I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death
The police are treating it as a hummuside
A woman was on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection
the judge says: "First offender" The woman replies: "No, first a Gibson, the a Fender"
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
Our first single is "Bread or Alive."
I know it's too soon and still very controversial, but it's likely that the rioters may have the death penalty.
It was, after all, a Capitol offense.
What’s it called when you tickle a man to death by accident?
When the White Death loaded his rifle...
The Russians were Finnished
Some consider owls to be symbols of death.
A man is found dead in the desert. Cause of death appeared to be dehydration. The police go to his mother's house.
Maths is fun. It teaches you life and death info...
Like, when you're freezing, go and stand in a corner. It's 90 degrees there.
Did you hear about the guy who went into the Everglades, found this huge sea-cow thing and beat it to death with the oar of his boat?
They're prosecuting him for crimes against a manatee.
Where do cats go after death?
Breaking: LEGO man gets squashed to death.
Sad to report the death of the founder of Dulux paint. He died this morning from hypothermia on top of a mountain.
It's been reported he could have done with another coat.
Death came for my soul today
Thank god I was in the living room when he came
Best and worst death ? /!\ dark humor
« What is the best death according to you ?
-
I think the best way to go is to die like my grandfather... he fell asleep and never woke up.
-
Dying in your sleep is indeed said to be the best way to go. So what do you consider the worst way to die ?
-
Like my grandfather’s friends.
-Why ? How did they die ?
-They were in the car when Grandpa fell asleep. »
I heard people are blaming imaginary evil spirits for Micheal Jackson's death.
Guess they're blaming it on the boogie.
A report just came out exposing how the government's mishandling of an explosive object could've caused the deaths of hundreds of civilians
Once, I agreed to help Death move his couch to his new place.
After we got there, I realized I forgot those things you’re supposed to sit on. There were reaper cushions.
[OC] death goes grocery shopping
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight
Unless you’re prepared to handle the reaper cushions
A man in a drug trial died from a complication which dissolved his pneumogastric nerve, the coroner listed the cause of death as...
Did you hear the sad news about the free-solo rock climber that fell to his death?
It’s a real shame because he was such a down-to-earth guy.
On my death bed I’l request to be moved to a tub full of pees just before I die so people can say ‘may he rest in pees’
Behind the death of the the Bishop
What did Kim Jong Un say on his death bed?
Gavin always said his crippling heartburn would be the death of him. I still can't believe
Two cowboys walking through the plains, no food or water, death imminent. When through hazy vision one of them spies a tree, covered in bacon by an oasis of pure clean. One cowboy hide behind a rock, as his confused friend runs to the tree... only to be gunned down by some bandits.
The second cowboy is relieved to be alive, and thankful that he knew that that was no bacon tree.
It was a ham bush
Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight...
Unless you’re prepared to deal with the Reaper cushions.
stolen from r/jokes. Credit to
u/shopcounterwill. I don’t know how to link or tag stuff on Reddit
Edit: apparently I do. Haha
What did Death begrudgingly tell Jesus before his resurrection?
"Oh, get out of my scythe!"
Two Ninjas are in a cage match to the death. Which team throws in the towel first?
What do you call a spelling bee to the death?
...But it died a death and got zero upvotes !!
Came here before to post a time travel joke...
Edit : Apologies in advance if you're reading this as a repost from tomorrow
What's an Agatha Christie novel and Death in Paradise crossover special called?
Poirots of the Caribbean.
What do you call a death sentence gone wrong?
Good concept, bad execution.
A man was beaten to death with a tree branch
It seems he wasn't very poplar, and is now deciduously less alive. If he returns from the dead, he'll definitely be pining for revenge.
Did you hear about the two cows who fought to the death?
It was crazy, their lives were at steak
Never start a pillow fight with Death...
...unless you're sure you can handle the Reaper cushions.
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight
Unless you are prepared to face the reaper cushions.
If you get into a pillow fight with death...
Be prepared for the reaper cushions.
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