Missus Puns

Siri said "Yes it will rain, and don't call me Shirley". I think she forgot to take her phone off Airplane mode.

So I have been back to the charity shop to get all her clothes back!

That's the last time we are ever playing truth or dairy.

Well, three can play at that game.

Dad: They'll never take off.

I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.

I said “Well yes, but to be fair, it is a small bathroom”.

She said sometimes.

She looked surprised

I took a piece of paper, wrote "my puns" on it. I then tore it in half.

My puns are tearable.

I turned to her and asked, "Are you prepositioning me?"

Her: "I feel like some yoghurt!"

Me: "You don't look like yoghurt!"

Her: eye roll, shakes head sadly

I don’t know, but Alaska

I get back home from a month out field on ex in the Army and I take a shower with my missus. I then look at my face in the mirror after.

"I reckon I still have cam cream in and behind my ears" I say.

"I can't see any of it" says my wife.

"Of course you can't see it mate, it's cam cream" says I.

wife groans

I was making food, beating an egg with a fork and the missus said

"Add salt in the egg"

So I replied

"I'm already assaulting the egg"

My wife let out an audible groan and left me chuckling in the kitchen.

"Young lady, you need to pay attention. Get your head out of the cloud."

I'm not sure if it was intentional or not. I'm guessing not, given what I know about the Missus, it most likely wasn't.

Mississippi (Missus Hippie)

As the missus is plating up bacon and eggs for us all...

Me: "I'm so next to Austria right now"

*** quizzical looks ***

Me: "I'm Hungary!"

*** cue groans all' round ***

Me: *** laughs to self, satisfied ***

The missus asked me to grate some cheese for dinner tonight, I said to my son "you can do it, I'm sure you will have a grate time" The SO said "well that was abit cheesy, maybe you should be more mature and get grating"

I feel inferior now and have begun grating cheese :(

My wife and I were talking about some local company that services all of the South, except, we noticed, Mississippi.

Wife: they probably wouldn't make enough money in Mississippi anyway.

Me: hell, no one makes money in Mississippi (heehee Mississippi jokes)

Son: that's because it all goes to the Missus!

...

Son, you've made me proud today.

My wife is making lasagne and was about to put it into the oven.

Her (to my son): "Say goodbye to the lasagne overkill_jnr!"

Me: "Say Pasta la Vista"

This got a hi 5 from my boy and a dirty look from the missus.

Getting something from the linen closet next to the bathroom, overheard 13yo stepdaughter talking to the missus about some moisturiser or something, "This is so good!".

Stuck my head in and asked, "Made of soy milk, is it?".

Two second pause, missus says "Don't worry - it's just another stupid dad joke.", followed by a pair of groans and a hand towel thrown at my head as I disappear again.

Walking through the supermarket and talking with the missus about something or other, when she laid me an opportunity on a plate.

Her - "I'm just not gonna tell her. No need to deal with the hassle - the prevention is better than the cure."

Me - "Really? I've never heard them before. Any songs you'd recommend?"

It took a second for her to figure out what I meant, and I ended up with a kick up the arse for it, but it was worth it regardless.

Playing Diablo III with the missus.

Me: Man, I need more emeralds.
Her: If I could give you emeralds, I would give you lots of emeralds. I would give you so many emeralds, you could be Emerald Lagasse.
Me: ...
Her: BAM!

Me: What's the opposite of "Missus?" (Referring to the label he wrote to my mom)

Dad: A hit.

Long, but worth it. GF visits me at work, I sneak up behind her and pinch her butt. She jumps, turns and asks "Why do you always do that?!" Me: "What?" GF: "Misbehave?" Me: "Sounds like a naughty teacher." GF: "huh?" Me: "Miss Behave, she sounds like a naughty teacher." GF groans and slaps me on the shoulder as a Female Co-worker walks by. FC: "Dunno what you did, but I'm sure you deserved that." GF: (to FC) "He did." (To me) "Who's that?" Me: "Oh, that's Missus LeJoke" (cue cheesey grin :D) GF realizes what I said, rolls eyes, groans "oh jeesus", facepalms, and walks away chuckling.