What do you call a rap battle between two lizards? A reptile diss function
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AMswag123
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05
🚨︎ report
What do you call a cooking battle between a Spaniard and a Jamaican

A jerk off

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NickHilbe
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18
🚨︎ report
What would you call your knee if it engages in a rap battle? Disney
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hellgirlxoxo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26
🚨︎ report
This Sacramento comedy show is basically a pun-themed rap battle

A few years ago, we started a show that I quite frankly never thought would work.

Nearly four years later, including two sold out appearances at San Francisco Sketchfest and a local TV featurette, our show "Capitol PUNishment" is now streaming on Twitch Friday night at 8:30pm PST.

I hope it's ok to post this in here. If not, feel free to remove with no hard feelings. Just encouraging pun lovers to check out what is best described as "a fast-paced, in-the-moment spectacle that combines everything you love about gameshows, rap-battles, and "dad" jokes, into a unique and hilarious competitive format."

Our channel is twitch.tv/capitolpuns
Here's a little video to help paint the picture: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2RE9PgmfXo

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/capitolpuns
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15
🚨︎ report
Who was the Knight that was caught off guard in the battle field?

Sir Prise

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hey_peky
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21
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I keep having this dream about a horse in full battle armor.

Actually it's probably more of a knight mare.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
🚨︎ report
In the battle of the mint - the spearmint attacked the soft mints - all they could yell was..

"Where are the reinforcemints"

πŸ‘︎ 404
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rictusbb
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
🚨︎ report
How does a squid go into battle?

Well armed.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oxfordthethird
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09
🚨︎ report
What do you call a prearranged rap battle?

A diss appointment.

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMasonX
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the German General say after the biggest battle in WW 1?

Verdun here...

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ddgoodman92
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03
🚨︎ report
Check out the battle scar on my arm. Made from scratch.
πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gradymegalania
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
🚨︎ report
After a lengthy court battle with British Airways Luggage Handlers...

I sadly lost my case.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/great_red_dragon
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
🚨︎ report
A 7-year-old boy is sitting in court during his parents' custody battle.

He shows up wearing an Ottawa Senators jersey, so the judge asks "Are you a Sens fan?" The boy nods his head.

During the custody battle, he is later asked if he wants to live with his mom. His reply is "No, she beats me when drunk."

The judge asks in shock, "Okay, what about your father?"

The boy replies, "But he beats me every day when he comes home from a bad work day!"

With no other options, the jude states "We will have to send you to a foster home." The boy protests.

"Well, who do you want to live with?" the judge asks.

The boy thinks a moment and says ,"The Ottawa Senators. They're nice to people in need, and they don't beat anybody."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshP99
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
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What happens when you lose both your feet in a battle?

Defeated

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lil_loh_loh
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
🚨︎ report
5 hour pun battle with my dad over text
πŸ‘︎ 954
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Malian_Carver
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the battle down at the church?

It was all, pew pew pew!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dr-fuhrer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
🚨︎ report
In a battle of the numbers, evens were victorious

It was against all odds

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GaryTheKnight
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Which chemical liquid would destroy bacteria in a rap battle?

Dissingfectant

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Suss-it-out
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Their battle will be legendary!
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheEggPunster
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
🚨︎ report
How does an octopus go into battle?

Well armed

πŸ‘︎ 196
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πŸ‘€︎ u/katv1123
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
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Did you hear about the soldier who lost one foot in a battle, and fought on, only to lose his other foot as well?

He was finally defeeted.

πŸ‘︎ 283
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wimple007
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2018
🚨︎ report
If Ben and Jerry broke up would they engage in a custardy battle?
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hornwalker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
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The mΓ‘x pun battle reddit.com/r/MurderedByWo…
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oofygoofy_11
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
🚨︎ report
On a photo shop battle about a deer with a spider web between its antlers
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NearlyHame
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Kickstarter Pun-bait? No whey. Reddit, lend me your puns in this cheesy battle!
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MajesticMaje
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2019
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I didn’t understand the kids’ fascination with Battle Royal Games

But after a fortnight, I finally did.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MeButNotMeToo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
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Did you know there was a Knight who always refused to fight in battle?

His name was Sir Render.

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dadjokesig
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2018
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Battle of the Sentry!
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WonterWolf
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
🚨︎ report
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.

He's now a seasoned veteran.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ntuso
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
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What did the parents decide in the custody battle of their pyromaniac child?

He's arson

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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Plz halp, I need as many vegetable puns as possible ASAP, the epic vegetable pun battle of the century is now being waged and I am quickly running out of ammo while the enemy shows no signs of retreat
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoofyGoober1999
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2018
🚨︎ report
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.

It was a counter attack.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Peteman22
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
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My boyfriend and I have pun- battles
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SevenDoll
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
🚨︎ report
There was a ferocious battle in the kitchen reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dr-Vader
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
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The other day my colonel asked me why I refuse to use artillery in battle

So I told him 'it's a total overkill'

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Soviet_Komrade
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Being an estate lawyer is really just a battle of wills.
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/green_DM
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
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I won a battle against a spider by pulling off all its legs...

You could say I de-feeted-it.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sugarfreelemonade
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2018
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Insomnia is a constant battle...

I will not sleep until I find a cure.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Saladbbar
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2018
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In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo…

All the other paintball players started freaking out though…

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Pun Battle!!!

Post your best (or worst) puns into the comment section, let's see what you guys can come up with

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Natoface
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2018
🚨︎ report
Nothing like a good ol’ battle of the puns
πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/czarofel
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2018
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Two rivaling rappers, named Jim and Tom planned to meet up for a rap battle. Jim totally destroyed his rival.

Tom's fans didn't expect this kind of diss appointment.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2018
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What is the pyromancer's role in battle?

He is there to provide fire support.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nico_Storch
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
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Pun vs. meme breakroom battle....
πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JT078
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2018
🚨︎ report
I'm tired of hearing about French battles during The Great War

They are so o-Verdun.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ISiupick
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2018
🚨︎ report
The key to winning in Battle Royale games is the element

Of supplies

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRage469
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Do you think Star Wars could have just been a Scottish naval battle?

I mean think about it- it took place a long time ago, in a Gaelic sea far, far away!

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ“…︎ May 13 2018
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I was in a rap battle and during my opponent's turn he was sat on the floor shaking.

I think it was a nervous diss position.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you do to prove that you have cut off an enemy's foot it battle

Take a foe-toe

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deepBlueCheese
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2018
🚨︎ report
The Battle Network doing this now huh?
πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NuclearDrifting
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2018
🚨︎ report
[OC] A chief named Battle is scouting for fertile land with his son Attle

After a long and arduous hike, Attle is tired. "How much longer dad? Are you sure its is this way?"

"Son, trust me! Now stay close to me ok!"

Finally, Battle reaches a good viewpoint, and spots an island in the distance.

He excitedly yells: "Attle! Come on, hurry up, I think I found it".

Attle catches up to his dad. "Where is it?"

Battle points to the island, and says "Seattle"!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/baselganglia
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2018
🚨︎ report
How do electric cars get into battle?

They charge.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/N1CET1M
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2017
🚨︎ report
Got into a country based pun battle on Facebook. That's me in blue. imgur.com/a/QbXWa
πŸ‘︎ 234
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheCocktopuss
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2014
🚨︎ report
How does an octopus go into battle?

Well-armed.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/glyph-bellchime
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a member for a royal court who you can hire for cheap to represent you in a rap-battle?

A dis-count.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zeframecochrane
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2017
🚨︎ report
Why did the computer win the rap battle?

He had the best algorithm.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Griffy_42
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2018
🚨︎ report
When competing on a bird-related pun battle....

Owlways remember that Toucan play this game.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2016
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A friend challenged me to a rap battle

We agreed to meet the next day at the park, but he couldn't make it, i guess it was a diss appointment.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlownMC
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2017
🚨︎ report
HOO won this pun battle
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nay2003
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2017
🚨︎ report
I asked my wife to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the pub.

She always wanted a night in, shining armour.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JimmyNuggets
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2018
🚨︎ report
New to this amazing sub, so here's my favorite pun battle (I'm the green).
πŸ‘︎ 151
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HIXIIVII
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2013
🚨︎ report
Dad jokes are a constant battle...

My husband to me after putting our 3 year old down for bedtime:

"Oh, crap. I need to go get the monitor..."

pauses in the doorway

"You go get the Merrimac."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Grumpstick
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Which knight never won a battle?

Sir Render

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/merrahsleinad
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad just owned me in a facebook message rap battle.

First of all, yes my family have rap battles over facebook, we are that white. It's been a fun rap battle of sorts, and my dad just threw down then well... Here is the conversation:


Father: Parental rap battle, game over with this one...

Father: You say we are weak

that our rhymes are the worst

Just remember my lad that we were here first

Rap didn't begin right now with your gang

It started with ours and came out with a bang

That we can't rap - on Twitter you say

o what a betrayal, Et tu, Brute

Oh no, oh snap, did that happen here

Dad threw down some latin from Will Shakespeare

I'm done with this battle and now I'll decree

Just remember my apple you fell from this tree

Me: I honestly have no words.

Father: Shit.... [TheLegitMidgit] is speechless. How could that be?

Me: Color me impressed.

Father: Is that green?

Me: Stop while you're ahead.

πŸ‘︎ 193
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLegitMidgit
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2014
🚨︎ report
As an American army private during WWII, how did my great-uncle fight in the Battle of the Bulge...

Ardently

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Freklred
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Epic Pun Battle: Sewing
πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaxHalo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2015
🚨︎ report
I tried to battle Pokemon with Mongolian jerky.

Apparently its hard with dry Horsea

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Legend_of_Pope
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2017
🚨︎ report
After 24 years, I finally won a pun battle with him!

http://imgur.com/wEePwS7

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nolljosh
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2016
🚨︎ report
Need help with a pun battle!

The theme is onions.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/heysnowwhite
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2014
🚨︎ report
Three warriors, past, present, and future, are having a battle to the death.

It was a tense fight.

πŸ‘︎ 104
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AIWDI
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2014
🚨︎ report
Have you ever wanted to play Photoshop battles? But with puns instead?? Well look no further!!...

...fundarnmental_ePuns are here. (https://www.reddit.com/r/Fundarnmental_ePuns/) Now you can submit all the willy wittiest photos wordplay for all the world to see!!

This looked like a good place to x-link this, hope I don't get punished for it...

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_lss
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2016
🚨︎ report
What do you call a budhist running away from battle?

A meditation retreat.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blackcat74
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2017
🚨︎ report
What does an oyster wear into battle?

Clamouflage

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crack_rock
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2017
🚨︎ report
After a long battle with my wife, I got to name my son.

"Congratulations, sir," the doctor said, with tears in his eyes, "You're a father."

"Has he..?" I asked.

"Yes," the doc replied, his eyes welling with tears, "Theparty has arrived."

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/asphaltdragon
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2016
🚨︎ report
My brother foolishly challenged me to a pun battle.

The theme was fish/ocean related things. We passed around the usual "reel-y" and "shore you will" jokes until, in his words, I dropped the A-bomb of fish jokes.

Me: Do you know why fish swim in schools instead of churches?

Brother: Why?

Me: Because fish are like, "Ick- theology."

My brother then stood up and left the room for five minutes. When he came back...

Brother: You're a monster.

Me: Nah, I'm just moray eel-y corrupt.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Codoro
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2014
🚨︎ report
Some of the best puns I've heard. Not many videos on here but enjoy this rap battle. youtube.com/watch?v=lNtw6…
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/In_for_a_pound
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2015
🚨︎ report
How did the soldiers go to battle during the Revolutionary War?

In a circular motion.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hellslave
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2016
🚨︎ report
So, i'm playing this RPG called "Learn Japanese to survive Hirigana battle!"

I tell you what, there's some memorable characters in it.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zemtor
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2016
🚨︎ report
What was the result of the Obi Wan Kenobi vs. Darth Maul battle?

Obi Wan

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Warwolf5
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2016
🚨︎ report
Any military battle fought on December 25th...

is a war on Christmas.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mhoke63
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2015
🚨︎ report
What do you call a WWII battle that just finished communism school?

Leningrad.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/47monkeyz
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2014
🚨︎ report
Star Wars Pun Battle tickld.com/t/186402
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ksel
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2013
🚨︎ report
On the way to my Grandpa's funeral, who lost his battle with Alzheimer's

Dead silent on the way there for the majority of the ride. It was a very solemn trip, but then...

Dad: "You know, I had this great joke about Alzheimer's that my pops loved, but-- I just can't seem to remember it."

eyes roll/lightful chuckles ensue

Can always count on him to lighten the mood even in the darkest of times.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xgobez
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2014
🚨︎ report
I heard they'll be doing a re-enactment of the battle of Britain soon.

That's going to be annoying for the Germans.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/samzeman
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2015
🚨︎ report
Dad joke battle, and I'm winning

http://imgur.com/a/s7wSP

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/darksweetz
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2015
🚨︎ report
What kind of plankton win the most battles?

Phytoplankton

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icecreamlove
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2015
🚨︎ report
I keep having this dream about a horse in full battle armor

Actually it's probably more of a knight mare

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PopeliusJones
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
🚨︎ report

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