My Grandfather survived Pepper spray and Mustard gas attacks in two wars...

... And came home to us a seasoned Veteran.

Edit : To use a war pun.. " Wow, this really blew up " ...Thanks to all for contributing to this bit of fun. I feel like Granddad now with all the medals.

πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad has a heart attack

Dad:has a heart attack

Dad:Call me an ambulance...

Son: uhhh... You're an ambulance....

Dad:....

Dad: That's my boy...dead

πŸ‘︎ 157
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πŸ‘€︎ u/microblue00
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Double attack?
πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/juicysand420
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend and I were playing golf. He hit the flagpole on the shot and said β€œthat gave me a heart attack!”

I told him β€œactually that was a stroke”

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dingdongdan69
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the Soviet Union not attack Germany right away?

They were Stalin.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/karma-enigma
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
🚨︎ report
He gets a mini heart-attack when the Australian waiter says "Check, Mate"
πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stunner19
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My Doctor has me on a diet to help epilepic attacks...

Mainly spasmati rice and seizure salads...

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift

Because she had bad blood

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/howiewu0402
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œDue to the rising number of dolphin attacks, we’ve had to outlaw any overnight camping on the beach.”

β€œWe hope the new rule will help, for all in tents and porpoises.”

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/okaypuck
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Some guy just threatened to attack me with a neck of a guitar.

I said "Is that a fret?"

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Statistically, you are more likely to be killed by a donkey than by a terrorist attack.

So watch your ass.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
🚨︎ report
When’s the worst time to have a heart attack?

During a game of cherades

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ghastbuster95
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
🚨︎ report
TIL there was once a nation whose Navy could only attack when the enemy was behind them.

It was Aftcannonstan.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/7stringGriffle
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did US army attack turkey?

Because it was Thanksgiving.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cris070608
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I was reading a history book, and apparently in the middle east there were hundreds of years where nocturnal predator birds used to fly around and ejaculate all over the place. The Arabic people would keep each other up to date on the latest attacks; and so marked the beginning of...

The Owl Jizz Era News.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nutsacktetherball
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My mom was having a panic attack and wanted to leave

But I told her β€œNah ma, stay”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
🚨︎ report
After the pilot had a sudden heart attack, an air traffic controller had to coach a passenger in landing a cargo jet full of various cuts of select Kobe beef

The steaks had never been higher

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/linknt01
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Son: *having a heart attack* dad, call me an ambulance

Dad: okay, you're an ambulance

πŸ‘︎ 191
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πŸ‘€︎ u/x_amxxn_x
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when a DJ get's a heart attack?

A beat drop.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HomoPragensis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
🚨︎ report
TIL about a sneak attack in WWII, in which Norway’s Skiing Soldiers deprived the German army of the atomic bomb.

They did Nazi it coming.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blackabe
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.

Shocking isn't it.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crackshot666
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw the headline β€œTrump Attacks WHO chief Over Criticisms of U.S. Approach to Coronavirus” and thought...

What the hell did Pete Townshend do?!?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TreyBien875
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Gordon Ramsay once survived a mustard-gas attack when he was in the army. Then, he got pepper-sprayed whilst at a protest.

You could say that he is relished among the cooking community, and truly a seasoned veteran

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dg_zano
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Pee Pea Pun Attack !
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlakeTheMadd
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
🚨︎ report
In Canada, you are more likely to die of a moose kick than of a terrorist attack.

Those damn mooselimbs.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the bunch of Serengeti herbivores that no longer allowed lions to attack them unless a weak member needed removed?

Good gnus!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a guy having a heart attack?

An ambulance.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JustAGuyInTampa
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Hispanic attacks
πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/genesiscreation7
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
🚨︎ report
BREAKING NEWS: Dendrologists have discovered a new type of parasitic tree whose roots will eat and attack other trees.

They have been initially described as coniferous

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sanjiroku
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad (having an heart attack): Son call me an ambulance...

Son actually calls an ambulance.

Dad dies of disappointment.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vinnaey
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2018
🚨︎ report
What does a pirate say when he has a heart attack?

Arr me hearty!

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sky5598
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
🚨︎ report
What happens if you get a heart attack on a pirate ship ?

You Sea Pea Arrrrgh !!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
🚨︎ report
In horror movies, why do clowns like to attack at night?

They think it’s dark humour

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wishfulpeacherino
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the dude who survived a Kodiak bear attack with only a .22 to defend himself?

After taking a bullet to the knee, his friend wasn't as lucky.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I witnessed a bear attack at the food court today!

I was at the shopping maul.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.

The poor man dyed a loan.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
🚨︎ report
If you attack someone with a jalapeΓ±o... is it assault

Or a pepper?

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kafuto2147
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
🚨︎ report
My soldier friend was doused with pepper spray and also survived a mustard gas attack.

Now he's a seasoned veteran.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stevehrowe2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Some guy just said he was going to attack me with the neck of a guitar.

I said β€œIs that a fret”

πŸ‘︎ 694
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hughdman
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2018
🚨︎ report
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital...

... he was on a fairway to heaven.

πŸ‘︎ 61
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stgm_at
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
🚨︎ report
He’s under attack
πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Invalleria
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
🚨︎ report
The attack on the blind peoples home was so unexpected

I mean who would have seen it coming?

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Real_Shit420
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Husband: "I think I'm having a heart attack." Wife: "Ok darling, give me your password to your phone and I'll call an ambulance."

Husband: "Never mind. I'm feeling better!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Since Trump became president, the secret service hasn't been allowed to yell "Get down!" when he is under attack...

Instead they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/owen_mkn6244
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Someone once tried to attack me with cheese and milk.

How dairy.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WinGs5000
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the chain of terrorist attacks committed by angry bankers?

Police thought the attacks were linked but later found that they were a bunch of loan wolves.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nick30075
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
🚨︎ report
If zombies attack...

Goto Sam's Club. There's cement walls, years worth of food and tons of supplies. Plus zombies can't get in without a membership.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viperfour
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2019
🚨︎ report
What is the favorite food of the titans on attack on titan

Raw-men

Note: My dad said this to me...

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rzj_stuff
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad*has a heart attack*

Dad: Son, call me an ambulance!

Son:* crying *Dad, you’re an ambulance

Dad: I’m so proud of you * dies *

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/barrarmistead
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Meanwhile in the comments of "Chicken Attack"
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/venetayDVDy
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Can a ninja attack you from long range?

Shuriken

πŸ‘︎ 61
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/imlesmartest
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad: Son I'm having a heart attack call me an ambulance!

Son: You're an ambulance

Dad: Not bad

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/41d3n_P1355
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad: has a heart attack

Dad: call me an ambulance Son: uh..... You're an ambulance Dad.....

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MemeLord42021
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2019
🚨︎ report
There was a massive cyber attack recently, the government is still looking for the hacker

I think he ran some ware

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dolizcny
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
🚨︎ report
HELP! I'm under attack
πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KidCarter93
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did Russia wait so long to attack the Nazis?

They were Stalin

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CynicalEducator
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the pig have a heart attack

Too much bacon.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/templaknight13579
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Who do you call when a hungry koala attacks?

Yptus. You call Yptus.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lum1nar
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
🚨︎ report
If you are going to attack a group of clowns

Go for the juggler.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Freedrugzplz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
🚨︎ report
if you attack someone with eyelashes does it mean you lash out at them
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/13434O
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
🚨︎ report
An old man warned me about my asthma attack before I even knew it was coming

I asked him how he did it.

His response? With age comes wheezedom.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThinkOfANameHere
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2019
🚨︎ report
During an argument, my friend accused me of an β€œad homonym” attack.

It’s not what it sounds like.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2019
🚨︎ report
The Romans didn’t think Hannibal would attack them alone

But he had the gaul.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ToxicDragon200
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2018
🚨︎ report
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery

But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Possum
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2018
🚨︎ report
What happens if a wolf attacks you during the winter?

Frostbite.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LateV_28
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
🚨︎ report
A jockey was disqualified after training his horse to attack other riders

It was an excessive use of horse.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/maggock
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2019
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend is kind of like a ninja attack..

They're two things I'll never see coming.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fatandsalt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2018
🚨︎ report
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a donkey than a terrorist attack.

So watch your ass.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2019
🚨︎ report
How does an ocean attack?

He bights

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EdgyMan1917
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2018
🚨︎ report
This bloke said to me: I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.

I said: Is that a fret?

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/grumpyjanner1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Day 3: The terrible wound on my leg from the lion attack has all but stopped bleeding.

The clot thickens.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
🚨︎ report
A man just told me he was going to attack me with a guitar. I said "is that a fret?"
πŸ‘︎ 61
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shady7977
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Mr. Jones loses his poultry and drove of pigs in a vicious coyote attack one night.

Upon hearing the news, his neighbours and other farm owners decide to chip in to help him through a tough time.

With high hopes and heavy pockets, they reach Mr. Jones' farmhouse, only to see him merrily sipping lemonade on the porch. Confused, a person from the horde asks him, "Aren't you devastated?"

To which the farmer says,

No ham, no fowl

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/theswarthyknight
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
🚨︎ report
Apparently, when hungry, wild goldfish will attack any other sea creature to steal their food, except for large fish with fins.

Because then they'd they'd be jumping the shark.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MightyOtaku
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
🚨︎ report
An older man took his wife to the hospital, fearing a heart attack

The man waits for a while and the doctor comes out to tell his findings. The doctor says, "Your wife did not have a heart attack. She just has acute angina."

Adjusting his hearing aid, the husband says, "Listen here young man, don't go talking about my wife's privates like that! I know she's cute down there!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2018
🚨︎ report
I’m Syriasly sick of all these gas attacks!

Yes it’s a double pun. This is probably the best thing I’ve ever done in my whole life...

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HansCrotchfelt
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2018
🚨︎ report
I just heard about a new logical fallacy: the β€œad homonym” attack.

It’s not what it sounds like.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Bees attack Brazilian cops in sting gone wrong geo.tv/latest/173654-bees…
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/always_tripping
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you do if a group of clowns attacks you?

Go for the juggler.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DylanTheG999
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2018
🚨︎ report
"Do you know that an alligator won’t attack you if you carry a flashlight?"

" Really, Honey?"

β€œDepends on how fast you carry the flashlight.”

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2017
🚨︎ report
A man died from a heart attack when being taken to the police station

It was a cardiac arrest.

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/I_love_420
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2016
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the brown bear that had a heart attack while being detained?

It was a Kodiak arrest.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ConasviM
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Wife: what would you do if a lion was going to attack me and my mother. Who would you save first?

Husband: the lion of course!

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yubimarcano
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad was told he couldn't lift more than 5 pounds while recovering from his heart attack.

He asked the nurse how he was supposed to pee.

πŸ‘︎ 530
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Khoops66
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2013
🚨︎ report
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.

He was dead on a rival.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mrthatsthat
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2018
🚨︎ report
What does the secret service say if the president is under attack?

Donald, duck!

πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DrTheSteve
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2017
🚨︎ report
My neighbor tried to attack me with a picket rail

So I punched him in defense

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?

An ambulance

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChaoticFather
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2018
🚨︎ report
When clowns attack...
πŸ‘︎ 132
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/carolingianempire
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2014
🚨︎ report
Why didn't the Vampire attack Taylor Swift?

She had bad blood

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hrishic2327
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
🚨︎ report

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