A couple is divorcing in court, and they are fighting for custody of their only child:

The woman tries to pity the judge: -Judge, I carried this child 9 months in my belly, it is the flesh of my flesh and it comes directly to me! The judge is moved and says: -Right mam, but now, lets listen to your husband's arguments. The man prefers to use his pragmatic side, and says: -Judge, when I put my coin in the vending machine,Is the can mine or is it to the machine?

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📅︎ Jun 21 2019
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Did you hear that the Energizer Bunny was taken into custody?

They say he was arrested for battery.

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📅︎ Jan 04 2020
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A child psychic who was arrested for shoplifting has escaped police custody.

It has been reported that a small medium is at large.

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📅︎ Feb 08 2020
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I was stopped by a Trooper today, he took my jumper cables into custody.

Apparently they are being held for battery charges.

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👤︎ u/badges254
📅︎ Jan 03 2020
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A 7-year-old boy is sitting in court during his parents' custody battle.

He shows up wearing an Ottawa Senators jersey, so the judge asks "Are you a Sens fan?" The boy nods his head.

During the custody battle, he is later asked if he wants to live with his mom. His reply is "No, she beats me when drunk."

The judge asks in shock, "Okay, what about your father?"

The boy replies, "But he beats me every day when he comes home from a bad work day!"

With no other options, the jude states "We will have to send you to a foster home." The boy protests.

"Well, who do you want to live with?" the judge asks.

The boy thinks a moment and says ,"The Ottawa Senators. They're nice to people in need, and they don't beat anybody."

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👤︎ u/JoshP99
📅︎ Dec 18 2019
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When Cheech and Chong broke up...

I wonder if they had to fight over joint custody?

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👤︎ u/Kerlandays
📅︎ Oct 13 2020
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What did the parents decide in the custody battle of their pyromaniac child?

He's arson

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📅︎ May 19 2019
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Why was the person with insomnia taken into custody?

They were resisting a rest.

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📅︎ Aug 24 2016
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My PE teacher told me I was so bad at golf that I should go to golf jail

It would be a shame if they putt me in there.

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👤︎ u/Ibean2d
📅︎ Jan 29 2020
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I stole this from a facebook group
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📅︎ Aug 06 2019
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A heart was taken into custody for murder yesterday. The locals are calling it a cardiac arrest
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📅︎ Sep 22 2015
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Winning custody
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👤︎ u/Fetrinol
📅︎ Mar 13 2015
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My son beat my neighbor in a marathon race.

He's now in custody for assault.

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📅︎ Jun 16 2019
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In the divorce I got the kids, and my wife took all the shoes.

We each got sole custody.

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👤︎ u/JoeFas
📅︎ Jun 25 2019
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A couple who were potheads were going through a divorce and had to go to court to fight for their child

The judge awarded the parents joint custody of the child

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📅︎ Sep 01 2016
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Grandpa told everyone this story at our Easter get together today

So everyone was talking and Grandpa said he had a good story to tell us. He said he was talking to someone when he was out shopping and she asked him how long he and Grandma were married, so he lets her know - 57 years. The woman is surprised and asks him how they stayed married so long, and he said "Well we couldn't get a divorce, because neither one of us wanted custody of the kids."

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📅︎ Apr 01 2018
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Police recently apprehended prime suspects.

One was released on a technicality, but two and three are still in custody.

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👤︎ u/sprelish
📅︎ Nov 16 2017
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When Cheech and Chong broke up, do you think they fought for Joint custody?
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📅︎ Dec 16 2018
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