Dear Puns

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"

"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."

"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

No eye dear

What do you call a dear with no eyes or legs

Still no eye dear

What do you call a dear with no eyes or legs cut in half

Still half no eye dear

The Opportunist.

I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.

I present you, the grief-case

Honking the horn won't make me text any faster.

Because it is

How do you expect me to lose weight, when all the pills you prescribe me, must be taken with food?

Get outta my face.

Hearing this, a little girl leans over to her mother and loudly asks: "Mommy, what is butt dust?"

She has obviously moved on already, and you should, too

Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:

“Well, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer...”

pauses for effect

“...I guess I let it go to my head.”

Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...I’ll be making matching gifts to St. Jude’s or a similar organization).

Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another ‘incurable’ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...

But his Net income always put me off.

Your sex change operation was a partial success.

What Does Shebrew?

“Don’t look down!” said my friend above me.

So I started smiling.

You will be mist.

which is why she lost her job as a cardiac surgeon.

I will find you. You have my Word.

Thanks for nothing

She says "Go ahead".
He says "Plethora".
She thinks for a second, looks down and replies "Thank you. That means a lot".

She said "thank you, that means a lot"

I'm getting real tired of your shirt.

(Change to "of you messing up my tests" for a more wholesome dad like joke ?)

and after a second, "For a moment there I thought it was the horse."

My therapist: Yes, I see that. Stop calling me Diary.

We'll be in touch soon.

Don't teach me how to bring up my children. I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.

No Idea

Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:

“Well, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer...”

pauses for effect

“...I guess I let it go to my head.”

Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...I’ll be making matching gifts to St. Jude’s or a similar organization).

Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another ‘incurable’ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...

No eye-dear.

What do you call a dear with no eyes and legs?

Still no eye-dear.

Still No Idea

I have no eye deer