I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk
π︎ 54
π
︎ Mar 25 2021
My mates and I are in a band called "Duvet".
π︎ 93
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
I thought that I finally met my sowl mate...
But she said I was too boar-ing.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 25 2021
Naah mate, just my pHocus is changed now
π︎ 22
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
My mate has just seen the Chernobyl documentary...
He actually grew up in Ukraine in the 1980βs and was able to count at least 8 historical inaccuracies on one hand.
π︎ 480
π
︎ Jan 21 2021
When I told my mate I was going deaf, he asked, βwhat are the symptoms?β
I said, βtheyβre a yellow cartoon family with Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggieβ
π︎ 213
π
︎ Jan 26 2021
The main purpose of the call-response hooting that many owls engage in is to find and attract a potential mate.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 29 2021
My mate tried to tell me Mufasa was a Hyena...
π︎ 11
π
︎ Feb 19 2021
Harry Potter canβt tell the difference between his potionsβ pot and his best mate
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 27 2021
My mate Iain...
My mate Iain has one eye bigger than the other.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 30 2021
How do people actually make new mates as an adult?
π︎ 18
π
︎ Feb 06 2021
I come up with a really lame two word gay joke the other day that i was afraid my gay mate might find offensive
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jan 11 2021
Mate was feeling down so I told him there's a positive and negative to everything, you just gotta find it...
Poor fella can't even put batteries in right....
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 26 2021
My mate had a combined Burns Night and Chinese New Year party he called Chinese Burns Night
I wasn't going to go, but he twisted my arm
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jan 29 2021
My mate says I'm getting fat, but in my defence...
Iβve had a lot on my plate recently.
π︎ 60
π
︎ Jan 10 2021
My mate hates it when....
My mate hates it when I put his chocolate bars into different wrappers...
It's gets his Snickers in a Twix
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jan 12 2021
My mates were thinking of alternative names for shampoo.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 16 2021
My mate tiled my roof for me.
When I asked him how much I owed him, he said, "Don't worry. It's on the house."
π︎ 90
π
︎ Oct 26 2020
I'll never forget the day I first met my wife. We were at a fancy dress party and she was stood there, looking gorgeous and slim, with her fat mate...
They'd gone together dressed as the number 10...
I knew there and then that she was the One!!
π︎ 70
π
︎ Nov 06 2020
How did the moose pick his next mate?
A quick game of fuck, fuck, moose.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 04 2020
My Caribbean mate never seems too bothered when we arrange to meet up;
I think he might be from the 'K Man' islands
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 12 2020
My mate composes songs about sewing machines.
He's a Singer songwriter, sew it seams.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Oct 04 2020
A guy says he taught his dog Morse code. "Aye right Show me." Mate says. Guy turns to dog and asks "who's been a good boy then?" Dog uses paw on ground. Tap tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap tap tap pause tap. "what he say?" Mate asks
π︎ 15k
π
︎ Dec 06 2019
While sailing across the ocean, the night watchman saw a dark shape in the distance. He called the First Mate, who also couldn't tell what it was. So he called the Captain. "I can't tell either," he said. "Fetch me an obstetrician."
The obstetrician came to the bridge, squinted into the night and said:
"Congratulations, Captain. It's a buoy!"
π︎ 11
π
︎ Oct 18 2020
Womb-mates is an acceptable term for twins
π︎ 11
π
︎ Oct 03 2020
My mate David had his ID stolen...
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Jan 07 2020
Mate: where you getting all these jokes from?
Me: Reddit
Mate: I know you read it, but where?
π︎ 15
π
︎ Oct 07 2020
I said to my mate, "I can't stop buying Beatles records..
He said "You need help."
"I've got that one." I replied.
π︎ 117
π
︎ Jul 07 2020
What do you get when two lizards canβt mate?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Nov 08 2020
Do Australians really say mate that often?
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Aug 08 2019
My mate used liquorice as bait when he went fishing.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 17 2020
My best mates and i played a game of hide and seek, it went on for hours
Good friends are hard to find.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Sep 30 2020
Why do lions only mate in the summer?
Because the pride comes before the fall!
π︎ 66
π
︎ Jul 23 2020
Polar bears are known be extremely moody and sometimes even mate with their own gender.
Thus truly making them bipolar
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 13 2020
My mate works in Dublin hospitalβs fracture clinic. The pay's crap....
....but she enjoys the craic.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 26 2020
So im about ten years old walking home from school with my mates..
When a chap in a van pulls up gets out and says there is a new leather sette and a leather chair in the van you can have it free of charge.
We decided to take it to our house.
I told my dad expecting him to be pleased.
Instead he came over and clipped my ear with the back of his hand.
Crying i said what was that for.
My dad said How many times do i have to tell you.
DONT TAKE SUITES OFF STRANGERS!
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 01 2020
An alternative... was that A'Tuin was crawling from the Birthplace to the Time of Mating. When they arrived they would briefly and passionately mate, for the first and only time, and from that fiery union new turtles would be born to carry a new pattern of worlds.
This was known as the Big Bang hypothesis.
Joke by Terry Pratchett, βThe Colour of Magicβ, Prologue.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Sep 03 2020
He gets a mini heart-attack when the Australian waiter says "Check, Mate"
π︎ 22
π
︎ May 11 2020
You wanna have beef with me? Because this is how you get beef with me! Iβm dead serious mate!
Itβs been so long since I last got to see ya! You and ya family gotta come over for a barbecue this weekend!
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 12 2020
My mate has a fear of over-engineered buildings. He has a complex complex complex
He went to the psychiatrist and he discovered it was more than just a fear. He has a complex complex complex complex
The Doctor sent him to a specialised centre.. It was the complex complex complex complex complex.
Unfortunately, it was an over-engineered building.
Yes, it was a complex complex complex complex complex complex.
π︎ 63
π
︎ May 10 2020
My mate Gav sadly passed away this morning. Doctors say it was severe heart burn.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Aug 10 2020
My mate was telling me that he failed his exam in Aboriginal music....
I said, βDidja redo it?β
π︎ 18
π
︎ Jul 07 2020
I was talking to my mate earlier...
when I thought to myself "why the fuck are you called Earlier?"
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jul 27 2020
Why canβt Harry Potter tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate?
π︎ 317
π
︎ Nov 01 2020
Harry Potter can't tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Nov 17 2020
Harry Potter can't tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
π︎ 458
π
︎ Nov 25 2019
Harry Potter can't tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Nov 16 2018
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