We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."

"Stairs don't talk!"

πŸ‘︎ 19k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Hey sweetie I want a new knife for fathers day. I'd use this one..

But it just wont cut it.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Saosin713
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Me: Dad, Mum, I’m gay Dad: *clenches fists* Mum: Sweetie no do-

Dad: HI GAY, IM DAD!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MidoriMonki
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I was running late getting the kids ready this morning. We finally got downstairs and I yell for my daughter. "Oh no sweetie! Look at what happened! Who peed on the counter!?"

https://imgur.com/a/vYT7ZBx

She's 3. "Dad...that's...a pea. Not...pee."

"That's what I said. Pea!'

ΰ² ΰ²Ώ_ΰ² 

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/soomuchcoffee
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
🚨︎ report
"Sweetie the amount of food you left on your plate is just NUTS!"

http://i.imgur.com/12lCPIU.jpg

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thecolemanation
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2016
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a matterbaby?

What’s a matterbaby?

Nothing sweetie. What’s a matter with you?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Play2Win1776
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report
"Daddy, is my pony sick?"

"No sweetie, She's just a little horse."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A little girl turns to her mother and asks, "What is that rasta man cooking behind us?"

The mother turns around to look and says, "I don't know sweetie. What Jamaican?"

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/psyqqer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter just made her first inadvertent Dad joke...

Overheard this conversation while my wife was getting our daughter ready for bed:

Wife: Alright sweetie, time for bed Daughter: Ok, I'm so sleepy Wife: I am too Daughter: NO, I AM TWO!

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shade168
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Anyone out there any preference for their favorite island to visit..?

.. I've none atoll.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter tells me that she wants to live in a nice house with her friends when they all have stable jobs.

I said, β€œWell sweetie, that’s nice, but I just can’t see you and your friends shoveling manure for a living.”

To which she replied, β€œOh no? I thought you said that I could be president if I wanted to!”

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pippingigi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A knight was trying to woo several maidens he knew with some jokes...

He had different kinds of jokes for each maiden, as he knew they each had different types of humor. Margaret was first, and the knight stood before her and tried out a new knock knock joke. A boy watching nearby asked his mother, "why did he tell her a knock knock joke?" The mother replied, "well sweetie that's because her husband used to always tell them, so she appreciates them more." Next was Priscilla, and as the knight stood before her he tried out the joke the court jester told him. "Why did the knight use a court jester joke?" Asked the boy. "Well sweetie that's because Priscilla isnt very bright and she wouldnt understand most other jokes." Finally it was Dawn's turn. The knight began his joke but the mother quickly covered the boys ears. "Why did you do that?" Asked the boy. "Because you are too young for the humor the knight uses on her, and the knight is always darkest before Dawn."

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DeChadley
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Daddy, why do they call your leave a furlong?

Because sweety it's not furshort.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Adderalin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad, is this your milk?

No sweety. It's cows milk.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/toromio
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad what comes after fall?

Getting up sweetie.

My daughter didn’t get it right away, wife groaned.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/agronero1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
🚨︎ report
So this morning my wife told me 'Honey you're not completely useless....'

'You can always serve as a bad example!!'

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Doesnt get much Daddier than this

"knock,knock"
"who's there?"

"Its Chilly"
"Heeeeyyy sweetie, I'm sorry but we cant go to the beach today, Its Chilly outside."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/beavendetta
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
🚨︎ report
How I get my toddler to laugh every time she "gets hurt"

Me: omg sweetie, bring me my phone

Daughter: daddy, I said I got hurt (whimpering voice)

Me: im calling nine- waaaan-waaaan ...(pretends to hang up the phone)...the waaambumance is on the way

Daughter: there's no waaaan waaaan on your phone

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bvillebball31
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
🚨︎ report
My 4 year has surpassed me

Me: sweetie, you need to tell your friend no.

Daughter: no

Me: now tell her why

Daughter: why

Me: facepalm

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FrecklesofYore
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
🚨︎ report
**Dad:** Hey M, did you hear about that kidnapping? (my little sisters name is Emma, everyone calls her M for short)

My Little Sister: No! What happened?!

Dad: Dont worry, he woke up.

My Little Sister: ROLLS EYES

Me: Hahahahahaha! Nice.

My Little Sister: Omg! Is this funny?

Dad: No, THIS IS PATRICK! (We all really love SpongeBob SquarePants)

I GET UP TO GIVE MY DAD A HIGH FIVE AND HIS PHONE RINGS AS SOON AS I GET UP. IT'S MY MOM CALLING HIM FROM THE KITCHEN

Mom: Hi, I was wondering if I had the right number. Is this funny?

Dad: No! THIS IS PATRICK!

My Little Sister: Really?! You too Mom?!

Mom: No, I'm 49 sweetie.

My Little Sister: Nevermind! I'm watching, "Black Mirror," in my room by myself.

Dad: Sweetie, African American, don't just call them Black. That's not nice.

My Little Sister: ............. I hate you all.

  • I know this isn't necessarily a,"Dad Joke." It's more of a conversation my Dad and Little Sister had. But it was seriously one of the funniest moments I've ever seen.

  • I really love my family. Lol

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2018
🚨︎ report
Proud dad moment

My 5 y/o daughter said to me β€œdaddy can I have some water from your water bottle because I’m thirsty.”

Me: of course sweetie

4 y/o son from the other room, β€œnice to meet you Thirsty, I’m Grady!”

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PineappleBum
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
🚨︎ report
One night, a beekeeper was chilling on his couch with some booze.

"Honey, pass me another can of beer!", the beekeeper bellowed.

His wife went to check the fridge for beer but alas, there was none left.

"Dear, our supplies have run dry!"

The beekeeper then replied, "Sweetie, please pass me the honey can."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CrayCon
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I excitedly showed my mother my test, which had a big, red, A+ on it.

β€œSweetie, this is a blood test.”

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ohsopoor
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
🚨︎ report
4 year old daughter came over to me with her shoes in her hands and said "Daddy, can you put these on?..."

Like any good dad, I said "Of course I can sweety" before stuffing my toes into them.

After she said "NOOOOOOO DAAAAAADDY! On my feet!" I said "well why didn't you say so in the first place?"

[Helped her stuff her feet in]

"Daddy" she asked, "Can you pull on the tongue?"

......ike dthis?

πŸ‘︎ 877
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/robinson217
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad is it foggy outside?

Not sure sweety, can’t really see much outside.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chanderjeet
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
🚨︎ report
My sons H (5) and L (3) wake up yesterday morning...

L: Daddy? Me: Yes, sweety L: I, hungry H, without missing a beat: Hi hungry, I'm H!

I've never been prouder.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Banksy0726
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
🚨︎ report
My 4 year old: "Daddy, are you chewing gum?"

"Of course not, sweetie, I'm a human being."

πŸ‘︎ 248
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NotActuallyMyName
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2015
🚨︎ report
A post on awww reminded me of one I got my kid with a few years ago.

So my daughter used to be a Dora the explorer fanatic. Loved everything Dora.. So we bought her a kickball with Dora on it.

Thats important to the joke, trust me.

So, we were out in the garage, kicking the ball back and forth, and my daughter saw one of our dogs doing something cute, as dogs are wont to do.

"Daddy! Look! That's adorable!"

I grabbed the ball and said "no, sweetie, thats cute, THIS is a Dora ball!"

Eyeroll from her, and the wife choked on her drink. :)

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Banished to the couch for having soul

As stated my wife banished me to the couch for this.

She had a late start at work today, so she did some work around the house, including hanging the wreath.

After picking her up from work that evening we got home and she asked me if I liked the wreath. I responded with "the Franklin? It looks good".

She wasn't happy about that, and kept insisting I call it a wreath. Our friends all came over for D&D and I continued to interject whenever she showed someone that it was called "A Franklin".

Eventually she got really mad and demanded to know why I wouldn't call it a wreath. So I hugged her and said "I'm sorry sweetie, I didn't know it was so important to you. I mean, A-Wreath, A-Franklin, what's the difference?".

So yeah, sleeping on the couch.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Azuya
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2016
🚨︎ report
At a moment of exasperation

I have twins that each have a stuffed fox they love. I find one on my couch cushion and pick it up before sitting down after a rough day.

Kid 1: "papa, can I have that fox?"
Me: "sure, sweetie"
Kid 2: "can I have a fox too?"
Me: "sorry, peanut, I'm all out of fox to give"

edit: formatting.

πŸ‘︎ 61
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/0x6d1e
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2014
🚨︎ report
My husband still loves me...even after one of my worst ones...

We were driving to a friend's house for "game day". We live in Phoenix...we have flora that doesn't like living..because..it is Phoenix.As we were driving, we passed a huge palm tree on its last root (leg) of life in the median of the road. It is literally being held up by a few 2x4's. I look at my husband with the saddest look I can muster before I say "Babe, did you see that poor palm?". Husband says, "Oh yea, that big, dead-looking ones with the boards?". I respond, "Yea, sweetie, we should say a prayer. The poor thing is on LEAF support". He was not amused...I, however, giggle every other Saturday when we pass the tree to game day. Also, please don't worry about the tree. Now that Phoenix has made it through a hot summer, I bet after winter it will just spring back to life...assuming it doesn't fall. Lastly, sorry I'm not a dad or no actually dad said it...but I was channeling that inner dad when it happened! If I need to move this post it is okay!

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sh2nn0n
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2014
🚨︎ report
My four year old got my wife today...

My wife was on hold with the office of the local newspaper when my four year old started asking for something.

Wife: Hang on sweetie, I'm on the phone with the newspaper. Daughter: But newspapers can't talk, mommy!

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2016
🚨︎ report
Daughter: "Are there hurricanes on Lake Superior?"

Me: "No sweetie, those are called BRRR-icanes"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Wheresthespoonaha
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2017
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend out-joked me the other day

So the other day I heard a great joke that I decided to share with my girlfriend. I sent her this: "What is an australians favorite metal?" She answered that she didn't know, but knowing me it'd be something absurdly stupid.

Now would be a good time to tell that in my native language "gold" is a cute nickname you call your SO, kinda like "honey" in English.

When I answered "Gold", she replied almost instantly "Yes sweetie?"

I'm so proud of her.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Got_walked_in_on
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2015
🚨︎ report
My friend's 3y/o daughter wanted to wright a letter to Santa...

Daughter: Mom, I want to wright a letter to Santa Mom: Okay sweetie, I'll help you. What do you want your letter to say? Daughter: B.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hestoelena
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2015
🚨︎ report
"Would you rather eat 100 bricks or a matter baby?"

"What's a matter baby?"

"Nothing, I'm fine sweetie. How are you?"

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DoubleUTeeEfff
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2016
🚨︎ report
Mom said "I'm running to the store."

Dad: Don't run sweetie, take the car.

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/calj
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2013
🚨︎ report
A husband goes home from work... (xpost r/Jokes)

...to find his house with the lights dimmed down and candles surrounding the bed in the bedroom. He finds his wife there, laying abroad with sexy panties and a pink bra, and her bangs covering her left eye. She smiles. "Tonight," she says. "Is going to be the sexiest and most passionate night of your life, sweetie." The husband smiles as his wife gets up and unties his tie for him, and unbuckles his pants. He can't wait. "Lets try role playing." she says. "I'll be your slutty little daughter, and you'll be my father who needs to teach me... discipline..." He grins widely, liking where this is going. His wife grabs him and pulls him down to the bed. She whispers in his ear. "I'm so horny..." The husband enjoys this and decides to follow along with the role playing. He then whispers back in her ear. "Hi, horny. I'm dad."

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PatyMac
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2014
🚨︎ report
Every time we go to a restaurant...

Waitress: What would you like to drink sir? Dad: Sweet tea please Waitress: Sweet tea? Sure! (Waitress walks away) (Dad leans in and gets really serious) Dad: Did she just call me 'sweetie'? (Family groans)

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MidnightEagle11
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2014
🚨︎ report
This one happened last night while i was visiting for dinner, I knew it had to go here.

I just subscribed to dadjokes and I absolutely love it. Probably because i have the same sense of humor. Anyway here is what happened last night as I was home visiting for dinner.

My mom has spent all day preparing a glorious meal of shredded barbeque chicken, spanish rice, and corn bread (the kind of home cooked meal you just don't get in college). One of my moms absolute favorite things is cornbread and honey. so while we were sitting at the table waiting for her to get her plate she set my dad up for his moment of glory. "Is my honey on the table already?" I saw the look in his eyes he knew he had her! "No sweety I'm in my chair. I haven't had enough to drink to get on the table yet!" I laughed high fived my dad while my mom and my sister rolled their eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ferntuckydylan333
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2013
🚨︎ report
At the pool when...

As a kid, I was playing at the pool with my family when I threw a dolphin toy and accidentally hit my little sister square in the forehead.

She started crying and as my dad rushed over to her, he yelled, "It's okay sweetie, he didn't do it on porpoise!"

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/viklas122
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2013
🚨︎ report
Batman Villain

This was overheard while checking out at our grocery store.

Dad is walking with his young daughter and the mother, who is pregnant, is returning from the restroom.

"Look sweety, your mom is a batman super villain. The waddler."

I did not get a chance to shake his hand.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LandotheMando
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2015
🚨︎ report
We went to the zoo yesterday

Sister: Dad can we get an otter? Dad: Sorry sweetie, the otters have to stay on the otter side of that glass.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Empanser
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2014
🚨︎ report
My sister couldn't get into her bank account online

"Dad, I can't log into my bank account on here."

"Did you type your password in correctly?"

"Uh, duh."

"That's your problem, try typing it in right next time, sweetie."

groan "Oh my god..."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xgobez
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2014
🚨︎ report
Finally used my father's favorite dad joke today

Earlier my pals and I wanted to have a heart attack for lunch so we go out and pick up some sonic

My buddy orders a blue raspberry freez-e and the server ask:

"Do you want nerds on that sweetie"

without hesitation "Will we have to raise them and feed them daily? "

moans and groans And all we hear over the speaker is" I'm so done with this fucking job"

"I'm sorry did I give you guys chills?

I'm still laughing about this, edit is for formatting I'm on mobile

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ResetsPls
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2014
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.