Quick aside. If admiral ackbar contracted a minnow-scule amount of salmon-ella poisson-ing while tuna-ing his guitar on his carp-et, would he instead need to use his bass tonight?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joker-here
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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Makes me sad that Captain Hook never made it to Admiral

Guess it didn’t Pan out

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
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What button does the Naval admiral press to launch the submarine torpedo?

The belly button

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2018
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She was only the Admiral's daughter,

but her naval base was full of discharged seamen.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MilPens
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2016
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An Admiral looks up all the ships under his command in awe...

It's a fleeting moment.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mike91444
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2016
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A man & his wife were taking a winter stroll & admiring the trees that were glistening white with ice & snow. A stranger walked past them and said, β€œBeautiful hoar-frost!”

The man replied, β€œWhy thank you kind sir, but my name’s not Frost.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Uncle_Bug_Music
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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While waiting in the lobby of a Chinese restaurant, Don was admiring a painting on the wall of a Chinese sailing vessel and said to his friend Mike: β€œIsn’t that a great looking ship?” Mike replied:

β€œIt’s junk”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bardbelle
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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Admirers of sports are called sports fans. Admirers of the Sistine chapel are called?

Ceiling fans

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Virtual-Prime
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
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I heard the catering on the Star Wars movies was exceptional. An admirable snackbar.
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DalbergTheKing
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
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I truly admire people who can hold 9 to 5 jobs

I can barely work 2 jobs at once myself

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KuboS0S
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
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You gotta admire Voldemorts work on horcruxes.

I mean.. he put his soul into it.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zapyre
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
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My son just caught his first fish and sat on the wall all day admiring it!

It was a perch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
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What did the flamenco dancer admire about the fisherman?

The way he’d cast a net.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bvlshewic
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2019
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I always admire countries that's into wind-turbine energy.

Really a big fan.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wIXMamamama
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2019
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If I was the director of admissions at Hogwarts...

I would walk into every room while giving tours with my arms outstretched, head tilted slightly upwards, eyes shining, just admiring the beauty of the space and then spin around slowly and proudly state, "And this? THIS is where the magic happens!"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/expertn00b
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
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My wife and I just found out she's pregnant with our first child.

To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.

"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."

"Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."

"Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."

"Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."

"Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/m_bowker-brown
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
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Why does everyone admire and respect their feet?

Because feet are legends

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viserys8769
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2018
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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If you admire a female ghost, .....

Do you respectre?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Metalprof
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2018
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My favourite chicken is called "Respect & Admiration Chicken".

I cook it in esteemer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2018
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I really admire the Pillsbury Dough Boy

He's become a real role model for me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jumboshrimp4
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2018
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A man sees a celebrity he admires on the street and runs over to him...

A man sees a celebrity he admires on the street and runs over to him but doesn’t take the hint that the celebrity wants to be alone and is irritable. After about 10 minutes of following him and shouting at him the man yells, β€œI love this guy, he’s the shit!” The celebrity finally has enough and punches the man in the face... And that’s when the shit hit the fan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Delsincameback
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2018
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God finished creating the 24-hour cycle on Earth...

...with both darkness and light taking turns. He admired his hard work with a smile and a sigh. An angel asked him β€œWhat’s wrong, Lord?” God replied β€œI think I’m gonna call it a day.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beard_on
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
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When my daughter was admiring a mural on the side of a factory...

Me: it's satis-FACTORY

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πŸ‘€︎ u/strider820
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2016
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I really admire all those fishermen that gave up fishing to figure out prices for toddler toys.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2016
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How do you know if a sniper likes you?

He misses you

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kingaudino
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
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An excellent sea captain is...

... admirable.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
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Some examples of high quality posts for /r/DadJokes to admire.

http://i.imgur.com/KaoaXcU.jpg

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ranzear
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2015
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Going Shopping

Two rednecks were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.

One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?'

The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!'

The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.'

The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'

Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?'

The second redneck replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Who is captain crunches supervisor ?

GENERAL MILLS

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jediesel
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2015
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Why do you always salute a refrigerator?

Because it's General Electric.

Or Admiral I suppose.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
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Dadjokes at the bar

I was sitting at a moderately crowded bar last night enjoying dinner when an older couple came up and sat next to me. We exchanged hellos and I continued eating my jambalaya. After a bit, the husband finally knew what he wanted to drink.

Husband: "Do you have (so and so) beer?"

Bartender: "Hang on a sec, I'll check."

As the bartender walked away, the husband held both of his arms in the air, closing his hands into fists right above his head, a la Steve Holt. After about 30 seconds, and you could tell she really didn't want to, the wife asks what he's doing.

Wife: "Honey, why are your arms in the air?"

Husband: "I'm hanging on."

The wife rolls her eyes and I laugh inappropriately loudly. He grins.

So at this point, the joke has been made. It's over. But no! He's in it for the long haul. He kept his arms in the air for a solid 3 more minutes, just so the bartender could get in on the joke. She returns with his bottle of beer.

Husband: "Can I stop hanging on now?"

Bartender groans.

Wife: "Yes, please."

I admire his dedication. And his taste in beer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/toews4pres
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2015
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Apparently my dog thinks dinner time is just a big EDM concert

He sits there, his pupils getting bigger and bigger, just waiting for the drop.

πŸ‘︎ 487
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Derptron5K
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2017
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A very punny joke inside

Ok now that all the r/PunPatrol people are gone I am willing to be a spy for your organization. I have currently achieved the rank of supreme admiral punsniffer and have solid evidence on r/PunPatrol's next targets.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lucker1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
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A father and his son are by the beach

They start to admire the holiday homes that are near the beach

"How heavy do you think this house is?" His son suddenly asks, pointing at one of them.

"I don't think it'll be that heavy," the dad replied, "since it's a lighthouse."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kiyneeee
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
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Don't spell part backwards.

It's a trap.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/norwo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2017
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A little history...

In the late '60s the government was developing ARPANET and the developers were trying to find a way for users on the system to communicate with each other.

The scientists involved came up with an electronic messaging system that they called the Tickle.

Tickles could be used to send important code updates, meeting invitations, or even just little jokes all along the network.

The DOD heard about these Tickles and asked for a briefing to determine their military potential. At a high-level meeting of generals and admirals, the lead developer presented the Tickle concept.

The ranking General asked for a demonstration and the lead scientist said "Sure, I'll send you a test Tickle."

And that's how E-mail was born.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkipperMcGoo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
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My friend owns a mall (long)

I'm here today to tell you all a horrible story, so that none of you have to go through the same experience as my friend.

My friend, Hugh, is a very religious man, who is also involved in our community. 2 weeks ago, our local church burned down and Hugh believed it was his Christian duty to help them get back on their feet. Hugh allowed the friars of the church to set up a cart in his mall to sell their flowers. Every day, the friars came in at 7:00 in the morning with a bushel of beautiful flowers and began to work diligently to arrange them into bouquets. All was going well, the mall was generating more revenue and the church was making more money than they were by selling the flowers in front of the church on Sunday. Everyone was happy; until that first weekend.

Our town is kinda tourist-y, so we get some out-of-towners on the weekends. A gay couple came to the mall the first weekend that the friars had taken up shop (Typically, our town is pretty progressive, but the friars tended to be uber-conservative). The couple came over to the cart and admired the flowers; they tried to purchase a bouquet, but the friars refused to sell to them. The couple was outraged and went to see Hugh directly. They complained to him that the friars were being discriminatory, so Hugh promised to have a talk with the friars. When Hugh confronted the friars, they refused to sell to the couple on the grounds that β€œthey were committing an atrocity in the eyes of the lord.” The couple stormed off and promised to boycott the cart.

This past weekend, the couple came back with a large group and a letter from the mayor, saying that the friars had to sell to them, regardless of sexual preference. The friars stood firm and refused to sell to them, so the group started a protest. They brought in signs and started chanting around the cart. The friars continued to sell their flowers and Hugh allowed them to remain, so eventually the protest began to boycott the mall, rather than just the cart.

By today, the mall had lost 50% of its normal weekend revenue. The group sent a letter to Hugh saying that they could forgive him if he shut down the flower cart within the week. Hugh was pretty broken up, but he had no choice. To maintain his livelihood, he would have to kick the friars out of his store. He talked with the friars this morning and revoked their previous agreement. The friars had their cart packed and left by 7:30, to huge cheers from the community. The mall has been pretty norm

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/st_pugsley
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2016
🚨︎ report
The story of Captain Bravado

A long time ago, a pirate, named Captain Bravado, was sailing the sea with his fellow pirate friends.

One day, as he was sailing the sea, an enemy ship approched. His crew was really nervous.

He said: "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first man who heard the order got him his red shirt. They went to war and killed all the enemy pirates. That night, his crew asked why he wanted a red shirt.

He said: "If I had been hit during the fight, you wouldn't have seen my blood."

All his men were looking at him with admiration. The next day, at dawn, 10 ships approched Captain Bravado's vessel. His men were horrified. They were waiting for his order.

He said: "Bring me my brown pants !"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RandomGuyNumber1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Packing our Dodge Caravan with luggage for our vacation is truly an art.

I always step back and admire my Mini Van Goh.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bayarea168
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2018
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First dinner out with our son

My wife and I went out for dinner with our 5 week old son. A group of grandparents (no relation) were expressing their admiration and asked my wife how old he is. "26" I answer, receiving a knowing smile from the grand dads and groans from everyone else.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2014
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Mom joke

In clinic today a female patient was admiring our MA's tattoos and said she had a large tattoo of a snake from her belly button, across her hip, and down to her tailbone. MA apprehensively said yes when asked if she wanted to see it.

Lady lifts up her shirt and... No tattoo.

Patient: "do you see it"?

MA: "no"

Patient: "well then it must have went back in it's hole"!

She was like 60+ years old. Priceless.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DTFoldlaundry
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2018
🚨︎ report
A fireman was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon, with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle...

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and cat.

"That sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman said with admiration.

"Thanks!" the girl replied.

The fireman looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

The fireman said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2017
🚨︎ report

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