As a English teacher, I proud of myself at how good my students are teached. Thus I were dismayed when no paper writ by them all was worthy of a mark of even a C...

It was D-grading.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
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Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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A hunter went out into the forest

He went into the woods during a deep fog and saw a figure, so he shot...

He mist.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/Asadleafsfan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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I was driving down the interstate when I came across a sign for the world's largest pickle...

I turned at the next exit and found that there was a whole town around it.

Shops, restaurants, even churches devoted to this pickle.

When I finally found the museum holding this legendary pickle, I discovered it was closed.

Dismayed, I went back to the interstate.

I just never saw what the big dill was.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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A man was trotting across the Prairie when is horse suddenly died...

It took him three days to make it to the closest town. To his dismay, nobody in that town had a horse for sale. So he started walking to the next town. After three days the man, exhausted, started asking around and looking for a horse for sale.Again, nobody could help him.He did,however,stumbled upon a place that sold horses but the man in charge was fresh out.

"Sold my last one just yesterday,"he said."I do, however, have a brother that sells horses. He's about a day's walk west.He owns a corral. He might have a horse to sell you."

So, once again, he sets foot West to the next town and finds the mans brother.

"I heard you might have a horse for sale, he asks."

"Well, I have one, but he don't look so good."he replies.

"I don't care. I've been walking for darn near a week and I'm tired and exhausted. I'll take him."

So after the man pays for the horse, he hops on him takes off and the horse hits a tree and stops.

"Hey,"the man says." I think you sold me a blind horse.Fact is, I'm sure of it!"

"Sir, I told you he don't look so good."the man fires back.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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The government just banned the fifth month of the calendar year.

Everyone was dismayed.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ‘€︎ u/xnphls
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
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So a sensei or β€˜teacher’ at a martial arts school brings a bowl of crispy wontons to class.

He sets it on a plinth and tells the students they’re free to take a couple after class is over. Halfway through teaching the senpai or sensei’s assistant approaches and tells him he has an important phone call. He tells the class to find a partner and practice. He comes back fifteen minutes later and the plinth is knocked over, the bowl is in pieces and the wontons crushed and scattered about. He is dismayed that his students would engage in such sensei-less wonton destruction.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/Igrotzny
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
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Two friends Bob and Frank are lost in the jungle when they are surrounded by a group of blood thirsty cannibals.

They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears. The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing on sacred land and unless they can prove they are descendants of the Gods they will be killed and eaten.

Bob and Frank realize they have little choice but agree they will attempt any test to try to save their lives.

The chief warrior brings them a bowl full of angry fire ants and drops one small seed into the bowl. He informs them they must put their lips in the bowl and suck as hard as they can. If they manage to suck up only the seed without sucking up an ant then the tribe would know they must be sent from the Gods.

Bob looks wearily at Frank but knowing they have no other options he puts his lips in the bowl and sucks hard. He immediately gets a mouth full of ants and screams in pain as they bite away at the inside of his mouth. Frank now even more nervous takes his turn and to his dismay also receives a nasty mouthful of the viscous buggers.

The warriors leap to their feet and surround the friends, β€œNow you must die” declares the chieftain. Just as the first spear is raised to Franks throat he screams β€œTria-Gan!” The warriors stop dead in their tracks. β€œWhat did you say” asked the chief. β€œTria-Gan” yelled frank again. Immediately the chief and his warriors turned and fled into the forest.

β€œHoly shit” said Bob β€œWhat did you just say and how did you know it would work?”

β€œWell” said Frank, β€œmy Mother always told me if at first you don’t suck seed try Tria-Gan.”

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/usernamemispeled
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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So I was getting gas today..

And I saw a woman smoking while she was fueling. I'm sitting there in dismay when I look over at another pump and see two cops leaning against their car eating hotdogs.

I start giving them this look of "don't you see this? Are you going to do anything?" they seemed unconcerned.

Just as I look back to the woman, I see her arm had caught fire and she's freaking out, flaling her arm around trying to put it out. Suddenly the cops tackle her, putting out the fire and then they arrest her.

I asked them "well, why the hell are you arresting her for? Isn't getting burned bad enough? One of the cops just looked at me and said

"She was waving around a firearm! "

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cresano
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2017
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My wife was just swapping out objects on the mantle, and my son asked why she was putting bamboo up there.

I told him she was decorating for Halloween, and they both just gave me a flat look. Then with a grin on my face I simply said bamBOO!! Much to my wife’s dismay my 6 year old has been repeating it for the last 20 minutes.

πŸ‘︎ 190
πŸ‘€︎ u/lancer611
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2018
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As the nurse is making the rounds at the old folks home...

She stops by Carl's room and sees him putting black shoe polish all over his penis. Dismayed, she exclaims "no, no, no Carl, you misunderstood. I said remember to turn your clock back."

πŸ‘︎ 164
πŸ‘€︎ u/kjc127
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
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My wife, who hates Dad jokes, just dropped this one on me...

I just purchased and presented her with a fancy Octopus-shaped necklace, and to my utter dismay, I discovered it only had seven legs... "WTF, it's a Septopus?!"

Seeing I was obviously upset, she just smiled and replied, "I still like it, don't be an Upset-topus"...

I'm so proud of her right now.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ‘€︎ u/HerrWolff
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2015
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A man I know was struggling to find his inner peace

He was talking to his wife about it and his wife admonished him, saying "It's all that sitting around you do!". After some thought, the man took to the internet and posted all the seats in the house for sale on craigslist and similar sites. He posted the loveseat, the couch, their barstools, everything. It all sold pretty quickly, and once the last piece was gone, he proudly showed his wife what he'd done. Upset and dismayed at what he'd done, she turned to him tearfully and asked, "Did you find your inner peace now?!" He smiled and cupped her face in his hands, looking her in the eyes, and said,

"Hon, I've got not a chair in the world!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
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When Steve Jobs completed the design of his Apple computer ...

You could say it was the MACulate conception!

But he was dismayed when it first stopped working,

Because it was MACulate degeneration...

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2019
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A classic groaner

Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called Trids. The Trids were happy except for the huge ogre that lived on the mountain. The ogre would periodically terrorize the Trids.

The Trids tired of the ogre and sought to reason with him. They thought one of their religious leaders would be a good intermediary. So a group of Trids and their minister went up the mountain and before they could even say one word the ogre kicked them down the mountain. Not being dismayed the Trids thought that maybe the ogre was Catholic, so they sent another delegation, this time led by the local priest. But alas, as they approached the ogre he once again kicked them all down the mountain.

The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the ogre was Jewish. Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they wrote to the people of another land and asked them to send a Rabbi to help them with the ogre. The Rabbi arrived and led a delegation of Trids up the mountain. The ogre saw them coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the mountain. The Rabbi, having been told of the previous expeditions, wondered why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the ogre. The ogre laughed and replied:

"Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

πŸ‘︎ 970
πŸ‘€︎ u/hometown45
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2013
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Plant Obsessed

I heard about a man who was obsessed with houseplants. His wife got to the point that she couldn't deal with them all over the house so she had him move all of his plants to the entryway. Now that the plants were consolidated it was much easier to move about the house, but he kept adding plants to their entryway until it was impossible to leave the house.

His wife finally had enough and tried to clear them out herself but they were all intertwined and she was unable to hack through the forest that now occupied their entryway. Desperate, she called a family friend, a forester with the National Park Service, who came and cleared out the veritable jungle while the man who had raised the plants looked on in dismay.

Just before leaving, the forester turned to the man and spoke sternly: "Only you can prevent forest foyers."

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ‘€︎ u/Oeklampadius1532
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2018
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Early Christmas present from my son

So we're putting up the Christmas tree, one of the pre-lit ones. For several years the tree and I have battled over getting all of the lights to work. As I hit the switch and groan in dismay as several strands don't come on, my son pops up with "Gee dad, looks like that tree has you stumped".

It's been several days and he's still laughing at his own joke.

πŸ‘︎ 421
πŸ‘€︎ u/dmmagill
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2013
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June is having a hard time of it lately.

I'm pretty sure she's dismayed.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/HumanAsFarAsIKnow
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
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I’m Dad... nice to meet ya

This is the latest joke making its way around our house. My kids started it β€” I swear. And I’ve perpetuated it. Much to their dismay.

Typical exchange, usually around the table:

Kid: β€œI’m hungry.” Me: β€œI’m Dad. Nice to meet you, hungry.” Kid: β€œARGH! I’m serious.” Me: β€œwell, I’m still Dad, Serious.” Kid: (Thoroughly annoyed.) β€œCan I be excused.” Me: β€œWell, I’d prefer you stay Serious. If you’re not Hungry, though, you may leave the table.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/dadacolt45
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2018
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Not sure if this fits the mold, but I am a dad and I like it...

So 3 explorers were captured by the king of a pacific island. One explorer was from Paris, one was from London, and one was from New York. The island king told them that they were all going to be killed, and that their skins would be used to make canoes. The king gave them a choice as to how they would die.

The explorer from Paris chose to be killed by a guillotine, and they cut off his head.

The explorer from London chose to be killed by a gun, and they shot him in the head.

The explorer from New York chose to be killed by a fork. The island kind was confused. He didn't know what to do with the fork, so he gave it to the explorer from New York. The guy immediately starts stabbing himself all over with the fork. There is blood everywhere and it's a horrific scene. The dismayed island king asks the explorer from New York what the hell he's doing, and the New Yorker replies...


πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ‘€︎ u/nimble2
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2017
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My proudest produce-based joke at work today.

I work at a grocery store where we sell fresh produce, and a costumer was asking about the ramps we have on the counter, asking if they were scapes. I look him dead in the eye and reply "No, these are ramps. Though ramps are a good means of a scape (escape)."

He started laughing while his wife just groaned at our sense of humor.

I then proceeded to tell it to all of my co-workers much to their dismay.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/terminavelocity
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2014
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Girlfriends dad thinks he's funny.

> A young boy and his father are walking down the street, when they see a golden retriever on top of a labrador, doing the dirty. The boy asks "Daddy, what are they doing!?" and his father calmly replies "Don't worry son, that's how they make a puppy."

> Later that evening, after the boy has gone to bed, Daddy and Mommy have their alone time. Just as things are getting hot and heavy, the young boy walks into the room and is shocked. "Daddy, what are you doing to Mommy?!" to which his father calmly replies "Don't worry Son, this is how we make a baby!" His son is dismayed, thinks for a second, and says: "Well turn her over, I want a puppy!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/gethaased
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2013
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Dad joking at the ER after a clavicle fracture

Doctor: Do you want any painkillers? Have you got anything at home?

Me: We've got some paracetamol

Doctor: Would you like anything a bit stronger?

Dad chimes in: I'm sure it couldn't hurt...

He was a bit dismayed the doctor didn't catch it until I started laughing.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/Charata
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2014
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