An alcoholic wakes up in jail and asks the nearest officer why he's there
"For excessive drinking" the officer replies
So the prisoner replies "Great, when do we start?"
π︎ 399
π
︎ Feb 23 2021
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
π︎ 39
π
︎ Feb 20 2021
Where do British police officers live?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 14 2021
Police officer, "So where did the hacker go?"
Me, "I have no idea. He just ransomwere."
π︎ 32
π
︎ Feb 22 2021
Where does the army get it's higher up officers?
π︎ 12
π
︎ Mar 01 2021
Whaddya call it when someone impersonates a police officer?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Feb 28 2021
This post, officer.
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Sep 24 2020
Me (in UK): officer, just enquiring, are you a fan of the music of Sting?
Me: the reason why I'm asking is that you are a member of the Police
Officer: please, Don't stand so close to me
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jan 17 2021
Officer: Youβre under arrest for stealing the Wikipedia servers...
Me: But officer, I can explain everything!
π︎ 56
π
︎ Jan 27 2021
Why did the police officer arrest a duck?
The duck was selling quack
π︎ 107
π
︎ Nov 29 2020
What the police officer said to the Antiperspirant after the traffic stop?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 26 2021
Officer: The victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar of antlers
Detective: Dear god
Officer: Yes most likely
π︎ 497
π
︎ Sep 09 2020
Officer: how did the hacker escape?
Me: I dunno, he ransomware
π︎ 32
π
︎ Dec 09 2020
Just been offered as a job a Noise Pollution officer .
But, I had to turn it down.
π︎ 34
π
︎ Nov 04 2020
A man asks a police officer if itβs a crime to throw sodium chloride in someoneβs eyes
Officer: βYes, thatβs assault!β
Man: βI know itβs a salt, but is it a crime?β
π︎ 25
π
︎ Nov 14 2020
I asked my police officer friend if he had made any progress with the investigation into who stole all their internet cables.
He said: No, we haven't even got any leads.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 18 2020
What did the police officer say when she caught a man peeing on the side of a building?
Urine big trouble mister!
π︎ 15
π
︎ Dec 07 2020
βOfficer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?β
Cop: itβs a .....moving violation.
π︎ 15k
π
︎ Apr 07 2020
What do you call a police officer who refuses to get out of bed?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Nov 23 2020
I answered the door today and a police officer said "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been in a car accident."
I replied "yeah, but at least she has a nice personality."
π︎ 36
π
︎ Nov 05 2020
If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
π︎ 13
π
︎ Nov 30 2020
Officer: Sir, why are you carrying pillows?
Because Iβm resisting a rest.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Nov 30 2020
What do you call a swat officers coat?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 03 2020
What do you call a senior-ranked military officer who offers nuggets of factual wisdom?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 26 2020
βOfficer, how did the hackers get away?β
βNo idea. They must have ransomware.β
π︎ 269
π
︎ Aug 19 2020
Officer : Sir, Maβam, Iβm afraid your child was responsible for burning the building.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Nov 14 2020
The police officer made me pay up for my crime.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 25 2020
Why did the Army private's ghost possess an Officer?
He wanted to appear in Corporeal form!
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 14 2020
What did the police officer tell his belly button?
π︎ 13
π
︎ Oct 15 2020
An officer pulled me over for not stopping in a stop sign and asked why
I simply said "I don't speak sign language"
π︎ 13
π
︎ Oct 06 2020
What do you say to a police officer when he gets on your boat?
Police put on your life vest!
(This is a joke I made up at the age of 6 while on a boat!)
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 07 2020
A police officer, notorious for bad spelling, is set to interrogate three theives, Tim, Bob, and Joe.
When asked who he thinks will give up the location stolen goods, he replys βOnly Time will tellβ
π︎ 14
π
︎ Sep 21 2020
Why did the police officer get suspended?
π︎ 318
π
︎ Jun 05 2020
A police officer stops a guy carrying a backpack on suspicion of terrorism.
The police officer asks him to let him check his backpack.
The guy obliges.
In his backpack, the officer finds some textbooks, a calculator, a compass and a ruler.
"Aha!", shouts the policeman, "as I suspected. You are under arrest!"
"But why?" the guy protests.
"You have been caught carrying weapons of math instruction!"
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 30 2020
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebeeβs, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
βJust-ice has been servedβ
π︎ 7
π
︎ Sep 04 2020
Which officers tell the corniest jokes?
π︎ 21
π
︎ Sep 05 2020
A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states
π︎ 37
π
︎ Aug 14 2020
A Police officer called Roxanne told me how to social distance,
She said "don't stand, don't stand so close to me"
π︎ 10
π
︎ Sep 29 2020
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with you...
..But I can see where you are coming from.
π︎ 27
π
︎ Aug 23 2020
A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"
"For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Dec 08 2020
Me: Officer, why are you crying while writing me a ticket?
Cop: Itβs such a moving violation.
π︎ 73
π
︎ Oct 21 2020
βOfficer, are you crying while you are writing me a ticket?β
Cop: Itβs a...moving violation.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Nov 03 2019
"Officer, how did the hacker you were following, escape ?"
"Don't know he just ransomware"
π︎ 110
π
︎ Jul 11 2020
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.