

...so he called in his court wizard to devise a means of defense. The wizard set to work at once. First, he wove a net, tightly so that nothing could escape. Then he traveled to the nearby lake.

For three days, he went to the edge of a dock, and cast his net into the water. Each time, he collected many small fish, until he had gathered thousands.

He then took the fish to his study, and carefully processed them, crushing them into a sticky paste. Warming the paste, he began to lather it across the walls of the maze.

When the king learned of this, he was very angry.

"How dare you cover my walls with fish paste!" he said.

The wizard replied, "But sire, everyone knows to protect a labyrinth, one must use a minnow tar."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cmecau
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I sat next to an insurance salesmen at the Robbie Williams gig last night.

And through it all, he offered me protection...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Have you heard of the new Apple Product to protect your eyes?

Its called the iLid

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Crockett62
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine was telling me about her first day working at a zoo...

When she arrived at the zoo she went to see her manager and asked what she should do, the manager told her to first go feed the sharks, so she went off to feed them. Whilst she was shovelling the food into the pool a shark jumped out of the water and tried to bite her, as a reflex she hit the shark with the spade and the shark died. Worried about losing her job this soon the woman started brainstorming what to do, eventually she decided to feed the dead shark to the lions thereby removing all evidence and so that is what she did. Shaken but glad she had avoided detection the women went back to see her manager and asked if there was anything else that needed doing, she was told to go and clean out the monkey cage.. So off the woman went with a wheelbarrow and shovel to clean out the cage, as she was shovelling the poop into the barrow a monkey jumped down from the tree towards her! As a reflex reaction the women smashed the monkey with the spade and it lay dead. Thankfully she knew just what to do and so she threw the monkey into the lion cage. Shaken and ready to go home by now, the women went to see if there were any final jobs that needed doing: she was tasked with collecting the honey from the bees. So she got changed into her protective gear however she forgot to tuck in the back of her shirt so when it came to doing the bees, one particularly large bee came and stung her right on the behind! The woman screamed and started whacking the bees until many lay dead. By now she didn’t even have to think.. she collected the dead bees and threw them in the lion cage before going home for a quiet evening.

The next day there was a new lion in the lion cage. The new lion said to the other lions β€œso what’s the food like here??” The other lions responded...

β€œActually it’s quite good. Yesterday we had FISH, CHIMPS and MUSHY BEES!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SidB_22
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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So there are three female wizards assigned to protect three Rolex time pieces. My only question?

Which witch would watch which watch?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JHPSwitzer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
🚨︎ report
You hear about the cop who got busted for driving while intoxicated?

He thought he was supposed to protect and swerve.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Entree_The_Giant
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Protected cex has a password and unprotected cex doesn't.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JerryTheGamer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
🚨︎ report
LPT: Always wear hearing protection when you go to loud concerts.

This is sound advice.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rufnubbins
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
🚨︎ report
If you really think about it condoms are just sonblock.
πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theKidWithCam
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
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Not using protection was a big missed steak.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2018
🚨︎ report
Steve Irwin's line of sunscreen has been discontinued.

Turns out it failed to protect you from harmful rays.

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MannDude
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report

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