Last week, a freshman secret service officer stopped an assassination attempt on the president of the United States by screaming โ€œMickey Mouseโ€!

When his superior congratulated him for the arrest, he asked โ€œWhy did you scream Mickey Mouse?โ€ And the secret serviceman said โ€œI was trying to say Donald Duck!โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/GPyleFan11
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
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Warlord assassination attempt gone terribly wrong.

A navy SEAL sniper was dispatched from a submarine on the coast of Africa with the mission of traveling inland to quietly take out a warlord. His only link to his superiors on the submarine was cellular messaging device. He arrived and had to lay in cover for days. A pride of lions eventually settled around him, making him very nervous. Circumstances then necessitated immediate action so the commander sent the SEAL messages ordering him to clear the area before the strike. Being in the midst of the pride the soldier couldn't move to check his phone. He then perished in the attack.

However, this is not the first person to miss the subtext because they couldn't read between the lions.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/possferatu
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 05 2018
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What has two butts and kills people?

An assassin

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/buttered_t0asties
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 13 2021
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What's the opposite of an assassin?

A dickdickout.

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๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
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Today is the Ides of March, when Caesar was famously assassinated. But what most people don't know is that he wasn't stabbed, but poisoned, by Hemlock leaves in his salad - hence the name "Caesar's Salad." When Brutus asked how many Hemlock leaves Caesar ingested, Caesar said:

Ate two, Brute.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/GoodChadAndUgly
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
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This had me dying
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/nis_sama
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
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What has two butts and kills people?

An assassin

.

Edit: thank you guys so much for the rewards! I was told this joke from my 9 year old sister, she was well chuffed to see all the votes and people thinking she was funny

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/khatsos
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
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Having sex with a deaf person is like assassinating someone

They won't hear you cumming

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/qarasaq
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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What do you say to a French assassin?

Please! Have merci!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hungytoaster
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
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what do we say about the assassin ?

he had some time to kill

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SauceSlayer
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
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I was playing Assassins Creed when suddenlyโ€ฆ
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/trimdaddy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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We had a potato cannon once. We had some dumpster bread. We were shooting it full of grass, bread and leaves....

Technically our cannon "shoots eats and leaves".

(As in the oxford comma panda assassin... that "eats, shoots, and leaves")

Anyway I've waited years for someone to appreciate this .... and it has never happened so far. I hope you are slightly amused....

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mavaction
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 07 2021
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I don't know how much money an assassin makes...

but I bet they make a killing!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/HeroUnit
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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What is the name of the assassin that only kills candles?

John Wick

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/itsthatbrownguy91
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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What did the secret service yell when Disney sent assassins after our president?

Donald, duck!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Anddditburns
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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What do you call an assassin that only kills anime lovers?

A weeb wacker

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Theunkillable
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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My fiancรฉ thinks I have an unhealthy obsession with assassins creed

and if I wear my robes to the wedding sheโ€™ll leave me at the Altaรฏr

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/glowcoma
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 13 2020
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They refused to hire the boat assassin to be the face of the company

They had a feeling he'd be a sails killer

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Trevhaar
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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What did the assassin do when he was hungry?

The assassinate

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/lZombieChaserl
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
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Arthur the Assassin indicted for a cheap triple murder at local grocery store.

Headline: "Artie chokes three for a dollar at the A&P."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Rocknocker
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 13 2020
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As an assassin, sometimes you have to take different jobs.

I made a killing in the market.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/some_lerker
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
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An assassin was recently hired to kill a cow in a rice field with two porcelain figures

Police say it's the first reported case of nick-nack paddy wack.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/djSanta1
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
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I'm going to create my own assassin agency

Our slogan: We aim to please.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Sammy_Colon
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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What do you call an assassin that kills in summer?

The heat-man

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AcaNitro7
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
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The thing about being a good assassin....

It's all in the execution!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Sjdiver2001
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2019
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If Kim Jong Un were assassinated, what would you call his gunshot wound?

A Korea-ending injury!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Crimsonae
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
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My girlfriend said my over-ambitious assassin jokes were getting in the way of our relationship

and I just said..."don't worry, I'll take them all out"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/IAmDrinkingIcedTea
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 08 2018
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I'm an assassin, but I consider myself a storyteller.

I specialize in surprise endings.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Minas-Harad
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 12 2017
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I told my girlfriend that her skin was really smooth and asked her if she had made Assassin's Creed.

Confused shrug in response

"Because Ubisoft"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/butts__
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 14 2016
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I love politically incorrect jokes. Hereโ€™s my favorite.

Benjamin Franklin was a great President.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 13 2018
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Dad: Son, Iโ€™ll never forget where I was when I heard the news that JFK was shot.

It was my sixth grade American history class.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 19 2018
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What do you call an assassin from the Baroque period?

A Bachstabber.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Clbull
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 27 2017
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How do you weigh an assassin?

In Killergrams.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Garstank
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 02 2017
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Maybe he is in the mood for a shot?
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 15 2018
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What has two butts and kills people?

An assassin

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/LazyCatlc
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 28 2021
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What has 2 butts and kills people?

An assassin

Thank you! Iโ€™ll be here all night

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CosmicallyKayla
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
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What has two butts and kills people?

An assassin

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/29thattempt
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
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What has 2 butts and kills people ?

An assassin

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Conviction666
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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What has two butts and kills people?

An Assassin

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/batmans_apprentice
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
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What has two butts and kills people?

An ASSASSIN

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thisDiff
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
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Whatโ€™s got two butts and kills people?

An assassin

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/deedubya8
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
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What has two butts and kills people?

An assassin

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/LeCrowing
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 10 2018
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Whatโ€™s got two butts and kills people?

An assassin.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/HammItUp
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 25 2020
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What do you call someone with two butts and kills people?

an assassin. :)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sawcey_yuh
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
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