What did the outraged flower say ?

What in Carnation ?!?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedMusical
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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The world’s leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant β€œDo you have β€˜European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

β€œCertainly,” replies the assistant. β€œWould you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, β€œI'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”

The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.

Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."

The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.

The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.

"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"

The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.

"What seems to be the problem, sir?"

"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"

The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.

"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotFunny_69
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2021
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I entered the national rage competition after being told I was easily angered, but lost to a guy who was much angrier than me.

I was outraged.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MidDan
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
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The pennie joke

No offense is intended with this joke. It was a joke that a Catholic priest once said, and I found it quite funny.

A $100 bill went to heaven and was heading towards the gate when St. Peter stopped him. The bill said "What's the matter?". And St. Pete said, "You can't go in". And the bill replied, "Why not? I've done nothing wrong. I was given to charity for the poor and I've been with the richest people on Earth". Right then, a $20 bill was passing by, and St. Peter stopped him as well. "What does this mean? I've been good with everyone and I've been given to the poor more times than the $100 bill". But St. Pete had none of it. Right then, a $1 bill was passing by and it too was stopped. "I've been given to the poor more times than any of these combined! This is outrageous!". And right then, an old, dirty and rusty pennie was passing through the gates, jumping with joy. He stopped for a moment and smiled at St. Pete. And St. Pete smiled back, as the pennie leaped into heaven. All the other bills were confused and enraged. And when they asked St. Pete why that filthy little coin was let in, and not them, St. Peter responded: "He was the only one to go to mass".

I hope you have a nice day!

P.S: No offense is intended with this joke. It was a joke that a Catholic priest once said, and I found it quite funny.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joshy2004194II
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
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Before my dad died, he spent all his savings on a bunch of outrageously expensive toupees.

He said they were my inhairitance.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wmyspr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2019
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If you are an outrageous lunatic, a mental institute is where you should get in! Oops, meant to say cret in.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/losmi443214
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2019
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Have you heard about the man who was outraged by the price of Apple's new monitor?

He bought one, but he still can't stand it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NatNothan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
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πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2018
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Today I saw a duck that was a dwug addict.

He was a quack head. I guess it's better than being a heron addict, but apparently he had trouble getting treatment because his bill was outrageous.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JCokeDaKilla
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50, and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars.

I said, β€œThat’s outrageous!”

He just shrugged and said, β€œThat’s inflation for you.”

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ‘€︎ u/hughdman
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2018
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Why didn’t USA switch from pounds to grams?

Because of mass outrage.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/slashmatt-the-cat
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
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my 7YO hit me with this one this morning

7YO: Knock knock!
Me: Who's there*?*
7YO: Europe
Me: Europe who?
7YO: (with mock outrage) I'm not a poo! you're a poo!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
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Joke by my wife

There we were, sitting by the hearth last night.

Man on the television set: "Vote blue, no matter who."

Mother: "Father, do you think he means our darling pooch"?

Blue: Snoring on the rug, fat and lavish

Me: "Mother, you are a sensational one. Outrageous!"

Mother: With her head tilted back, unleashes a hearty guffaw

I thought you might enjoy this roguish exchange as much as mother and I did πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trenlow12
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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I was in the supermarket the other day when this guy threw a block of cheddar at me.

Outraged, I shouted : "Well that's not very mature is it ?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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A True Story

So this needs a little backstory.

About 10 years ago my wife and I went to see the comedian Jim Gaffigan in Santa Rosa, CA where we live. About 2/3 the way through his set, he did an old Steve Martin bit. I leaned over to my wife and said quietly (or so I thought,) "Steve Martin called, he wants his bit back."

Apparently Mr. Gaffigan heard me, because he did the last 1/3 of his set staring at his shoes.

Flash forward to last night. We were at a public event with TONS of people, loud music, dancing, whatever. Some guy walked by wearing an outrageously funny outfit, and I leaned very close to my wife's ear to make a comment about it. She mildly upset and said, "Don't do a Jim Gaffigan," she said.

I blinked and leaned in again and said, clearly: "You mean...Don't make a Jim Gaffe Again?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dramboxf
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
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"If you take a cigarette out of a cigarette packet, what does it become?"

A cigarette lighter.

He thought it was outrageously funny when we collectively groaned.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ‘€︎ u/Klimmekkei
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2014
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A man called the police regarding a fly problem…

So I'm watching a show called outrageous 911 Calls, and there was a story of an old man who was cooking bacon that ended up burning. So he opens up his back door to try and air out some of the smoke. Well, the smell starts attracting flies and of course he calls the police to report it and hope that they can send someone to handle the fly issue. The emergency operator says the police cannot do anything to help him.

So I turn to my friend who is watching along side me, and I say, "Obviously the police can't help him, he needs a swat team."

Bah dum, tss

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ‘€︎ u/deatoai
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2014
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My friend owns a mall (long)

I'm here today to tell you all a horrible story, so that none of you have to go through the same experience as my friend.

My friend, Hugh, is a very religious man, who is also involved in our community. 2 weeks ago, our local church burned down and Hugh believed it was his Christian duty to help them get back on their feet. Hugh allowed the friars of the church to set up a cart in his mall to sell their flowers. Every day, the friars came in at 7:00 in the morning with a bushel of beautiful flowers and began to work diligently to arrange them into bouquets. All was going well, the mall was generating more revenue and the church was making more money than they were by selling the flowers in front of the church on Sunday. Everyone was happy; until that first weekend.

Our town is kinda tourist-y, so we get some out-of-towners on the weekends. A gay couple came to the mall the first weekend that the friars had taken up shop (Typically, our town is pretty progressive, but the friars tended to be uber-conservative). The couple came over to the cart and admired the flowers; they tried to purchase a bouquet, but the friars refused to sell to them. The couple was outraged and went to see Hugh directly. They complained to him that the friars were being discriminatory, so Hugh promised to have a talk with the friars. When Hugh confronted the friars, they refused to sell to the couple on the grounds that β€œthey were committing an atrocity in the eyes of the lord.” The couple stormed off and promised to boycott the cart.

This past weekend, the couple came back with a large group and a letter from the mayor, saying that the friars had to sell to them, regardless of sexual preference. The friars stood firm and refused to sell to them, so the group started a protest. They brought in signs and started chanting around the cart. The friars continued to sell their flowers and Hugh allowed them to remain, so eventually the protest began to boycott the mall, rather than just the cart.

By today, the mall had lost 50% of its normal weekend revenue. The group sent a letter to Hugh saying that they could forgive him if he shut down the flower cart within the week. Hugh was pretty broken up, but he had no choice. To maintain his livelihood, he would have to kick the friars out of his store. He talked with the friars this morning and revoked their previous agreement. The friars had their cart packed and left by 7:30, to huge cheers from the community. The mall has been pretty norm

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/st_pugsley
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2016
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Did you hear about the duck that went to the hospital with a swollen face?

The bill was outrageous!

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ‘€︎ u/mrthatsthat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
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Got one in on the gf yesterday.

We were watching TV and this Mercedes ad comes on and says something along the lines of "900 miles between fill-ups" or something outrageous like that. I got the classic grin and said "Huh, I thought Phillip was a more common name than that."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/averagemammoth
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2014
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Not sure if technically a joke..

Not really a joke, but it sure made me laugh.

A few days ago I was working on an essay about Harriet Tubman. I finished it Wednesday night and left it in the kitchen overnight. At some point during the nighttime my father erased one of my sentences. It was something like, "New York responded to this incident with outrage, with most sympathizing with Tubman over her economic hardships."

He replaced it with, "Harriet Tubman wrote the first draft of the film The Parent Trap on the back of a Carls Jr. sandwich wrapper." I didn't check the paper before turning it in.

My teacher was not amused.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hatsforfish
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2014
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My dad had this marine themed anti-vaxxer zinger last night.

We were watching a documentary about the ocean. At one point they described the process of clown fish "vaccinating" themselves to the sting of the anemone by exposing themselves to it from birth.

My dad: "Jenny McCarpy is outraged."

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2016
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Road signs

Whenever we drove down a road that had a "SLOW KIDS" sign my dad would feign outrage and say "The city has no business making fun of the mentally handicapped!" or something to that effect.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/peeonyou
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2013
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Every time I'm out to dinner with my dad...

He hands me (or someone else) the check and says, "It's an outrage! I wouldn't pay it if I were you."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tictac1211
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2013
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My sister asked me how many ribs we have. I ain't got a clue so I was like "six or seven maybe". Mums a doctor and looks outraged at me not knowing the right answer. Me: "that's not something you learn I bet dad doesn't know the answer. Dad how many ribs have we got"

Dad: I dunno, depends if they're saucy and how many your brothers having

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Megpuss
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2015
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Honestly a Great-Grandfather-in-law joke, but I enjoyed it.

There was this convenience store and the owner had a parrot perched next to the register. The parrot would talk to customers as they walked by and one day a man was walking by and the parrot said "You're the ugliest man I ever saw.". Taken aback, the man said "What did you say?" and the parrot said "You're the ugliest man I ever saw."

The man was outraged. He talked to the owner and said "Do you know what your bird just said to me?"

"No." said the owner.

"He said I was the ugliest man he ever saw."

"I'll give him a talking to." said the owner. "You come back tomorrow and see if things aren't a bit different."

That night the owner takes the parrot and slaps him around some, and tells him not to insult the customers ever again.

So the next day rolls around and the man stops by the store. He walks up to the register and says to the bird "What do you think you're lookin' at?"

The bird says, "You know."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JCelsius
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2015
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My old friend's dad's goof on early 80's politics will take your heart hostage.

Once upon a time in the 80’s, the religious supreme ruler of a middle eastern country fled outside military forces seeking to strip him of his power using whatever means necessary. Fearing for his life, he was secretly smuggled into the US where he reluctantly shaved his beard and attempted to blend in.

He successfully went native and got an apartment, and soon realized he needed a job to pay for food and rent. He didn't want to do any sort of manual labor or serve others, as he craved comfortable control. He eventually became a toll booth operator, where he enjoyed sitting in his high chair, making people pay him so that he would grant them passage. Over time he grew bold and began to use his own judgment on what vehicles would pay him for his blessing to cross.

One day, two semi-tractor trailer beverage trucks were in his line, a Pepsi truck in front, and a Coke truck behind. The Pepsi truck pulled up and he said "Pepsi truck, you may pass for free." The Pepsi truck driver happily accepted, and over his CB radio told the Coke truck driver β€œThis guy just let me through for free!”. When the Coke truck pulled up, hoping to also pass for free, the toll booth dictator said "Coke truck, you will pay me 100 of your American dollars."

The Coke truck driver was livid, and said "You let that Pepsi truck pass for free! You want me to pay 100 dollars?! That’s outrageous! I am going to report this! What is your name?!" Our toll booth operator proudly replied "Ayatollah Cokemainly."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AllUpInMyRizznus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2014
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