My Grandfather survived Pepper spray and Mustard gas attacks in two wars...
... And came home to us a seasoned Veteran.
Edit : To use a war pun.. " Wow, this really blew up " ...Thanks to all for contributing to this bit of fun. I feel like Granddad now with all the medals.
Dad has a heart attack
Dad:has a heart attack
Dad:Call me an ambulance...
Son: uhhh... You're an ambulance....
Dad: That's my boy...dead
My friend and I were playing golf. He hit the flagpole on the shot and said “that gave me a heart attack!”
I told him “actually that was a stroke”
Why did the Soviet Union not attack Germany right away?
He gets a mini heart-attack when the Australian waiter says "Check, Mate"
My Doctor has me on a diet to help epilepic attacks...
Mainly spasmati rice and seizure salads...
Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift
Because she had bad blood
“Due to the rising number of dolphin attacks, we’ve had to outlaw any overnight camping on the beach.”
“We hope the new rule will help, for all in tents and porpoises.”
Some guy just threatened to attack me with a neck of a guitar.
Statistically, you are more likely to be killed by a donkey than by a terrorist attack.
When’s the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of cherades
TIL there was once a nation whose Navy could only attack when the enemy was behind them.
Why did US army attack turkey?
Because it was Thanksgiving.
I was reading a history book, and apparently in the middle east there were hundreds of years where nocturnal predator birds used to fly around and ejaculate all over the place. The Arabic people would keep each other up to date on the latest attacks; and so marked the beginning of...
My mom was having a panic attack and wanted to leave
But I told her “Nah ma, stay”
After the pilot had a sudden heart attack, an air traffic controller had to coach a passenger in landing a cargo jet full of various cuts of select Kobe beef
The steaks had never been higher
Son: *having a heart attack* dad, call me an ambulance
Dad: okay, you're an ambulance
What do you call it when a DJ get's a heart attack?
TIL about a sneak attack in WWII, in which Norway’s Skiing Soldiers deprived the German army of the atomic bomb.
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
I saw the headline “Trump Attacks WHO chief Over Criticisms of U.S. Approach to Coronavirus” and thought...
What the hell did Pete Townshend do?!?
Gordon Ramsay once survived a mustard-gas attack when he was in the army. Then, he got pepper-sprayed whilst at a protest.
You could say that he is relished among the cooking community, and truly a seasoned veteran
In Canada, you are more likely to die of a moose kick than of a terrorist attack.
Did you hear about the bunch of Serengeti herbivores that no longer allowed lions to attack them unless a weak member needed removed?
What do you call a guy having a heart attack?
BREAKING NEWS: Dendrologists have discovered a new type of parasitic tree whose roots will eat and attack other trees.
They have been initially described as coniferous
Dad (having an heart attack): Son call me an ambulance...
Son actually calls an ambulance.
Dad dies of disappointment.
What does a pirate say when he has a heart attack?
What happens if you get a heart attack on a pirate ship ?
In horror movies, why do clowns like to attack at night?
They think it’s dark humour
Did you hear about the dude who survived a Kodiak bear attack with only a .22 to defend himself?
After taking a bullet to the knee, his friend wasn't as lucky.
I witnessed a bear attack at the food court today!
I was at the shopping maul.
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
If you attack someone with a jalapeño... is it assault
My soldier friend was doused with pepper spray and also survived a mustard gas attack.
Now he's a seasoned veteran.
Some guy just said he was going to attack me with the neck of a guitar.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital...
... he was on a fairway to heaven.
The attack on the blind peoples home was so unexpected
I mean who would have seen it coming?
Husband: "I think I'm having a heart attack." Wife: "Ok darling, give me your password to your phone and I'll call an ambulance."
Husband: "Never mind. I'm feeling better!"
Since Trump became president, the secret service hasn't been allowed to yell "Get down!" when he is under attack...
Instead they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
Someone once tried to attack me with cheese and milk.
Did you hear about the chain of terrorist attacks committed by angry bankers?
Police thought the attacks were linked but later found that they were a bunch of loan wolves.
If zombies attack...
Goto Sam's Club. There's cement walls, years worth of food and tons of supplies. Plus zombies can't get in without a membership.
What is the favorite food of the titans on attack on titan
Note: My dad said this to me...
Dad*has a heart attack*
Dad: Son, call me an ambulance!
Son:* crying *Dad, you’re an ambulance
Dad: I’m so proud of you * dies *
Meanwhile in the comments of "Chicken Attack"
Can a ninja attack you from long range?
Dad: Son I'm having a heart attack call me an ambulance!
Son: You're an ambulance
Dad: Not bad
Dad: has a heart attack
Dad: call me an ambulance
Son: uh..... You're an ambulance
There was a massive cyber attack recently, the government is still looking for the hacker
Why did Russia wait so long to attack the Nazis?
Why did the pig have a heart attack
Who do you call when a hungry koala attacks?
If you are going to attack a group of clowns
if you attack someone with eyelashes does it mean you lash out at them
An old man warned me about my asthma attack before I even knew it was coming
I asked him how he did it.
His response? With age comes wheezedom.
During an argument, my friend accused me of an “ad homonym” attack.
It’s not what it sounds like.
The Romans didn’t think Hannibal would attack them alone
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
What happens if a wolf attacks you during the winter?
A jockey was disqualified after training his horse to attack other riders
It was an excessive use of horse.
My girlfriend is kind of like a ninja attack..
They're two things I'll never see coming.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a donkey than a terrorist attack.
How does an ocean attack?
This bloke said to me: I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.
Day 3: The terrible wound on my leg from the lion attack has all but stopped bleeding.
A man just told me he was going to attack me with a guitar. I said "is that a fret?"
Mr. Jones loses his poultry and drove of pigs in a vicious coyote attack one night.
Upon hearing the news, his neighbours and other farm owners decide to chip in to help him through a tough time.
With high hopes and heavy pockets, they reach Mr. Jones' farmhouse, only to see him merrily sipping lemonade on the porch. Confused, a person from the horde asks him, "Aren't you devastated?"
To which the farmer says,
No ham, no fowl
Apparently, when hungry, wild goldfish will attack any other sea creature to steal their food, except for large fish with fins.
Because then they'd they'd be jumping the shark.
An older man took his wife to the hospital, fearing a heart attack
The man waits for a while and the doctor comes out to tell his findings. The doctor says, "Your wife did not have a heart attack. She just has acute angina."
Adjusting his hearing aid, the husband says, "Listen here young man, don't go talking about my wife's privates like that! I know she's cute down there!"
I’m Syriasly sick of all these gas attacks!
Yes it’s a double pun. This is probably the best thing I’ve ever done in my whole life...
I just heard about a new logical fallacy: the “ad homonym” attack.
It’s not what it sounds like.
What do you do if a group of clowns attacks you?
"Do you know that an alligator won’t attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
" Really, Honey?"
“Depends on how fast you carry the flashlight.”
A man died from a heart attack when being taken to the police station
Did you hear about the brown bear that had a heart attack while being detained?
Wife: what would you do if a lion was going to attack me and my mother. Who would you save first?
Husband: the lion of course!
My dad was told he couldn't lift more than 5 pounds while recovering from his heart attack.
He asked the nurse how he was supposed to pee.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
What does the secret service say if the president is under attack?
My neighbor tried to attack me with a picket rail
So I punched him in defense
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Why didn't the Vampire attack Taylor Swift?