A merchant approached the captain of a SWAT team about upgrading their riot shields...

The captain replied, "Finally! A purchase I can get behind!"

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👤︎ u/BradEmery
📅︎ Feb 21 2019
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We should let more children play with shields

After all, shields are for all aegis

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📅︎ Sep 05 2018
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This morning I saw a lady scraping the ice off her wind shield with her credit card.

..She's not going to make any progress at that rate.

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📅︎ Nov 25 2015
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Can someone come up with a pun for the name Candace?

I don't wanna go with 'Candace get any better', since she probably heard that a thousand times already. Thanks!

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👤︎ u/DurianIce
📅︎ Apr 25
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The Viking Tale of Bran Rudolph the Red.

There are many tales that have come from Viking lore but few are as lost as the tale of Bran Rudolph the Red.

It was said that he was blessed by God's with a keen ability to predict the weather. Due to this magical gift, he became a renowned seaman. Feared by his enemies, and respected by his bannermen. After years of successful raids and conquests, one of his shield maidens finally plucked up the courage and asked him how he does it.

"Bran, how do you always predict the weather? How have you always, managed to avoid every storm the sea throws at you". All his men laughed and looked up at their leader. Before he could respond, his right-hand man stood up and with a smile on his face and retorted, " It's simple. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

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👤︎ u/Birdman27
📅︎ Dec 17 2019
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The Legend of Zorro and the Bacon Tree

So this is a bit long, sorry about that.

Zorro and his best bud the Lone Ranger were riding through the desert one day, I forget where they were heading to or where they had come from, but we can safely assume shenanigans of some kind were the driving force.

They have been travelling for most of the day and are starting to get tired. There has been a discussion about making camp for the night, but as things are they have agreed to continue riding for a while longer, till the sun starts to set. Away and off to the west the Lone Ranger spies a plant that seems to have large pink flowers that hang in strips with white stripes running the length of them.

"Zorro, what's that over there?" he asks.

Zorro turns in his saddle and raises his hand to shield his eyes from the sun. "Ah, it looks like a bacon tree, quite common in these parts. Let's ride on, there is a good place an hour from now to set up camp."

The two friends ride on and as the sun is beginning to descend the have stopped

... keep reading on reddit ➡

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📅︎ May 29 2019
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Joke about protection

If you think about it, condoms are just meat shields

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📅︎ Apr 15 2019
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My little brother just laid down a perfect dad joke..

My brother and I are watching Star Wars VI. The Rebel Alliance is talking about destroying the shields on the planet Endor. I turn to my brother and ask him, "Isn't Endor the planet with the forests and tall trees?". He grins, turns to me, and says, "No; that's Outdoor". I'm astounded a 12 year old could be so clever.

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📅︎ Dec 02 2013
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My grandfathers favorite joke:

(Works better when you say it out loud).

Do you know why it's called Staten Island?

Because when people first got there, they looked across the water and said 'S'dat-an island?'

He used to pantomime the punchline by shielding his eyes from the sun and squinting.

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👤︎ u/kazneus
📅︎ Dec 29 2013
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Dad just walked into the room...

Dad just walked into the living room shielding his eyes.

Me: What are you doing?

Dad: My parents taught me not to stare at the sun.

Me: What?

Dad: Because you're my son.

Mom and dad both literally had to leave because they were laughing so hard.

EDIT: Formatting.

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👤︎ u/saketssn
📅︎ Dec 30 2013
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[Request] Need puntastic suggestions related to flail!

Hi punterific people!

I'm a YouTuber that loves puns and use puns regularly in my videos when I play games. I'm having some new graphics donr for my channel and I want to change my 'saying' to reflect the punny part of... Well.. Me :)

The new art depicts my avatar (Game kNight) weilding a shield and a flail - and I want the saying to reflect something in that regard. I persistently play games to win (as if anyone did otherwise) and don't like failing (like most other gamers?);

Thoughts up until now: Flailure is not an option - for me! (but for the enemies I face is implied) Flailing is an option (because facing me will get you flailed) I will not flail you!

Hope you can help me out!

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👤︎ u/Shadewarp
📅︎ Mar 11 2017
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The newest Dodge line of cars should be called the "Resposibility"

The new 2016 Dodge Responsibility.

Options include: Anti-Radar stealth paint, and an voice activated license plate shield.

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👤︎ u/Amaroq208
📅︎ Sep 29 2015
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Not actually a dad...

But I think I've got potential. I'm a waiter. It was raining when I left for work earlier, so I put my apron on my head to shield myself. I thought of what I might say if anyone questioned me about it.

"I sometimes like to wear improvised nun hoods. It's not a very good habit."

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👤︎ u/Scipio33
📅︎ Apr 01 2014
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My dad laid this one on me after I told him about how my Halloween costume (Link from Legend of Zelda) was received.

Me: "So at my co-worker's party, I met a woman who suddenly called out "Link!" at me when she saw me and pulled me over to her side of the room to take a picture of my costume. She said that her friend, who wasn't at the party, had dressed up as Link, too. She was somewhat drunk and rather excited about it. I saw a picture of her friend on her phone. She had put a bit more commitment into the costume since she had a sword and shield."

Dad: "So... did you connect with her friend after the party..."

Me: "Uh.. no?"

Dad: "...on LinkedIn?

Me: *facepalm*

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📅︎ Nov 02 2015
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SOMEONE in this house needs to know how to Dad properly.

We're catching up on Agents of SHIELD tonight, and I commented that Agent Gonzales always seems to be conspicuously drinking a glass of water. My husband agreed that he does seem suspicious, and wondered aloud if he was actually a traitor.

I responded, "He may just be trying to stay Hydra-ated," and proceeded to fall over laughing on the couch while the husband slowly shook his head and sighed. Somewhere, my dad is glowing with pride.

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👤︎ u/Miett
📅︎ May 09 2015
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Dad joked while watching Star Trek.

My boyfriend and I were watching Star Trek, and I made a comment about the shields being down, to which he responded "they're just sad". After which laughing so hard he cried. Sigh.

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👤︎ u/bluejade89
📅︎ Nov 22 2014
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Girlfriend got me during Guardians of the Galaxy

Talk about the alien race called the kree

Me: The Kree were on the agents of shield tv show

Gf: That's Kree-zy

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👤︎ u/MattAzrael
📅︎ Dec 14 2014
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Droppings

Bird shits on our win shield. Dad: good thing cows don't fly!

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👤︎ u/D9TRI
📅︎ Jan 14 2014
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