An alcoholic wakes up in jail and asks the nearest officer why he's there

"For excessive drinking" the officer replies So the prisoner replies "Great, when do we start?"

πŸ‘︎ 399
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πŸ‘€︎ u/st_jimmy_02
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.

He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Where do British police officers live?

999 Letsby Avenue!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jamster_1988
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Police officer, "So where did the hacker go?"

Me, "I have no idea. He just ransomwere."

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Where does the army get it's higher up officers?

From the general store

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nuudom
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Whaddya call it when someone impersonates a police officer?

A coptical illusion

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BoarderGod
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
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This post, officer.
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UnsteadyKoala
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Me (in UK): officer, just enquiring, are you a fan of the music of Sting?

Me: the reason why I'm asking is that you are a member of the Police

Officer: please, Don't stand so close to me

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kishenoy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Officer: You’re under arrest for stealing the Wikipedia servers...

Me: But officer, I can explain everything!

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/themeatspin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the police officer arrest a duck?

The duck was selling quack

πŸ‘︎ 107
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheWolfman29
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What the police officer said to the Antiperspirant after the traffic stop?

Roll-on.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/woodybg
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Officer: The victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar of antlers

Detective: Dear god

Officer: Yes most likely

πŸ‘︎ 497
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Connor0388
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Officer: how did the hacker escape?

Me: I dunno, he ransomware

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lordofthstrings
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Just been offered as a job a Noise Pollution officer .

But, I had to turn it down.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
A man asks a police officer if it’s a crime to throw sodium chloride in someone’s eyes

Officer: β€œYes, that’s assault!”

Man: β€œI know it’s a salt, but is it a crime?”

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trace826621
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my police officer friend if he had made any progress with the investigation into who stole all their internet cables.

He said: No, we haven't even got any leads.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gubaxter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the police officer say when she caught a man peeing on the side of a building?

Urine big trouble mister!

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TitanPhoebs
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œOfficer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?”

Cop: it’s a .....moving violation.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a police officer who refuses to get out of bed?

An undercover cop.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Imholt11
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I answered the door today and a police officer said "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been in a car accident."

I replied "yeah, but at least she has a nice personality."

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...

did he just bust a move?

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Daudelin1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Officer: Sir, why are you carrying pillows?

Because I’m resisting a rest.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/redrocketinn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a swat officers coat?

A brooch and clear

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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What do you call a senior-ranked military officer who offers nuggets of factual wisdom?

The Colonel of Truth

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CopsaLau
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œOfficer, how did the hackers get away?”

β€œNo idea. They must have ransomware.”

πŸ‘︎ 269
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Officer : Sir, Ma’am, I’m afraid your child was responsible for burning the building.

Dad : You mean our son?

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KIT-3
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
The police officer made me pay up for my crime.

Meh, that's fine

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timfreemints
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the Army private's ghost possess an Officer?

He wanted to appear in Corporeal form!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CognitiveNerd1701
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the police officer tell his belly button?

YOU'RE UNDER A VEST!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShiverMeeTimberz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
An officer pulled me over for not stopping in a stop sign and asked why

I simply said "I don't speak sign language"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OshriM
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you say to a police officer when he gets on your boat?

Police put on your life vest!

(This is a joke I made up at the age of 6 while on a boat!)

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoLoMoXI
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
A police officer, notorious for bad spelling, is set to interrogate three theives, Tim, Bob, and Joe.

When asked who he thinks will give up the location stolen goods, he replys β€œOnly Time will tell”

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StefanE30325i
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the police officer get suspended?

Beats me.

πŸ‘︎ 318
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ipooponturtles
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A police officer stops a guy carrying a backpack on suspicion of terrorism.

The police officer asks him to let him check his backpack.

The guy obliges.

In his backpack, the officer finds some textbooks, a calculator, a compass and a ruler.

"Aha!", shouts the policeman, "as I suspected. You are under arrest!"

"But why?" the guy protests.

"You have been caught carrying weapons of math instruction!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said

β€œJust-ice has been served”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thunderfighter6
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Which officers tell the corniest jokes?

The Colonels.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Possibly_a_stoat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states

Solid, liquid and gas

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emu404
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
A Police officer called Roxanne told me how to social distance,

She said "don't stand, don't stand so close to me"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kishenoy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with you...

..But I can see where you are coming from.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"

"For drinking." replies the cop.

"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Me: Officer, why are you crying while writing me a ticket?

Cop: It’s such a moving violation.

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œOfficer, are you crying while you are writing me a ticket?”

Cop: It’s a...moving violation.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
🚨︎ report
"Officer, how did the hacker you were following, escape ?"

"Don't know he just ransomware"

πŸ‘︎ 110
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πŸ‘€︎ u/magop7
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
🚨︎ report

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