Doctor said Iโ€™m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.

I took what he said with a grain of salt.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 66
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/battebatmand
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Have you heard about Ozzy Osbourneโ€™s new concept album about Donald Trumpโ€™s attack of gastric flu?

Itโ€™s called Diarrhoea of a Madman

I dun made dat un up mah-self

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Tony-2112
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What's the most common form of Owl on Owl attack?

Fly-By Hooting.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/iamdonloyal
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My Grandfather survived Pepper spray and Mustard gas attacks in two wars...

... And came home to us a seasoned Veteran.

Edit : To use a war pun.. " Wow, this really blew up " ...Thanks to all for contributing to this bit of fun. I feel like Granddad now with all the medals.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 19k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I would like to see a heart attack
๐Ÿ‘︎ 36
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/EthanoicAcid2203
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
To avoid bear attacks, carry little bells and pepper spray.

Itโ€™s also helpful to know the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung. Black bear dung has plants and fruit material in it. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper spray.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My evil clone is trying to attack me.

But I probably shouldnโ€™t beat myself up over it.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 20
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/King_Arthur24
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.

I said to him is that a Fret!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tiger7971
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Dad has a heart attack

Dad:has a heart attack

Dad:Call me an ambulance...

Son: uhhh... You're an ambulance....

Dad:....

Dad: That's my boy...dead

๐Ÿ‘︎ 159
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/microblue00
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The police were under heavy attack of the flies

They had to call the SWAT team!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/viky_boy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Double attack?
๐Ÿ‘︎ 54
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/juicysand420
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why do the lion not attack the farm?

He was a little bit sheepish.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ItIsYeDragon
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
He gets a mini heart-attack when the Australian waiter says "Check, Mate"
๐Ÿ‘︎ 24
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/stunner19
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 11 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why did the Soviet Union not attack Germany right away?

They were Stalin.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/karma-enigma
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My friend and I were playing golf. He hit the flagpole on the shot and said โ€œthat gave me a heart attack!โ€

I told him โ€œactually that was a strokeโ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 15
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dingdongdan69
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift

Because she had bad blood

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/howiewu0402
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
โ€œDue to the rising number of dolphin attacks, weโ€™ve had to outlaw any overnight camping on the beach.โ€

โ€œWe hope the new rule will help, for all in tents and porpoises.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 19
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/okaypuck
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My Doctor has me on a diet to help epilepic attacks...

Mainly spasmati rice and seizure salads...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Statistically, you are more likely to be killed by a donkey than by a terrorist attack.

So watch your ass.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
In Canada, you are more likely to die of a moose kick than of a terrorist attack.

Those damn mooselimbs.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
TIL there was once a nation whose Navy could only attack when the enemy was behind them.

It was Aftcannonstan.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/7stringGriffle
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 04 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I was reading a history book, and apparently in the middle east there were hundreds of years where nocturnal predator birds used to fly around and ejaculate all over the place. The Arabic people would keep each other up to date on the latest attacks; and so marked the beginning of...

The Owl Jizz Era News.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/nutsacktetherball
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Whenโ€™s the worst time to have a heart attack?

During a game of cherades

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Ghastbuster95
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 29 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why did US army attack turkey?

Because it was Thanksgiving.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/cris070608
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 29 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My mom was having a panic attack and wanted to leave

But I told her โ€œNah ma, stayโ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/remembering_the_90s
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 13 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What do you call it when a DJ get's a heart attack?

A beat drop.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 18
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/HomoPragensis
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.

Shocking isn't it.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/crackshot666
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
After the pilot had a sudden heart attack, an air traffic controller had to coach a passenger in landing a cargo jet full of various cuts of select Kobe beef

The steaks had never been higher

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/linknt01
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 21 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I saw the headline โ€œTrump Attacks WHO chief Over Criticisms of U.S. Approach to Coronavirusโ€ and thought...

What the hell did Pete Townshend do?!?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TreyBien875
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Gordon Ramsay once survived a mustard-gas attack when he was in the army. Then, he got pepper-sprayed whilst at a protest.

You could say that he is relished among the cooking community, and truly a seasoned veteran

๐Ÿ‘︎ 31
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dg_zano
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
TIL about a sneak attack in WWII, in which Norwayโ€™s Skiing Soldiers deprived the German army of the atomic bomb.

They did Nazi it coming.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/blackabe
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Pee Pea Pun Attack !
๐Ÿ‘︎ 16
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BlakeTheMadd
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Hispanic attacks
๐Ÿ‘︎ 51
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/genesiscreation7
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Did you hear about the bunch of Serengeti herbivores that no longer allowed lions to attack them unless a weak member needed removed?

Good gnus!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thomasbrakeline
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 12 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
BREAKING NEWS: Dendrologists have discovered a new type of parasitic tree whose roots will eat and attack other trees.

They have been initially described as coniferous

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Sanjiroku
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
In horror movies, why do clowns like to attack at night?

They think itโ€™s dark humour

๐Ÿ‘︎ 36
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/wishfulpeacherino
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My soldier friend was doused with pepper spray and also survived a mustard gas attack.

Now he's a seasoned veteran.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 29
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/stevehrowe2
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Some guy just said he was going to attack me with the neck of a guitar.

I said, โ€œIs that a fret?โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 43
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Safazz146
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Some guy just threatened to attack me with a neck of a guitar.

I said "Is that a fret?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Rav4xle
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 30 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Son: *having a heart attack* dad, call me an ambulance

Dad: okay, you're an ambulance

๐Ÿ‘︎ 191
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/x_amxxn_x
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Dad (having an heart attack): Son call me an ambulance...

Son actually calls an ambulance.

Dad dies of disappointment.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/vinnaey
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 13 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What do you call a guy having a heart attack?

An ambulance.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JustAGuyInTampa
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Some guy just said he was going to attack me with the neck of a guitar.

I said โ€œIs that a fretโ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 701
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hughdman
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 20 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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