My Grandfather survived Pepper spray and Mustard gas attacks in two wars...
... And came home to us a seasoned Veteran.
Edit : To use a war pun.. " Wow, this really blew up " ...Thanks to all for contributing to this bit of fun. I feel like Granddad now with all the medals.
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︎ Jun 29 2020
Dad has a heart attack
Dad:has a heart attack
Dad:Call me an ambulance...
Son: uhhh... You're an ambulance....
Dad:....
Dad: That's my boy...dead
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︎ Aug 18 2020
Double attack?
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︎ Jun 26 2020
My friend and I were playing golf. He hit the flagpole on the shot and said βthat gave me a heart attack!β
I told him βactually that was a strokeβ
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︎ Jul 05 2020
Why did the Soviet Union not attack Germany right away?
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︎ Jul 01 2020
He gets a mini heart-attack when the Australian waiter says "Check, Mate"
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︎ May 11 2020
My Doctor has me on a diet to help epilepic attacks...
Mainly spasmati rice and seizure salads...
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︎ Jul 07 2020
Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift
Because she had bad blood
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︎ Jun 29 2020
βDue to the rising number of dolphin attacks, weβve had to outlaw any overnight camping on the beach.β
βWe hope the new rule will help, for all in tents and porpoises.β
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︎ Jun 20 2020
Some guy just threatened to attack me with a neck of a guitar.
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︎ May 30 2020
Statistically, you are more likely to be killed by a donkey than by a terrorist attack.
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︎ Jun 06 2020
Whenβs the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of cherades
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︎ May 29 2020
TIL there was once a nation whose Navy could only attack when the enemy was behind them.
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︎ May 04 2020
Why did US army attack turkey?
Because it was Thanksgiving.
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︎ May 29 2020
I was reading a history book, and apparently in the middle east there were hundreds of years where nocturnal predator birds used to fly around and ejaculate all over the place. The Arabic people would keep each other up to date on the latest attacks; and so marked the beginning of...
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︎ Apr 22 2020
My mom was having a panic attack and wanted to leave
But I told her βNah ma, stayβ
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︎ May 13 2020
After the pilot had a sudden heart attack, an air traffic controller had to coach a passenger in landing a cargo jet full of various cuts of select Kobe beef
The steaks had never been higher
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︎ May 21 2020
Son: *having a heart attack* dad, call me an ambulance
Dad: okay, you're an ambulance
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︎ Feb 02 2020
What do you call it when a DJ get's a heart attack?
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︎ Apr 17 2020
TIL about a sneak attack in WWII, in which Norwayβs Skiing Soldiers deprived the German army of the atomic bomb.
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︎ Apr 30 2020
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
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︎ Mar 10 2020
I saw the headline βTrump Attacks WHO chief Over Criticisms of U.S. Approach to Coronavirusβ and thought...
What the hell did Pete Townshend do?!?
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︎ Apr 08 2020
Gordon Ramsay once survived a mustard-gas attack when he was in the army. Then, he got pepper-sprayed whilst at a protest.
You could say that he is relished among the cooking community, and truly a seasoned veteran
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︎ Feb 14 2020
Pee Pea Pun Attack !
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︎ Dec 04 2019
In Canada, you are more likely to die of a moose kick than of a terrorist attack.
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︎ Dec 23 2018
Did you hear about the bunch of Serengeti herbivores that no longer allowed lions to attack them unless a weak member needed removed?
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︎ Mar 12 2020
What do you call a guy having a heart attack?
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︎ Jan 26 2020
Hispanic attacks
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︎ Oct 30 2019
BREAKING NEWS: Dendrologists have discovered a new type of parasitic tree whose roots will eat and attack other trees.
They have been initially described as coniferous
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︎ Feb 06 2020
Dad (having an heart attack): Son call me an ambulance...
Son actually calls an ambulance.
Dad dies of disappointment.
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︎ Aug 13 2018
What does a pirate say when he has a heart attack?
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︎ Dec 15 2019
What happens if you get a heart attack on a pirate ship ?
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︎ Jan 30 2020
In horror movies, why do clowns like to attack at night?
They think itβs dark humour
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︎ Nov 24 2019
Did you hear about the dude who survived a Kodiak bear attack with only a .22 to defend himself?
After taking a bullet to the knee, his friend wasn't as lucky.
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︎ Dec 14 2019
I witnessed a bear attack at the food court today!
I was at the shopping maul.
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︎ Oct 23 2019
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
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︎ Nov 26 2019
If you attack someone with a jalapeΓ±o... is it assault
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︎ Nov 14 2019
My soldier friend was doused with pepper spray and also survived a mustard gas attack.
Now he's a seasoned veteran.
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︎ Jun 18 2019
Some guy just said he was going to attack me with the neck of a guitar.
I said βIs that a fretβ
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︎ Oct 20 2018
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital...
... he was on a fairway to heaven.
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︎ Apr 23 2019
Heβs under attack
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︎ Jun 13 2019
The attack on the blind peoples home was so unexpected
I mean who would have seen it coming?
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︎ Jun 21 2019
Husband: "I think I'm having a heart attack." Wife: "Ok darling, give me your password to your phone and I'll call an ambulance."
Husband: "Never mind. I'm feeling better!"
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︎ Oct 03 2019
Since Trump became president, the secret service hasn't been allowed to yell "Get down!" when he is under attack...
Instead they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
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︎ Jun 26 2019
Someone once tried to attack me with cheese and milk.
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︎ Jul 19 2019
Did you hear about the chain of terrorist attacks committed by angry bankers?
Police thought the attacks were linked but later found that they were a bunch of loan wolves.
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︎ Sep 07 2019
If zombies attack...
Goto Sam's Club. There's cement walls, years worth of food and tons of supplies. Plus zombies can't get in without a membership.
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︎ Aug 16 2019
What is the favorite food of the titans on attack on titan
Raw-men
Note: My dad said this to me...
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︎ May 22 2019
Dad*has a heart attack*
Dad: Son, call me an ambulance!
Son:* crying *Dad, youβre an ambulance
Dad: Iβm so proud of you * dies *
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︎ Jul 05 2019
Meanwhile in the comments of "Chicken Attack"
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︎ May 24 2019
Can a ninja attack you from long range?
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︎ Apr 10 2019
Dad: Son I'm having a heart attack call me an ambulance!
Son: You're an ambulance
Dad: Not bad
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︎ Jun 19 2019
Dad: has a heart attack
Dad: call me an ambulance
Son: uh..... You're an ambulance
Dad.....
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︎ Jan 26 2019
There was a massive cyber attack recently, the government is still looking for the hacker
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︎ Mar 19 2019
HELP! I'm under attack
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︎ Aug 17 2018
Why did Russia wait so long to attack the Nazis?
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︎ Apr 06 2019
Why did the pig have a heart attack
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︎ Jun 18 2019
Who do you call when a hungry koala attacks?
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︎ May 10 2019
If you are going to attack a group of clowns
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︎ Apr 17 2019
if you attack someone with eyelashes does it mean you lash out at them
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︎ Jan 11 2019
An old man warned me about my asthma attack before I even knew it was coming
I asked him how he did it.
His response? With age comes wheezedom.
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︎ May 05 2019
During an argument, my friend accused me of an βad homonymβ attack.
Itβs not what it sounds like.
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︎ Mar 31 2019
The Romans didnβt think Hannibal would attack them alone
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︎ Dec 08 2018
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
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︎ Sep 26 2018
What happens if a wolf attacks you during the winter?
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︎ Mar 14 2019
A jockey was disqualified after training his horse to attack other riders
It was an excessive use of horse.
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︎ Feb 16 2019
My girlfriend is kind of like a ninja attack..
They're two things I'll never see coming.
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︎ Sep 24 2018
Statistically youβre more likely to be killed by a donkey than a terrorist attack.
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︎ Jan 28 2019
How does an ocean attack?
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︎ Dec 03 2018
This bloke said to me: Iβm going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.
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︎ Feb 01 2019
Day 3: The terrible wound on my leg from the lion attack has all but stopped bleeding.
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︎ Dec 06 2018
A man just told me he was going to attack me with a guitar. I said "is that a fret?"
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︎ Jan 09 2018
Mr. Jones loses his poultry and drove of pigs in a vicious coyote attack one night.
Upon hearing the news, his neighbours and other farm owners decide to chip in to help him through a tough time.
With high hopes and heavy pockets, they reach Mr. Jones' farmhouse, only to see him merrily sipping lemonade on the porch. Confused, a person from the horde asks him, "Aren't you devastated?"
To which the farmer says,
No ham, no fowl
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︎ Dec 18 2018
Apparently, when hungry, wild goldfish will attack any other sea creature to steal their food, except for large fish with fins.
Because then they'd they'd be jumping the shark.
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︎ Jan 07 2019
An older man took his wife to the hospital, fearing a heart attack
The man waits for a while and the doctor comes out to tell his findings. The doctor says, "Your wife did not have a heart attack. She just has acute angina."
Adjusting his hearing aid, the husband says, "Listen here young man, don't go talking about my wife's privates like that! I know she's cute down there!"
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︎ Apr 29 2018
Iβm Syriasly sick of all these gas attacks!
Yes itβs a double pun. This is probably the best thing Iβve ever done in my whole life...
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︎ Apr 12 2018
I just heard about a new logical fallacy: the βad homonymβ attack.
Itβs not what it sounds like.
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︎ Jun 30 2018
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︎ Dec 23 2017
What do you do if a group of clowns attacks you?
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︎ Aug 24 2018
"Do you know that an alligator wonβt attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
" Really, Honey?"
βDepends on how fast you carry the flashlight.β
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︎ Oct 16 2017
A man died from a heart attack when being taken to the police station
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︎ Oct 03 2016
Did you hear about the brown bear that had a heart attack while being detained?
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︎ May 11 2018
Wife: what would you do if a lion was going to attack me and my mother. Who would you save first?
Husband: the lion of course!
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︎ Mar 19 2018
My dad was told he couldn't lift more than 5 pounds while recovering from his heart attack.
He asked the nurse how he was supposed to pee.
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︎ Nov 05 2013
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
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︎ Mar 30 2018
What does the secret service say if the president is under attack?
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︎ Feb 02 2017
My neighbor tried to attack me with a picket rail
So I punched him in defense
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︎ Jan 27 2018
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
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︎ Apr 23 2018
When clowns attack...
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︎ Jun 20 2014
Why didn't the Vampire attack Taylor Swift?
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︎ Jan 28 2020
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