My wife told me I’ve grown as a person

Her actual word were β€œyou’ve gotten fat”, but I know what she meant.

πŸ‘︎ 985
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/serialcompliment
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20
🚨︎ report
What award should the person get who invented knock knock jokes?

The no-bell prize

πŸ‘︎ 383
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/makunahatata27
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14
🚨︎ report
A person was arrested at the special Olympics.

The person was unarmed.

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrVegano
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10
🚨︎ report
Warning...."To the person who stole my glasses....."

"I'll find you....I have contacts."

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11
🚨︎ report
Person to my dad β€œHow long have you been married?”

Dad: β€œ10 of the happiest years of my life”

(They’ve been married 43 years)

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20
🚨︎ report
To the person who stole my spectacles. I will find you.

I have contacts.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OliPark
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a person who can't hear?

You can call him anything cause he won't able to hear you.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HussainKegel
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02
🚨︎ report
Kinder Person Award goes to...
πŸ‘︎ 135
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_nikhil_anil_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?

A quarterback.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Vettel
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Having sex with a deaf person is like assassinating someone

They won't hear you cumming

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/qarasaq
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12
🚨︎ report
What does a person who fakes injuries like to drink?

Champagne!

πŸ‘︎ 304
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Boofaka
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Elon Musk is now the richest person on the planet

Space X has really taken off this past year

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Domundead
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
🚨︎ report
What do you call a person who thinks he or she has not earned enough money?

Income-plete.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14
🚨︎ report
As an immune deficient person, anti vaxxers make me sick
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lt_Matthew
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
What do you call a person with one eye that's sad all the time?

A sighclops.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
THERE ISN'T A SINGLE PERSON ALIVE TODAY WHO IS

Married

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/oakvard
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13
🚨︎ report
If a male person bursts into laughter...

... can he then be accused of manslaughter?

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Blan_Uator
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
🚨︎ report
What do you call a person who eats other people slowly?

A cannibble.

πŸ‘︎ 262
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a smart gay person?

Homogeneous

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/igottabluecoat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
When a short person waves at you, it's called....

....a microwave.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/XIIXOO
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10
🚨︎ report
Every person you have ever met..

Started off in-human.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jgpitre
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Person 1: β€œWill you follow me?”

Person 2: β€œNo I’m gonna follow sleep.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PenguinMan3188
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
The person who invented Russian roulette

Had a mind blowing idea

πŸ‘︎ 92
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Schrodingers_liar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the person who watched too many Shrek movies?

He ogre-dosed

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mykeuk
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a person with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vamplestat666
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a dead person do to lose weight?

He goes on a DIE-et!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08
🚨︎ report
What does a person who is turned on by tall buildings have?

An edifice complex.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Big_Toe_Bro
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02
🚨︎ report
What do you call a little person psychic on the run from the cops?

A small medium at large

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Spaceman-Mars
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
For my birthday in mid-January, I invited a few friends over to a highly populated urban residential area consisting mostly of closely packed, decrepit housing units inhabited primarily by impoverished persons.

It's my first slum-brrrr party so wish us luck!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11
🚨︎ report
What does a person with Covid like to drink?

Coughy

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Arr_jay816
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Person in front of me ordering coffee asked "can I have a large house?"

And I said "not without a large mortgage"

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dad_2_the_bone
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when a British person takes a good long look at something?

A propaganda

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nshah0703
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife and I are finally fulfilling my lifelong dream of visiting The Golden Gate in person.

She said, β€œWhat would you do when you finally see it?”

I said, β€œI’ll cross the bridge when I get there.”

πŸ‘︎ 110
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call an agnostic person during the Christmas season?

An eggnogstic

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/trillerzap136
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
According to ancient Japanese lore, the colour of a person’s aura changes when they die.

Cyan-aura.

πŸ‘︎ 153
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you say to the person getting breast reduction procedure?

I hope it takes the weight off your chest.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/srkash
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
When a short person waves at you, what do you call it?

A microwave.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/eidkachaand
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a person who can't stop stealing kitchen supplies?

A whisk taker

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to be a people's person..

...but people ruined it for me.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What is an Italian person's favorite kind of dog?

Chow..

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bishop825
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
If someone yawns on tv and yawning is contagious, that person has a chance of being a superspreader and causing a short yawndemic 🐸

Ever thought about that?

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HMK360
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a lazy person that’s stoned?

A baked potato.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatOneBassGuy17
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
A person who crushes can for a living is always sad

Because his job is Soda pressing

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/its_boogeyman
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a person who is happy on Mondays?

Unemployed

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/farrukhsshah
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a deaf person ?

You don't

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/its_boogeyman
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I wanted to tell a joke about a dumb person who ran

But that'd just be random

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RamSamG
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a French person call Marijuana?

Oui'd

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OstracisedWitch
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a person who eats other people slowly?

A cannibble

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fractiousrhubarb
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report

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