He had a vicious right hook.
"I haven't had a fair match since Superman died"
The most dad-thing I've heard him say in a long time. Made me proud
The grape. He was the only one who went raisin.
As fowl play was to be expected.
Because they already lost two towers.
He got tentacles.
All they were throwing were high jabs.
Set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life
He burned his ear
“...don’t go with anything.”
My dad never makes “dad jokes” but, he actually said this yesterday and I’m so proud.
His name was Sir Render.
I think it was the other guy’s martial farts.
You light up my world
but a whole box to start a campfire?
Find out after the break
He’s been undie-feeted ever since.
The Rock is my opponent.
The score is currently One Love
They were strike anywhere.
Until knight fall.
It produces a greenish flame and it looks really cool while I'm lighting up my cigarette.
because all the fans had left.
It's a bout time.
Light a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life
A tooth pic
I told them “I hope this doesn’t turn out like Rigor Mortis of an Australian friend.”
“I hope this isn’t a stale mate.”
Yeah they were both in grave danger.
The chess player had a mean right rook!
and the remaining letters are "DEN" and "MARK"
Until knight fall...
I just have to look up to him, you know.
Because when you strike it, you're just firing it up.
He strikes again!
The other six are the Zeroes.
Fraternal twin sheets
As a Boy Scout, we would camp a lot and go on hikes.
One night, we had to do a night hike, alone, for a merit badge. I had left the campsite about an hour earlier and a terrible storm rolled in. The sky opened up and the ground was quickly saturated. I tried to continue my hike for another few minutes, but it got cold and I was chilled and soaked to the bone, so I decided to try to head back to camp.
Lightning was starting to crackle above me, so I thought I should try to take a shortcut to make my hike back quicker. I pulled out my compass and found my direction, but the rain made it impossible to see more than five feet in front of me.
I was looking down at my compass, not paying any attention to where I was going, and suddenly felt weightless. The feeling didn't last long as I thumped down on slippery earth a second later.
I had fallen onto a ledge on the side of a rather steep cliff, the bottom of which was at least fifty feet down.
I sat there, contemplating on how to ge... keep reading on reddit ➡
What a waist of paper.
Square root. ¤~¤
that fire got out of hand
Me: " Now i have a beard but, i don't know if i'm liking it. "
Her: " Don't worry it'll grow on ya. "
I walked right into that one.
Did you hear about the Chess Grandmaster who, after he lost a match, destroyed the table with a massive hammer and called lightning bolts down to destroy his opponent's car?
He was banned from future competitions for being such a Thor loser.
There was no racquet.
He needed an ambu-Lance.
Wife and I were at a buffet yesterday and we got to the booth with salad and fruit.
I headed straight for my favorite fruit and said "Don't mind if I honey-dooo."
She looks straight at me and says "Honey...don't" and walks off.
Jokes on her though, cause I had lots of honeydew and it was delicious.
She's a keeper.
At the game today and my team are playing against Sheffield Wednesday and the fans are chanting "WEDNESDAY! WEDNESDAY!" and some bloke near me yells "It's Saturday!"
Dear oh dear.
I'm gonna make you go through the story before the payoff.
My mom asked me, "Do you have a match?" and then answered herself, "Yeah, your breath and my feet!" I looked at her quizzically and she explained that my dad used to say that when they were dating - either that or "Not since Superman." He used to say that there were "no new jokes, just new audiences."
So when my dad walks in, my mom asks him if he has a match.
What does he say?
"Not since Superman."
As Mom and I are cracking up, he says, "Well, I could have said 'your breath and my feet!'"
Mom tells him that she was telling me about how he used to say that to her, and what does he say?
"Well, you know, there are no new jokes. Just new audiences."
My dad's jokes are like a stopped clock. Infuriating, but at least you can count on them to never change.
The question was: "This t-shirt fad is getting out of hand. I saw a woman wearing a t-shirt with the map of Italy on it. She had the biggest BLANK I every saw!"
Most popular answer was "Meatballs". Writers must have been cringing...
Not one of them said: "Naples"
I wonder if the other team is ever Ghana score.
That Costa them a goal!
Set the man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
Until Knight fall.
A tooth pic