What did the sword say to the shield after their fight last night?

Why did you block me?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Clone-Commando66
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
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A merchant approached the captain of a SWAT team about upgrading their riot shields...

The captain replied, "Finally! A purchase I can get behind!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 27
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BradEmery
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 21 2019
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This morning I saw a lady scraping the ice off her wind shield with her credit card.

..She's not going to make any progress at that rate.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tritty_kutz
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 25 2015
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We have a strict hierarchy policy for PPE usage at my office...

Regular workers must wear small face shields, while Managers get to use the super-visors.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KW-DadJoker
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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The Viking Tale of Bran Rudolph the Red.

There are many tales that have come from Viking lore but few are as lost as the tale of Bran Rudolph the Red.

It was said that he was blessed by God's with a keen ability to predict the weather. Due to this magical gift, he became a renowned seaman. Feared by his enemies, and respected by his bannermen. After years of successful raids and conquests, one of his shield maidens finally plucked up the courage and asked him how he does it.

"Bran, how do you always predict the weather? How have you always, managed to avoid every storm the sea throws at you". All his men laughed and looked up at their leader. Before he could respond, his right-hand man stood up and with a smile on his face and retorted, " It's simple. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Birdman27
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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My little brother just laid down a perfect dad joke..

My brother and I are watching Star Wars VI. The Rebel Alliance is talking about destroying the shields on the planet Endor. I turn to my brother and ask him, "Isn't Endor the planet with the forests and tall trees?". He grins, turns to me, and says, "No; that's Outdoor". I'm astounded a 12 year old could be so clever.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/toomuchlovin
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 02 2013
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The Legend of Zorro and the Bacon Tree

So this is a bit long, sorry about that.

Zorro and his best bud the Lone Ranger were riding through the desert one day, I forget where they were heading to or where they had come from, but we can safely assume shenanigans of some kind were the driving force.

They have been travelling for most of the day and are starting to get tired. There has been a discussion about making camp for the night, but as things are they have agreed to continue riding for a while longer, till the sun starts to set. Away and off to the west the Lone Ranger spies a plant that seems to have large pink flowers that hang in strips with white stripes running the length of them.

"Zorro, what's that over there?" he asks.

Zorro turns in his saddle and raises his hand to shield his eyes from the sun. "Ah, it looks like a bacon tree, quite common in these parts. Let's ride on, there is a good place an hour from now to set up camp."

The two friends ride on and as the sun is beginning to descend the have stopped and are making camp. As Zorro begins to make a fire he says to the Lone Ranger, "You know, I quite fancy some pork. You ride back to that bacon tree and get some for supper, and I'll finish setting up camp here."

"No problem Zorro, I won't be long" replies the Ranger, jumping back into the saddle and returning the way they came.

Time passes, and the sun begins to get low in the sky. 'Odd', thinks Zorro 'he should be back by now.' Another hour passes and the shadows are growing longer. 'I might have to go investigate, it's not like him to take his time.' More time passes, and, just as Zorro has decided that he must go search for his friend in the dwindling light, he hears the sound of Silver's hooves. Looking into the gathering gloom he sees his friend riding towards him. As the Lone Ranger nears Zorro can see the Lone Ranger is injured, there are cuts and bruises and he has an arrow through his hat.

"What on earth happened, Lone Ranger? Did you make it to the Bacon tree?"

The Lone Ranger dismounts and sighs heavily.

"That weren't no Bacon tree, Zorro. That was an Hambush."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ImpliedProbability
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 29 2019
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My grandfathers favorite joke:

(Works better when you say it out loud).

Do you know why it's called Staten Island?

Because when people first got there, they looked across the water and said 'S'dat-an island?'

He used to pantomime the punchline by shielding his eyes from the sun and squinting.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kazneus
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 29 2013
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Dad just walked into the room...

Dad just walked into the living room shielding his eyes.

Me: What are you doing?

Dad: My parents taught me not to stare at the sun.

Me: What?

Dad: Because you're my son.

Mom and dad both literally had to leave because they were laughing so hard.

EDIT: Formatting.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/saketssn
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 30 2013
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[Request] Need puntastic suggestions related to flail!

Hi punterific people!

I'm a YouTuber that loves puns and use puns regularly in my videos when I play games. I'm having some new graphics donr for my channel and I want to change my 'saying' to reflect the punny part of... Well.. Me :)

The new art depicts my avatar (Game kNight) weilding a shield and a flail - and I want the saying to reflect something in that regard. I persistently play games to win (as if anyone did otherwise) and don't like failing (like most other gamers?);

Thoughts up until now: Flailure is not an option - for me! (but for the enemies I face is implied) Flailing is an option (because facing me will get you flailed) I will not flail you!

Hope you can help me out!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Shadewarp
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 11 2017
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The newest Dodge line of cars should be called the "Resposibility"

The new 2016 Dodge Responsibility.

Options include: Anti-Radar stealth paint, and an voice activated license plate shield.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Amaroq208
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 29 2015
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My dad laid this one on me after I told him about how my Halloween costume (Link from Legend of Zelda) was received.

Me: "So at my co-worker's party, I met a woman who suddenly called out "Link!" at me when she saw me and pulled me over to her side of the room to take a picture of my costume. She said that her friend, who wasn't at the party, had dressed up as Link, too. She was somewhat drunk and rather excited about it. I saw a picture of her friend on her phone. She had put a bit more commitment into the costume since she had a sword and shield."

Dad: "So... did you connect with her friend after the party..."

Me: "Uh.. no?"

Dad: "...on LinkedIn?

Me: *facepalm*

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/cassius_longinus
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 02 2015
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SOMEONE in this house needs to know how to Dad properly.

We're catching up on Agents of SHIELD tonight, and I commented that Agent Gonzales always seems to be conspicuously drinking a glass of water. My husband agreed that he does seem suspicious, and wondered aloud if he was actually a traitor.

I responded, "He may just be trying to stay Hydra-ated," and proceeded to fall over laughing on the couch while the husband slowly shook his head and sighed. Somewhere, my dad is glowing with pride.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Miett
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 09 2015
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Dad joked while watching Star Trek.

My boyfriend and I were watching Star Trek, and I made a comment about the shields being down, to which he responded "they're just sad". After which laughing so hard he cried. Sigh.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bluejade89
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 22 2014
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Girlfriend got me during Guardians of the Galaxy

Talk about the alien race called the kree

Me: The Kree were on the agents of shield tv show

Gf: That's Kree-zy

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MattAzrael
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 14 2014
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