The power outage at the zoo’s primate exhibit was caused by a stereo.

Someone used it to play Rage Against The Machine. Lights out, gorilla radio.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thx_tex
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02
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What type of primates love to watch slasher movies?

Gore-rillas

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_Turntable
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21
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Pensive primate
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ostrantula
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
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Chaos, subterfuge, and conflict ensued as a giant primate chased everyone off the pier, declaring it his own and invoking his title.

Gorilla wharf heir.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeromocles
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
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What do you get if you cross a primate with a dessert?

A Meringutan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Datolite7
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2020
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A new study is showing surprising advances in primate evolution: Dr. Thomas Ink, a researcher in southern Africa has found certain groups of apes 'brewing' alcohol by leaving old fruit to stand in water pools then drinking from it and becoming inebriated.

Dr. Ink has dubbed these 'Monkey Bars'.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pparten
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
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Hear they had a radioactive spill at the primate lab?

They've now got fission chimps.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2019
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In 1925, the courts ruled on whether primates can use mouthwash.

It was during the Scope monkey trial.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wmyspr
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2019
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Did you hear about the disaster at the zoo over in the primate enclosure...

It was a real lemur-gency.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eltodd
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2017
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Some people don't believe in evolution.

They're primate change deniers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boredboi69WR
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20
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So there was this zookeeper...

(This probably makes more sense if you're British.)

Doing his rounds one day and when he got to the bird enclosure he noticed a load of the birds had died. Unsure as to what he should do with the bodies he tossed them into the big cat exhibit.

The next day he was cleaning out the primates and noticed the lifeless figure of an ape laying on the floor... not wanting to perform a proper burial and besides- he wasn't earning much more than minimum wage anyway so he tossed it into the big cat enclosure.

On his third day the zookeeper came across his colleague who kept bees, it seems they'd got sick and a lot of the hive had perished. Not to worry, the zookeeper scooped them onto a shovel and tossed them into the big cat exhibit. It's the circle of life he thought to himself.

The next day there was a lot of excitement in the zoo. A new lioness had arrived. The lioness stalked out of the trailer...sniffed at the unfamiliar lion next to her...

"So, what's the food like in this place then?" She asked awkwardly.

"It's actually not that bad" replied the lion. "Over the past few days we've had Finch, chimps and mushy bees"

Badum tssss! Β―_(ツ)_/Β―

Yeah, for any non brits that read all that: Fish, chips and mushy peas is a classic English dish. So...yeah...that's the joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FananaBartman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04
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Why can’t dinosaurs clap?

They’re dead.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kloodge
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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I get free shipping on all of my monkeys....

Through Amazon Primate!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sjdiver2001
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
🚨︎ report
Where do monkeys get their movies ?

primate bay

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2018
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Pad your repertoire with these
  1. ARBITRAITOR A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's
  2. BERNADETTE The act of torching a mortgage.
  3. BURGLARIZE What a crook sees through
  4. AVOIDABLE What a bullfighter tries to do
  5. EYEDROPPER Clumsy ophthalmologist
  6. CONTROL A short, ugly inmate.
  7. COUNTERFEITER Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
  8. ECLIPSE What an English barber does for a living.
  9. LEFT BANK What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.
  10. HEROES What a man in a boat does
  11. PARASITES What you see from the Eiffel Tower
  12. PARADOX Two physicians
  13. PHARMACIST A helper on a farm
  14. POLARIZE What penguins see through
  15. PRIMATE Remove your spouse from in front of TV
  16. RELIEF What trees do in the spring
  17. RUBERNECK What you do to relax your wife
  18. SELFISH What the owner of a seafood store does
  19. SUDAFED Brought litigation against a government official
  20. PARADIGMS 20 cents
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πŸ‘€︎ u/David_Crockett
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2014
🚨︎ report
What do you call south american apes that get quickly delivered packages?

amazon primates

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aparks1437
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2018
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How can you get free shipping for imported Brazilian monkeys? [OC]

Subscribe to Amazon Primate.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nrith
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2018
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Dad joke at the zoo.

I was at the zoo with my girlfriend and we went to the primates area last. When we got there, they had already put the gorillas up and there was a zookeeper in the open-air habitat cleaning it up. I turned to my girlfriend and said, "why is that gorilla wearing clothes?" My girlfriend groaned and the zookeeper shot me the dirtiest look I've ever received in my life.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FilthyMcnasty87
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2014
🚨︎ report
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes OST
  1. "Level Plaguing Field"
  2. "Look Who’s Stalking"
  3. "The Great Ape Processional"
  4. "Past Their Primates"
  5. "Close Encounters of the Furred Kind"
  6. "Monkey to the City"
  7. "The Lost City of Chimpanzee"
  8. "Along Simian Lines"
  9. "Caesar No Evil, Hear No Evil"
  10. "Monkey See, Monkey Coup"
  11. "Gorilla Warfare" 7:37
  12. "The Apes of Wrath"
  13. "Gibbon Take"
  14. "Aped Crusaders"
  15. "How Bonobo Can You Go"
  16. "Enough Monkeying Around"
  17. "Primates for Life"
  18. "Planet of the End Credits"
  19. "Ain’t That a Stinger"
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πŸ‘€︎ u/walruspowers
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad just e-mailed me a list of definitions:
  1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds

  2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do

  3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage

  4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with

  5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate

  6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

  7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living

  8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist

  9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does

  10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money

  11. MISTY: How golfers create divots

  12. PARADOX: Two physicians

  13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

  14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm

  15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with

  16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV

  17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring

  18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife

  19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does

  20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SnideRemarkDept
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2013
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