Why did the Secretary of Defense and the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff cross the road?

They were just following the chicken!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Colbosky
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 11 2020
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Teacher: Give me a sentence using the words defense, defeat and detail.

Student: When a horse jumps over defense, defeat goes before detail.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/c8choruta
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 18 2020
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The corona virus just learned self defense.

They were taught Kung Flu.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/MattBatz1991
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 31 2020
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The instructor in my self defense class told me that the most effective place to kick a man is near his knees.

Personally, I think it’s nuts

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/The_Nightman_82
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 21 2019
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One time my cat chased down a drone and brought it to me. The drone's owner accused me of theft. In my defense, I said it wasn't stolen...

...it was purr-chased

πŸ‘οΈŽ 33
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/MrLazyTiger
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 29 2018
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What was the photographer's defense in court?

Says he was framed.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/stgm_at
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 03 2018
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What did the lawyer say in the mesothelioma case say in defense of his client?

He was just doing asbestos he could!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jellysquidd
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 26 2018
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What did Daddy Skunk say to his children at the start of their self defense class?

Let us spray.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/slowshot
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 25 2017
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I bet the Department of Defense gives the low-quality rations to submarines.

After all, they're sub-optimal.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/i-kant_even
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 30 2017
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What is the new Canadian Defense Minister's Plan of Attack?

Sikh and destroy

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Flanagoon
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 05 2015
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Rudy Gobert should win the NBA Defensive player of the year award...

He shut the whole league down this year!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Good_Kid_Mad_City
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 23 2020
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I angered the Scottish guy by making fun of his skirt...

He nearly kilt me. I poked him in the aye in defense.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 32
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 15 2020
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The Jewish nation that replaced palestine is defensive about its existance.

Is real.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Mutant_Llama1
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 11 2016
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Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

The β€œp” is silent. And they’re extinct ☝🏻

Don’t forget to wear New Balance kids, it’s all about back support. Defense wins championships.

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 03 2019
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I saw some kids dressed "steam punk" today.

In their defense, it is the healthiest way to serve punk.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/FaceInTheCloudz
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 23 2019
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A king was looking to protect his secret maze...

...so he called in his court wizard to devise a means of defense. The wizard set to work at once. First, he wove a net, tightly so that nothing could escape. Then he traveled to the nearby lake.

For three days, he went to the edge of a dock, and cast his net into the water. Each time, he collected many small fish, until he had gathered thousands.

He then took the fish to his study, and carefully processed them, crushing them into a sticky paste. Warming the paste, he began to lather it across the walls of the maze.

When the king learned of this, he was very angry.

"How dare you cover my walls with fish paste!" he said.

The wizard replied, "But sire, everyone knows to protect a labyrinth, one must use a minnow tar."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 32
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/cmecau
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 07 2019
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I name all my farts 'the chair'...

That way I can always use the defense, "That was the chair"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/CryptoReaper5
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 29 2019
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A police officer walks into a tattoo parlor

A police officer walks into a tattoo parlor, hoping to get something cool drawn onto his shoulder. He walks up to the artist and shows him a picture of what he wants. In large text on a ribbon it says, "Protect and Serve." Below it, is a picture of a a badge, a pair of handcuffs, and a pistol. The tattoo artist is very good at his job, and says he can get this done in one session, so the officer sits down and the artist gets started. A few hours later, the artist is just finishing up, inking the last details of his service weapon. Once the last line is inked on the trigger, the cop gets up from his chair and looks in the mirror to see his new tattoo. His face twists into a look of shock and terror, pulls out his gun and opens fire onto the tattoo artist, killing him in the process. He gets on his radio, calling for backup, and took a defensive position until a few more cops and the police chief showed to the parlor minutes later. The chief, while examining the scene asks the officer, "What the hell? Why did you shoot this guy?" The cop says, "What did you expect me to do? The guy drew a gun on me!"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/kickypie
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 09 2019
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Hey Dad, we should throw a housewarming party for the new neighbors!

Dad moves defensively towards the thermostat: "A what kind of party?"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/crazyates88
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 10 2019
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My Dad's Favorite Joke

Okay so the animals have been on the ark for thirty days and thirty nights and frankly they are getting bored. So to provide entertainment B-Deck challenges C-Deck to a game of football. They get it all set up and begin play. B-Deck makes some early gains but C-Deck is unstoppable. They have Rhinoceros and once he gets going you cant stop him. Soon the first half is over and the score is 24-7. The second half begins and while in the huddle Rhinoceros looks over at B-Decks defensive line and sees Centipede on their defensive line. "Give me the ball," he says, "There aren't going to be any centipedes in the new world because I'm crushing this one right here and right now" The Center snaps the ball and the quarterback hands it off to Rhinoceros who begins charging down Centipede. Centipede rears up grabs Rhinoceros by the legs and SLAMS him to the deck. Ball pops loose, centipede grabs the ball. He's rushing down the field weaving in and out and TOUCHDOWN!!! The crowd goes wild! C-Deck's captain, Lion rushes over and says, "Centipede that was amazing! Where were you in the first half?" "Well I was lacing my shoes."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 35
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Bobby_849
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 12 2018
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Some people say that good hitting always beats good pitching

I dunno. I’m still on defense about the whole thing.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/realfakedoors000
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 16 2018
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Went to an art class today...

And when my girlfriend showed her piece, he scolded and critiqued her...In defense of my girlfriend I quickly shouted, "Hey, that's where I draw the line! You need to easel up on my girlfriend!"

He wasn't amused.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 30
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/kevingcp
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 30 2015
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Dadjoke'd my college class

So I forgot my school was having a planned fire drill. I was hanging outside my class building, ditching with my girlfriend when everybody suddenly poured out. My teacher came out in front of the entire class and asked me why I was already outside. I don't know what came over me, I guess my brain went into auto-defense-dad-mode because I told him:

What can I say? I'm a premature evacuator.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 224
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/cumulopimpus
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 09 2014
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I have a confession. I smoked over the weekend.

In my defense, it was the best chicken I've ever tasted.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/GorgeousFreeman64
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 09 2018
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Girlfriend got me with this one

We were having a mock argument and I said something about using the "wookie defense" to win.

She looked at me and said "Yeah, well it isn't wookie'n"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Soulfly37
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 31 2016
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I think he's ready.

Was complaining to a newly married buddy about how a couple of other dudes were using fairly cheap equipment for a particular job when he starts going on the defensive-

"Hey! Some people can only afford the goodwill stuff."
"I guess.."
"You can get some nice deals there. You hear about the sale at the farewell store?"
"No..?"
"There were a lot of good buys."
-____-

πŸ‘οΈŽ 46
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/AgeTurnipseed
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 08 2014
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Mom won Mother's Day at the expense of the church organist

Sitting in the backyard on a beautiful Mother's Day evening, the topic turned to our church organist who is absolutely awful and serves as the source of much pain and humor for my family.

Dad: After all these years you would think he would be able to play at least one song without a mistake.

Mom: In his defense, the pay is almost nonexistent. It's basically volunteer. So his heart is in the right place. pause His fingers just aren't!

Belly laughs all around. She was bright red laughing at her own joke. Well deserved.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/pantsthemusical
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 12 2014
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My dad's favorite thing to do while watching football.

Watching the Chargers-Bengals game, one of the Bengals defensive linemen is named Gilberry.

My dad says, "If his first name was Din, he would be Din Gilberry." Followed by a solid 30 seconds of laughter.

He will make puns based on players names at least once every game.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Thuperboy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 05 2014
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My dad dropped this last night

OK so a little background. My dad and stepmom recently adopted a chiwawa who had been abused by its previous owners. At first he was extremely skiddish but eventually warmed up and now is a pretty chill, albeit goofy, little guy. My brother was petting him last night and out of no where he gets defensive and turns and bites his leg.

My step mom goes, "Oh my gosh I'm so sorry. Hes still funny like that sometimes. Isn't he (my dad)?"

My dad non chalantly replies, "I laugh at him all the time."

Me and my brother were just losing it.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/SomeoneBetter
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 26 2014
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