As a mafia hitman, my story of a successful mission I was assigned--which had me assassinate a decade of mob bosses--usually started as similarly sounding like the layman's term of the fibrous tissue along the calves and heels...
"I killed these ten Dons..."
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︎ Mar 30 2020
Having sex with a deaf person is like assassinating someone
They won't hear you cumming
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︎ Jan 12 2021
What do you say to a French assassin?
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︎ Jan 03 2021
what do we say about the assassin ?
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︎ Oct 24 2020
I was playing Assassins Creed when suddenlyโฆ
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︎ Sep 08 2020
I don't know how much money an assassin makes...
but I bet they make a killing!
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︎ Oct 27 2020
What do you call an assassin that only kills anime lovers?
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︎ Oct 22 2020
What did the secret service yell when Disney sent assassins after our president?
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︎ Oct 13 2020
They refused to hire the boat assassin to be the face of the company
They had a feeling he'd be a sails killer
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︎ Sep 05 2020
What is the name of the assassin that only kills candles?
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︎ Jul 15 2020
My fiancรฉ thinks I have an unhealthy obsession with assassins creed
and if I wear my robes to the wedding sheโll leave me at the Altaรฏr
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︎ May 13 2020
What did the assassin do when he was hungry?
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︎ Sep 19 2019
Arthur the Assassin indicted for a cheap triple murder at local grocery store.
Headline: "Artie chokes three for a dollar at the A&P."
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︎ Jan 13 2020
As an assassin, sometimes you have to take different jobs.
I made a killing in the market.
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︎ Sep 18 2019
An assassin was recently hired to kill a cow in a rice field with two porcelain figures
Police say it's the first reported case of nick-nack paddy wack.
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︎ Oct 07 2019
Whatโs got two butts and kills people?
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︎ Jul 31 2020
Last week, a freshman secret service officer stopped an assassination attempt on the president of the United States by screaming โMickey Mouseโ!
When his superior congratulated him for the arrest, he asked โWhy did you scream Mickey Mouse?โ And the secret serviceman said โI was trying to say Donald Duck!โ
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︎ Mar 11 2019
I'm going to create my own assassin agency
Our slogan: We aim to please.
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︎ Jul 30 2019
What do you call an assassin that kills in summer?
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︎ Jun 07 2019
The thing about being a good assassin....
It's all in the execution!
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︎ May 19 2019
Mikhail Gorbachev started an anti-alcohol campaign in USSR in 1980s. People went crazy because of the restrictions on selling of alcohol. An old Soviet joke went like this:
โA disaffected and angry citizen, fed up of standing in lines for vodka, decided to go assassinate Gorbachev. He soon came back and ruefully reported that the lines to assassinate Gorbachev were even longer than the lines for vodka.โ
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︎ May 07 2020
If Kim Jong Un were assassinated, what would you call his gunshot wound?
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︎ Jan 14 2019
Warlord assassination attempt gone terribly wrong.
A navy SEAL sniper was dispatched from a submarine on the coast of Africa with the mission of traveling inland to quietly take out a warlord. His only link to his superiors on the submarine was cellular messaging device. He arrived and had to lay in cover for days. A pride of lions eventually settled around him, making him very nervous. Circumstances then necessitated immediate action so the commander sent the SEAL messages ordering him to clear the area before the strike. Being in the midst of the pride the soldier couldn't move to check his phone. He then perished in the attack.
However, this is not the first person to miss the subtext because they couldn't read between the lions.
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︎ Jul 05 2018
My girlfriend said my over-ambitious assassin jokes were getting in the way of our relationship
and I just said..."don't worry, I'll take them all out"
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︎ Oct 08 2018
I'm an assassin, but I consider myself a storyteller.
I specialize in surprise endings.
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︎ Mar 12 2017
I love politically incorrect jokes. Hereโs my favorite.
Benjamin Franklin was a great President.
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︎ Jul 13 2018
I told my girlfriend that her skin was really smooth and asked her if she had made Assassin's Creed.
Confused shrug in response
"Because Ubisoft"
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︎ Aug 14 2016
What do you call an assassin from the Baroque period?
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︎ Oct 27 2017
How do you weigh an assassin?
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︎ Jun 02 2017
Maybe he is in the mood for a shot?
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︎ Jul 15 2018
Dad: Son, Iโll never forget where I was when I heard the news that JFK was shot.
It was my sixth grade American history class.
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︎ Jul 19 2018
The president was assassinated at a restaurant.
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︎ Nov 23 2016
The ninja was in the can
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︎ Jul 11 2019
Did you hear about the chicken assassin guild?
Not much is known, it's all cluck and dagger.
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︎ Jul 27 2015
JFK was born...
And his assassin was like "Just fucking kidding"
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︎ Jul 20 2019
What do you call a killer with 2 butts?
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︎ Sep 09 2019
What would you call a killer who went to prison because he killed someoneโs ass?
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︎ Aug 31 2018
FPS
Let's say there was an individual that assassinated the husbands or wives of presidents by the means of a projectile weapon. Would said individual be a First-Person-Shooter?
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︎ Dec 21 2018
What do you call someone with two butts and kills people?
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︎ Jul 25 2020
Whatโs got two butts and kills people?
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︎ May 25 2020
What has two butts and kills people?
๐︎ 16k
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︎ Jun 10 2018
What has two butts and kills?
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︎ May 09 2020
What has 2 butts and kills people?
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︎ May 09 2020
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