Captain Pun

There was a captain that was roused from his cabin by a commotion on his ship.

He ran out and yelled β€œWhats going on?!"

His first mate replied β€œWe Have Octopuses on the poop deck, captain!”

The Captain looked around as a few squid scurried around the deck and said β€œInform the passengers that our arrival to shore will be delayed due to... tentacle difficulties."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MalosBlade
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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Sea Captain

A sea captain hunted for his white whale for decades. When he finally came upon it, a storm roared to life and began to toss his ship to and fro. A cannon came loose and crushed his leg.

He got the whale, and left behind a legacy.

((Work in progress. Just came to me during a conversation over a game of cards. Feedback welcome.))

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheCVisNih
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09
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Where does captain hook like to shop?

The second-hand store.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/InterwebWeasel
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
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The Captain of our flight called the cops when he saw a film crew

He heard they were there to shoot a pilot

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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Ship Captain: Guys, I need help. I don’t remember how to write 2 in Roman numerals.

Crew: I I Caprain.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?

>!The second hand store.!<

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Unclebigfoote
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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What did Captain Kirk say to Spock as he was hanging off a cliff?

Just Klingon, I’ll go get help!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trendfoll
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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A pirate wanted to celebrate his captain’s birthday, so he bought a large quantity of balloons while ashore. Back on the ship, he walked over to hand the balloons to the captain, but he tripped and most of them floated away. The captain said, β€œArrr! That was a costly mistake...”

β€œWe lost a lot of doubloons.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Unfussed
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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What did Captain America say to his wife after taking Viagra?

"I can keep this up all night"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElgarRS
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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If Captain Marvel got snapped by Thanos...

she'd be Debris Larson.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Negative_Integer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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While sailing across the ocean, the night watchman saw a dark shape in the distance. He called the First Mate, who also couldn't tell what it was. So he called the Captain. "I can't tell either," he said. "Fetch me an obstetrician."

The obstetrician came to the bridge, squinted into the night and said:

"Congratulations, Captain. It's a buoy!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thesmartass1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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Did you hear about the sea captain that went in for a hat fitting at the local haberdashery during rough seas?

He was cap-sized.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpartanMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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Somebody get the Captain! There’s been a hull breach! We’re going down!

Oh sorry, wrong sub

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roku-Hanmar
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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Pirate goes to doctor to have groin pain checked. Dr. looks down pirates pants and says, β€œyou have a captain’s steering wheel in your pants.”

Pirate replied, β€œarghh, it’s driving me nuts”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/legendary-jake
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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Where was the captain sent after he hit another ship?

anchor management

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ocean_Beast
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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Captain America at his best
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iamrdk21
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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What does Captain Kirk and toilet paper have in common?

They both fight Klingons around Uranus.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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A Navy captain got in trouble for ordering an anchor much too large for his ship

Weigh more than needed

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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What did Bones say to Captain Kirk at the river crossing?

Dam it, Jim (Be gentle it’s my cake day)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Guru_in_flannel
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
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Why did the pirate captain say "Arrr!"

The crew came to him and said:

"We be ready for the voyage, cap'n!" "Arrr! It's 'we ARE ready for the voyage,' ye scallywags!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrMaebart
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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Why do Egyptian riverboat captains tend to be flat-earthers?

Because they live in da Nile.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trippy-puppy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
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How did Captain Hook fight Peter Pan & the lost boys?

Single-handedly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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Captain America doesn’t even call them Freedom Fries.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-JasonTe
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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A captain and his crew. (Hopefully hasn’t been posted before lol)

Once upon a time there was a pirate captain who was the most amazing best captain a crew could ever ask for. His crew loved him more than anything and would do absolutely anything for him.

One day as they were sailing, a crew member In the crows nest shouts, β€œone ship off the port side!” Immediately the captain yells at his crew, β€œMen! Bring me my red shirt!”

Slightly confused, the men hesitate for a second and then hurry off to bring the captain his red shirt. Amazingly they win the battle!

The men are so happy and thankful their captain brought them safely through the battle they don’t even care why the captain wanted his red shirt.

A few months of sailing some more, again the man in the crows nest yells, β€œTwo ships off the port side!” Quickly the captain screams, β€œMen! Bring me my red shirt!” The crew doesn’t hesitate this time to get him his red shirt and what do you know? They win this battle too!!

The crew is astounded at their captains awesomeness!!! They honestly could not find anyone better. This time though the crew stops a moment and asks the captain, β€œWhy do you always have us bring you your red shirt?”

The captain replies, β€œWell men, if I get stabbed the blood will blend into my red shirt and it will look like I’m not hurt so that you will all fight as hard as if I were still alive.”

The men can’t believe what they hear! How could they be so lucky as to have a captain so incredibly smart and courageous??!!

Two seconds later, β€œTWENTY SEVEN SHIPS OFF THE PORT SIDE!!!!!!!”

Calmly, with an even tone, the captain says, β€œMen, bring me my brown pants.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RecTym
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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Where does captain hook get good deals on used prosthetics?

At the second hand store

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πŸ‘€︎ u/-umop-apisdn
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
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Captain America vs Wolverine imgur.com/Uhy8rOJ
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xerotrope
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
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Should we give Captain America's fight technique a name. I have one.

Capslock

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πŸ‘€︎ u/geeky_or_nerdy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
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Why didnt Captain America lift Thor’s hammer untill he needed to?

He didn’t want to steal his thunder

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Parkwad
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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How many ears do Star Trek captains have?

3

A left ear.

A right ear.

And a final frontier

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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I have a friend who is obsessed with the Scarlett Witch, Captain Marvel, and Black Widow.

I guess you can say he's a heroine addict.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drogers5606
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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What is Captain Morgan’s fav board game to play with his family?

Rummoli

:)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/not_a_fly
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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Captain America humour be like
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AgentAqua7897
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
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Cut the potatoes into penis shapes and fill your boat with them. Now you are the captain of a ...

Dictatorship.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
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Captain America
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
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Captain America got point
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iamsdhere
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
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The first thing I’ll say if Captain James Hook ever get hit by a truck is

β€œYou ain’t seeing half of the insurance money”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wu-Chinese
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
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What's a pirate captain to do during quarantine?

Cleaning their YAAAAAARGHD

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πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
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I'm a sea captain, my crew was goofing off at the back of the ship...

... I had to give them a stern warning.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
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When Captain Hook was running away from the ticking alligator..

It must have been very time consuming!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
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Why was the captain of the USS Roosevelt relieved of command?

The Navy hates leaks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/amart612
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
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Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?

At a second hand shop.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Where did Captain Hook get his hook?

From the secondhand store!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tbtbjmt
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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Captain Marvel got snapped by Thanos.

She was played by Debris Larson.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Negative_Integer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Where does Captain Hook buy his hooks ?

At the second hand store

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fuck-o-Dear
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I just found out where Captain Hook got its hook

He got it from a second-hand store

πŸ‘︎ 475
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryansberc21
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Where did captain hook buy his hook

The second hand store

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nihilman
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
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