I told my friend I was going to rob a toy store for some board games
He said I could go to jail for it. I said it was a Risk worth taking
It’s a sad day but my kitchenaid mixer motor has finally died. I couldn’t whisk for a batter friend.
Painted a Christmas card for a friend who hates puns....
So I’m at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still don’t know because he hasn’t opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
‘Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’
👻👻💀💀☠️☠️ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
My friend wagered that I didn't know another word for aiding in a wrongdoing...
Did this painting for my friend (far right) who is a huge Pittsburgh steelers fan. His favorite player is Troy Polamalu... And he likes puns. That's me in the middle.l in my favorite jumper. Thoughts???
reddit.com/gallery/kkbp9y
My friend and I were talking about another friend who became a preacher when he suddenly showed up seeking advice for his sermon...
I said, "well, speak of the devil!"
I grilled up some fish for dinner for a friend one time, they told me they didn't eat seafood.
I told them it was fine, because I caught the fish in a lake.
Wanted a unique name for our new pet dog and asked a friend for ideas. His answer?
One of my friends told me he was opening a clothing store that sold everything except for hats.
I thought he was pulling my leg, but when I asked him, he told me "Yeah man it's true, no cap."
A friend of mine needs skin grafts for surgery, but thankfully, he doesn't need donors.
That's no skin off of my nose!
I'm trying to convince my friend that being a fraudster isn't for him. I went over to his house the other day and he was putting canned meat in envelopes.
Apparently he was sending a bunch of Spam Mail.
For my birthday in mid-January, I invited a few friends over to a highly populated urban residential area consisting mostly of closely packed, decrepit housing units inhabited primarily by impoverished persons.
It's my first slum-brrrr party so wish us luck!
My friend got me an action figure of a birdman with an abacus for Christmas
I didn’t really want it but it’s the Thoth that counts
For Xmas I bought my friend a gift voucher for the opticians.
Just a little something to help her see in the New Year.
My friend said that its impossible for a river to move through the desert.
I told him he was in deNile.
A man had a fetish for touching and hearing, one day his friend got mad and slapped and yelled at the man
He ended up coming to his senses
My friend and his girlfriend have been together for 5 years, but I have never heard either of them tell a joke.
They are in a very serious relationship.
My friend just hired a limo for $1000 but it didn't come with a driver.
Imagine spending all that money with nothing to chauffeur it!
A friend invited me to his house for a party
When I arrived, his house was on fire. Damn, the party must be lit.
I asked a friend for one reason I shouldn't murder my boss.
His answer was simple. There is no Netflix in prison.
My Mexican friend needed a bodysuit for her baby...
I bought a lamp for my friend
My friend used to clean house for a famous singer-guitar player, til he died in 2016. She then became a police investigator...
She dusted for Prince now she's dusting for prints.
My friend and I both wanted credit for a movie we made.
A friend of mine didn't pay for his daughter's exorcism
A dad meets his friend on the street. “Have you met my daughter Beth?” “No, what’s Beth short for?”
“I don’t know, most three year olds aren’t that tall.”
I wrote a card for my friend who just graduated high school and wants to study geology and/or paleontology in college. She also likes puns :)
A friend of mine is starting a new business... he thinks there's going to be a huge demand for cannabis-fed cattle.
I thought about investing, but the steaks are too high.
One time my friends really wanted me to join them for a fishing excursion. I didn't want to at first but eventually joined them...
I am afraid that I succumbed to pier pressure.
A friend asked me for a delicately infused hot drink.
So I gave him a subtlety.
When I go for a walk with my best friend, he can’t help but stop and pet every animal he sees. He just thinks they’re so adorable!
Here is a pun for all my bible reading friends
In an alternate universe, God sends popeye down to speak to moses. When Moses asks Popeye who he is, he responds
"I yam who yam"
My friend bought me a telekinetic abacus for my birthday.
It wasn't my favorite present, but it's the thought that counts.
My best friend has a good eye for dad jokes...
But the jokes couldn’t be any cornea.
My friend is a medical professional who does circumcisions for a living.
He doesn't get paid much, but at least he gets to keep all the tips.
My friend has peg on his short sleeve shirt for balancing small white balls on when he wants to whack them with a club...
He always wears his tee-shirt when golfing.
A friend of mine auditioned for The Sopranos...
Unfortunately, she was an alto and didn't make the cut.
My friend got me a prostitute for my birthday, but he didn't know I'm turned off by bad teeth.
I didn't check though because you don't look a gift whore in the mouth.
I’ve been wanting to go ice skating for a while. My friends bought me a pair of skates recently, but they broke on the first use!
If you ask me, they’re cheapskates.
I got friend zoned but being the gentleman that I am, I still have her a dozen roses for Valentine’s Day
I haven't heard from my italian friend for a while now
I'm starting to think he pasta away
A friend offered to sell me their TV for five bucks but said the volume dial was broken.
Had some friends over and they were telling me they are in the market for a new telescope...
I told them “ be carful telescope salesmen can see you coming a mile away!”
My friend and his girlfriend have been together for 5 years, and I’ve heard neither of them ever tell a joke.
They are in a very serious relationship.
My friend just hired a limo for a $1000 but it didn't come with a driver !
Imagine spending all that money and having nothing to chauffeur it
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