They’re calling themselves the Guard-Ians of the Galaxy.
Just so I can say, "Your honour!! My client clearly isn't a flight risk."
I’m raisin awareness
Because he couldn't stand up for himself
After taking a bullet to the knee, his friend wasn't as lucky.
Others do them just for kicks.
I wasn't peppered.
A skeleton crew.
A Civil Serpent.
I don’t vax my floors. I don’t vax my chest hair, and I certainly don’t vax my legs.
She prescribed me trans-and-dental medication.
The judge says, "You might as well take the stand. According to your record of thefts and the current larceny charges against you, it appears that you've already taken about everything else."
The plaintiff got X-posed
It was a brief case.
The plaintiff got exposed
Judge: Why did you bring a taser to your lecture?
Defendent: Well you see sir, I have a hard time getting up in the morning. But I’m not a big fan of soft drinks or coffee, so I thought the next best thing was to give me a good shock.
Judge: What did you say?
Defendant: Thanks for reversing my sentence.
“We didn’t start the fire”
It was a brief case
we call the defendant quilty"
My mom is not more than 5 foot, so we all tease her about being short. My daughter is now as tall as her, so in church my mom is introducing her granddaughter to some friends and says that she has to wear elevator shoes to stay taller than her. I chime in, "yes, sometimes her elevator doesn't go to the top floor." The couple lost it, my mom was stunned, my daughter laughing her head off.
GAVEL GAVEL GAVEL
So this is a true story.
I work a retail job. My friend neglected to properly put his Mustang in park in his space. It moved backwards across the lot and in to a customer's Jeep Grand Cherokee. Luckily for him, the damage was not serious.
Unlucky for him, all of my coworkers (and a few customers) proceeded to mercilessly roast him on the showroom floor.
Looking to me to defend him, he asked, "why don't you back me up?"
I said: "Back up seems to be the last thing you need, I'd just learn to roll with it, you might say I'm pretty neutral..."
I defended myself saying "I've barely scratched the Surface"
Chester, the defendant, stood in front of the judge's imposing bench, waiting patiently for the reason why he was there. To further muddle the moment, he stared at items unfamiliar to him, at least in that context.
Perched on and near His Honor's desk were the following: A DuraLast Ultra in one car with a long, black cord stretching to another car, several alkaline D cells plugged into a black box, and lastly, a cell phone with its cord sticking into the wall.
Finally removing Chester's questioned look was his attorney leaning into his ear to whisper, "It's official, now: You're facing battery charges."
Our hero is rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.
Our hero lives in Marree, South Australia. He hears about a job opportunity in Darwin, so goes to his car to drive the 3,100 ks to Darwin. One problem, his car won't start.
This is no problem for our hero, because he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.
He walks to Darwin.
When he gets there, the bosses love him, and offer him the job on the spot.
"One problem," they say "The job is in Cape Town, and all air traffic has been halted because of the cyclones"
No problem for our hero. He's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.
Our hero gets on the boat to travel the 11,000 ks to Cape Town.
Not far into the journey, the boat hits a storm and capsizes. No problems for our hero, he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.
He starts swimming.
In the open ocean, a container ship spots him, and offers to help.
"One problem," the captain says over the loud speaker, "There's no rope".
No problem for our hero, he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.
He scales the side of the ship bare-handed.
A few days later, they're attacked by pirates. One problem, he's unarmed and outnumbered
No problem for our hero as he is rough, he is tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.
Our hero valiantly defends himself, gets some weapons, and is defending the bridge from all attackers.
He fights off the captain of the pirates, and deals him a mortal blow. One problem, the captain in his death throws, pushes our hero off the bridge, and he plummets towards the deck.
No problem for our hero as he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.
Because the earth is sick of the hypocrisy of the protesters who claim to be defending it.
You know, the one where you smash watamelons.
We came upon some other folks who were furiously tapping on their phones near what was, supposedly, an important location that he "owned".
My son, dejectedly, asked "My Pokemon are not very strong. Can you help me?"
I knelt down, looked at him and said "I am here to defend my Jim."
So I was having dinner with my father attempting to describe to him a bad experience I had while playing a game of League of Legends with my boyfriend. The conversation went as follows. " SO yeah, I was Evelynn a champion who can go invisible and my boyfriend told me to go back door their nexus, which is to go attack it when the team isn't there to defend it's kinda a cheep tactic, but ended up not working. Sigh" I look up at him and he replied completely straight-faced "At least you can't get pregnant that way" Needless to say I blushed profusely.
Have you anything to say before I pass sentence?
"Nothing your honor" the defendant replies.
Judge asks the clerk of the court "what did the gentleman say?"
The clerk repeats "nothing your honor"
Judge says "I'm sure I seen his lips move"
Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.
Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":