I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death

The police are treating it as a hummuside

πŸ‘︎ 155
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shopcounterwill
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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A woman was on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection

the judge says: "First offender" The woman replies: "No, first a Gibson, the a Fender"

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hud_is_on
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease

We're called "Gluten for Punishment."

Our first single is "Bread or Alive."

πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scrranger11
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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I know it's too soon and still very controversial, but it's likely that the rioters may have the death penalty.

It was, after all, a Capitol offense.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/roguebuckeye
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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What’s it called when you tickle a man to death by accident?

Manslaughter

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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When the White Death loaded his rifle...

The Russians were Finnished

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrLazyTiger
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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A Brush with Death
πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/butlerbert23
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
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Some consider owls to be symbols of death.

Especially mice.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlamboyantFlower
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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A man is found dead in the desert. Cause of death appeared to be dehydration. The police go to his mother's house.

"Ma'am you son dried "

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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Maths is fun. It teaches you life and death info...

Like, when you're freezing, go and stand in a corner. It's 90 degrees there.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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Did you hear about the guy who went into the Everglades, found this huge sea-cow thing and beat it to death with the oar of his boat?

They're prosecuting him for crimes against a manatee.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fitz_cuniculus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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Where do cats go after death?

To the purrgatory.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudecancode
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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Breaking: LEGO man gets squashed to death.
πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ggfchl
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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Sad to report the death of the founder of Dulux paint. He died this morning from hypothermia on top of a mountain.

It's been reported he could have done with another coat.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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Death came for my soul today

Thank god I was in the living room when he came

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kennycrab12
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
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Best and worst death ? /!\ dark humor

« What is the best death according to you ?

  • I think the best way to go is to die like my grandfather... he fell asleep and never woke up.

  • Dying in your sleep is indeed said to be the best way to go. So what do you consider the worst way to die ?

  • Like my grandfather’s friends.

-Why ? How did they die ?

-They were in the car when Grandpa fell asleep.Β Β»

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheTinou
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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I heard people are blaming imaginary evil spirits for Micheal Jackson's death.

Guess they're blaming it on the boogie.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aniketraghav7
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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A report just came out exposing how the government's mishandling of an explosive object could've caused the deaths of hundreds of civilians

It was a bombshell

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MRTJ115
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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Once, I agreed to help Death move his couch to his new place.

After we got there, I realized I forgot those things you’re supposed to sit on. There were reaper cushions.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ghostwriter623
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
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[OC] death goes grocery shopping
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fyahspreadit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight

Unless you’re prepared to handle the reaper cushions

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scottspears89
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
A man in a drug trial died from a complication which dissolved his pneumogastric nerve, the coroner listed the cause of death as...

"in vivo lost vagus"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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Did you hear the sad news about the free-solo rock climber that fell to his death?

It’s a real shame because he was such a down-to-earth guy.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikebailey1979
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
On my death bed I’l request to be moved to a tub full of pees just before I die so people can say β€˜may he rest in pees’
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AMswag123
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Behind the death of the the Bishop
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RogueDisciple
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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What did Kim Jong Un say on his death bed?

My Korea is over

πŸ‘︎ 310
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fredvanvleetsr
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
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Gavin always said his crippling heartburn would be the death of him. I still can't believe

Gaviscon

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sincers21
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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Two cowboys walking through the plains, no food or water, death imminent. When through hazy vision one of them spies a tree, covered in bacon by an oasis of pure clean. One cowboy hide behind a rock, as his confused friend runs to the tree... only to be gunned down by some bandits.

The second cowboy is relieved to be alive, and thankful that he knew that that was no bacon tree.

It was a ham bush

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MafiaCub
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight...

Unless you’re prepared to deal with the Reaper cushions.

stolen from r/jokes. Credit to u/shopcounterwill. I don’t know how to link or tag stuff on Reddit

Edit: apparently I do. Haha

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timmorris82
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What did Death begrudgingly tell Jesus before his resurrection?

"Oh, get out of my scythe!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rubbergnome
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Two Ninjas are in a cage match to the death. Which team throws in the towel first?

Nunchucks.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MKUltraSonic
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Till death do us rock
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tarlungs1104666
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a spelling bee to the death?

Spellpuku

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alexdaboss2003
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Jiraya's death was pain
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jdramanuj
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
🚨︎ report
TIL: Death do us part
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pzykozomatik
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
...But it died a death and got zero upvotes !!

Came here before to post a time travel joke...

Edit : Apologies in advance if you're reading this as a repost from tomorrow

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What's an Agatha Christie novel and Death in Paradise crossover special called?

Poirots of the Caribbean.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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What do you call a death sentence gone wrong?

Good concept, bad execution.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElephantsAreHuge
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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A man was beaten to death with a tree branch

It seems he wasn't very poplar, and is now deciduously less alive. If he returns from the dead, he'll definitely be pining for revenge.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hello_Hurricane
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the two cows who fought to the death?

It was crazy, their lives were at steak

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
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Never start a pillow fight with Death...

...unless you're sure you can handle the Reaper cushions.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight

Unless you are prepared to face the reaper cushions.

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theswarthyknight
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
If you get into a pillow fight with death...

Be prepared for the reaper cushions.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToothSleuth86
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2020
🚨︎ report

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