Did you hear about the farmer that just got sentenced for killing his neighbors cow?

After a quick investigation, the Prosecutor was able to turn it into a brief case.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skycooper11
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
If killing a man is homicide

is killing a friend homiecide

πŸ‘︎ 243
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πŸ‘€︎ u/k1ll1ngtime
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Train derails in New Mexico, killing 23 people

It must have had a locomotive.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MisterFluffkins
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2021
🚨︎ report
This subreddit is killing me slowly

I have a coworker who at the end of the day everyday slowly reads off Dad jokes, mostly from here because theres new ones so often and because he knows it drives me crazy. I blame this place for that.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VexXxeV08
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2021
🚨︎ report
What Sith Lord immobilizes his opponents instead of killing them?

Darth Ritis.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard

whoops wrong sub

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeterPorky
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
🚨︎ report
A murderer once stopped killing, became lazy, and was only enjoying life. He became a

Serial Chiller

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/B0R0line
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Unemployed Pilot (Dad still killing it at 70)

My dad just sent me this (couldn't help but groan, even as a dad myself):

I had a fella in painting and decorating the house for the last three days, I got chatting to him and it turns out he is actually a Ryanair pilot on PUP (Pandemic Unemployment Payment - social welfare in Ireland for those affected by Covid), he is decorating now to try and pay his mortgage, sad times but in fairness he did a great job on the landingπŸ˜¬πŸ‘

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Garbarrage
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
There's a man killing people who only have 9 toes!

He's lactose intolerant.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FBI1990
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a killing before yoga practice?

A pre-meditated murder

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pittybrave
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I left my vampire killing kit in the elevator...

The stakes have never been higher

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it.

We went out and had beers. Cool guy, very driven, wants to be a web designer.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mer-edith
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
🚨︎ report
*Black gets hit by the Killing Curse*

Black: Harry, I’m dead.

Harry: Are you serious?

Black: Yes, I’m dead Sirius.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
A Mafia hit-man was arrested for killing a man in a rice field with a porcelain figurine.

The police said this is the first known case of a knick knack paddy whack

πŸ‘︎ 99
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NeGuy1
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve just been charged for killing a man using sandpaper

In my defence I only intended to rough him up a little bit

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Micktheprivz
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
🚨︎ report
BREAKING NEWS: Vietnam accidentally sank its own submarine killing all 350 on board

Whoops, wrong sub.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zekesnack
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Boater Jailed for Killing Dolphin

Boater says it was an accident. Judge ruled that he did it on porpoise.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
The suspense is killing me
πŸ‘︎ 104
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πŸ‘€︎ u/prabeshdai13
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the paladin have to visit the tire shop after killing an innocent bystander?

Because he was out of alignment.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Konamicoder
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My wrists are killing me from driving my coworkers everyday through tunnels and traffic.

Dr. Says I have a bad case of car pool tunnel.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zaxxonn26
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A man purposely crashed two passenger trains, killing hundreds. Why didn’t he get the electric chair?

Turns out he was a really bad conductor.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Unsettled_Beef121
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the father say to his baby boy before killing him with a vacuum cleaner?

Dyson

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/excalibron
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
This is killing me

https://i.imgur.com/K0QITw8.jpg

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/liveda4th
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Why didn't Obi-Wan forgive Darth Maul for killing his master?

He wasn't willing to let Qui-Gons be bygones.

πŸ‘︎ 98
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MelkorHimself
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
🚨︎ report
A short psychic has been on a killing spree

The headlines read "A small medium is at large"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dannydog73
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Work is killing my feet: they are all black and blue
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sine_nomine1859
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
There is a fine line between saving and killing

Take 911 for example

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Firestone9999
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What Sith Lord immobilizes his victims instead of killing them?

Darth Ritis.

Edit: The Sith Lord of politeness, Darth anksalot.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
BREAKING: Iran has struck its own submarine with an underwater torpedo in the Persian Gulf, killing all 350 aboard

Whoops wrong sub

πŸ‘︎ 80k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeterPorky
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudebrostien
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I was charged with accidentally killing a man with sandpaper.

I didn't mean too. All I wanted to do was rough him up a bit.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SerbianTarHeel
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
BREAKING: Iran has struck its own submarine with an underwater torpedo in the Persian Gulf, killing all 354 aboard

Whoops wrong sub

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hercules_ZH
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it

We had some drinks, cool guy, he wants to be a web developer

πŸ‘︎ 183
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RussiaIsMyCity
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me to take the spider out instead of killing it

Went to the bar, had a few drinks, nice guy, turns out he's a Web designer

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
So instead of killing a spider, I took him out

He was a really nice guy we had a few drinks. He's a web designer

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Edgy_Sama
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing.

We went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy, wants to be a web designer.

πŸ‘︎ 258
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scrambledeggsalad
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him

Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jackdec2
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it...

Had a few drinks, he is a cool guy, wants to be a Web developer.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tgm810
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me take the spider out instead of killing him.

We had a few drinks, what a great guy. Turns out he’s a web designer.

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SindySlaughter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
🚨︎ report
A hit-man was arrested for killing a man in a rice field with a porcelain figurine.

The police said this is the first known case of a knick knack paddy whack.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tiny_spring
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.

Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy, he's a web designer

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Adventure84
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him

Went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.

πŸ‘︎ 205
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArchaicAlien
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
🚨︎ report
What Sith Lord immobilizes his opponents instead of killing them?

Darth Ritis.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife said I should take out the spider instead of killing it.

I'm glad I did. We went out. Had a few drinks. Overall good guy. He's a web designer.

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/invertedparadoxxx
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me take a spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.

πŸ‘︎ 257
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it

We had some drinks, cool guy, says he wants to be a web-developer

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mku4e
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.

Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aglatte
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it

We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lichqueen22
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
🚨︎ report

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