Last week, a freshman secret service officer stopped an assassination attempt on the president of the United States by screaming โMickey Mouseโ!
When his superior congratulated him for the arrest, he asked โWhy did you scream Mickey Mouse?โ And the secret serviceman said โI was trying to say Donald Duck!โ
๐︎ 23
๐
︎ Mar 11 2019
Warlord assassination attempt gone terribly wrong.
A navy SEAL sniper was dispatched from a submarine on the coast of Africa with the mission of traveling inland to quietly take out a warlord. His only link to his superiors on the submarine was cellular messaging device. He arrived and had to lay in cover for days. A pride of lions eventually settled around him, making him very nervous. Circumstances then necessitated immediate action so the commander sent the SEAL messages ordering him to clear the area before the strike. Being in the midst of the pride the soldier couldn't move to check his phone. He then perished in the attack.
However, this is not the first person to miss the subtext because they couldn't read between the lions.
๐︎ 6
๐
︎ Jul 05 2018
What has two butts and kills people?
๐︎ 4k
๐
︎ May 13 2021
What's the opposite of an assassin?
๐︎ 45
๐
︎ Feb 21 2021
Today is the Ides of March, when Caesar was famously assassinated. But what most people don't know is that he wasn't stabbed, but poisoned, by Hemlock leaves in his salad - hence the name "Caesar's Salad." When Brutus asked how many Hemlock leaves Caesar ingested, Caesar said:
๐︎ 8
๐
︎ Mar 15 2021
This had me dying
๐︎ 5k
๐
︎ Mar 10 2021
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin
.
Edit: thank you guys so much for the rewards! I was told this joke from my 9 year old sister, she was well chuffed to see all the votes and people thinking she was funny
๐︎ 10k
๐
︎ Feb 21 2021
Having sex with a deaf person is like assassinating someone
They won't hear you cumming
๐︎ 26
๐
︎ Jan 12 2021
What do you say to a French assassin?
๐︎ 4
๐
︎ Jan 03 2021
what do we say about the assassin ?
๐︎ 5
๐
︎ Oct 24 2020
I was playing Assassins Creed when suddenlyโฆ
๐︎ 52
๐
︎ Sep 08 2020
We had a potato cannon once. We had some dumpster bread. We were shooting it full of grass, bread and leaves....
Technically our cannon "shoots eats and leaves".
(As in the oxford comma panda assassin... that "eats, shoots, and leaves")
Anyway I've waited years for someone to appreciate this .... and it has never happened so far. I hope you are slightly amused....
๐︎ 4
๐
︎ May 07 2021
I don't know how much money an assassin makes...
but I bet they make a killing!
๐︎ 3
๐
︎ Oct 27 2020
What is the name of the assassin that only kills candles?
๐︎ 74
๐
︎ Jul 15 2020
What did the secret service yell when Disney sent assassins after our president?
๐︎ 8
๐
︎ Oct 13 2020
What do you call an assassin that only kills anime lovers?
๐︎ 4
๐
︎ Oct 22 2020
My fiancรฉ thinks I have an unhealthy obsession with assassins creed
and if I wear my robes to the wedding sheโll leave me at the Altaรฏr
๐︎ 69
๐
︎ May 13 2020
They refused to hire the boat assassin to be the face of the company
They had a feeling he'd be a sails killer
๐︎ 5
๐
︎ Sep 05 2020
What did the assassin do when he was hungry?
๐︎ 204
๐
︎ Sep 19 2019
Arthur the Assassin indicted for a cheap triple murder at local grocery store.
Headline: "Artie chokes three for a dollar at the A&P."
๐︎ 6
๐
︎ Jan 13 2020
As an assassin, sometimes you have to take different jobs.
I made a killing in the market.
๐︎ 25
๐
︎ Sep 18 2019
An assassin was recently hired to kill a cow in a rice field with two porcelain figures
Police say it's the first reported case of nick-nack paddy wack.
๐︎ 8
๐
︎ Oct 07 2019
I'm going to create my own assassin agency
Our slogan: We aim to please.
๐︎ 4
๐
︎ Jul 30 2019
What do you call an assassin that kills in summer?
๐︎ 7
๐
︎ Jun 07 2019
The thing about being a good assassin....
It's all in the execution!
๐︎ 3
๐
︎ May 19 2019
If Kim Jong Un were assassinated, what would you call his gunshot wound?
๐︎ 9
๐
︎ Jan 14 2019
My girlfriend said my over-ambitious assassin jokes were getting in the way of our relationship
and I just said..."don't worry, I'll take them all out"
๐︎ 13
๐
︎ Oct 08 2018
I'm an assassin, but I consider myself a storyteller.
I specialize in surprise endings.
๐︎ 69
๐
︎ Mar 12 2017
I told my girlfriend that her skin was really smooth and asked her if she had made Assassin's Creed.
Confused shrug in response
"Because Ubisoft"
๐︎ 50
๐
︎ Aug 14 2016
I love politically incorrect jokes. Hereโs my favorite.
Benjamin Franklin was a great President.
๐︎ 7k
๐
︎ Jul 13 2018
Dad: Son, Iโll never forget where I was when I heard the news that JFK was shot.
It was my sixth grade American history class.
๐︎ 725
๐
︎ Jul 19 2018
What do you call an assassin from the Baroque period?
๐︎ 13
๐
︎ Oct 27 2017
How do you weigh an assassin?
๐︎ 26
๐
︎ Jun 02 2017
Maybe he is in the mood for a shot?
๐︎ 2k
๐
︎ Jul 15 2018
What has two butts and kills people?
๐︎ 8
๐
︎ May 28 2021
What has 2 butts and kills people?
An assassin
Thank you! Iโll be here all night
๐︎ 160
๐
︎ Feb 24 2021
What has two butts and kills people?
๐︎ 22
๐
︎ Apr 04 2021
What has 2 butts and kills people ?
๐︎ 48
๐
︎ Mar 12 2021
What has two butts and kills people?
๐︎ 29
๐
︎ Feb 12 2021
What has two butts and kills people?
๐︎ 5
๐
︎ Feb 27 2021
Whatโs got two butts and kills people?
๐︎ 54
๐
︎ Jul 31 2020
What has two butts and kills people?
๐︎ 16k
๐
︎ Jun 10 2018
Whatโs got two butts and kills people?
๐︎ 33
๐
︎ May 25 2020
What do you call someone with two butts and kills people?
๐︎ 9
๐
︎ Jul 25 2020
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
