The greatest baseball player ever was a guy named Hugh McBealy, and he was most famous for every single time he came to the plate knocking the ball high over right field and into the stands.

He scored a home run every single at bat, and always the exact same way. Way over right field, too high for anyone to reach, and it always landed in exactly the 17th row of the stands, give or take a couple feet.

He earned the nickname “the machine” for how consistently he hit the exact same spot every time. Right field, 17th row, every single time. He did this for 20 years before he retired. Tickets to the 2-3 seats that the ball always landed on sold for over $2k a pop by the time he retired because you were guaranteed at least a couple home run balls.

And the day he retired a reporter asked him “How does it feel to be retiring as the greatest hitter of all time?”

Hugh just looked at the reporter puzzled. “What do you mean?” He said.

The reporter clarified “literally over 5,000 times you went to the plate and hit a home run to right field, 17th row of the stands!”

Hugh looked dejected and disappointed “yeah, my greatest failure...”

“What do you mean?” Said the reporter incredulously.

Hugh let’s out a long sigh, and looked down at the ground quietly for a moment before finally speaking.

“I’ve been aiming left this whole time”

👍︎ 3
👤︎ u/Frnklfrwsr
📅︎ Nov 12 2020
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A piece of rope walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender replies, "I'm sorry, but you're a rope. I can't serve you, and I'm not even sure how I could. Please leave."

A short time later, the rope comes back into the bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender, a bit annoyed at the situation, says, "Look, I told you I can't serve you. Just go away."

A few hours later, the rope comes back in again.

The bartender is getting mad now. "Look, I told you twice that I can't serve alcohol to a rope! Now get out and STAY OUT!"

Dejectedly, the rope leaves the bar and sits at the curb until a gentleman passes by. Suddenly, the piece of rope has an idea.

"Excuse me", says the rope, "but could you do me a favor?"

"Um... me?" says the puzzled gentleman. "Uh... I guess so..."

"Great! I just need you to tie a big ol' knot right in my middle."

"Well," says the gentleman. "I just so happens I was a former Eagle Scout. Here you go," and ties a perfect knot in the rope. "Will that be all?"

The rope pauses for a second and says, "Actually, could you pull apart my ends and unravel them for a bit?"

The gentleman obliges and goes on his merry way. The piece of rope, satisfied at its new appearance, heads back into the bar.

Furious, the bartender shouts, "HEY! Aren't you that same piece of rope I kicked out three times already?!?"

"No, I'm a frayed knot."

👍︎ 39
📅︎ May 04 2020
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A guy signs up for the army and goes to get his equipment after he’s been processed.

When he gets to the place where he’s supposed to pick up his rifle the man tells him that he just ran out. “If you need to shoot just say ‘BANGITY BANG BANGITY BANG!'” he says. Bummed out and little confused, the guy moves on to the next area where he’s supposed to pick up the bayonet. But the next man is out too. “If you need to stab someone just go, ‘STICKITY STICK STICKITY STICK!'” he says. Dejected and wondering what the heck he signed up for, the guy jumps into the next truck on its way to the front where there’s a battle raging on.

Side by side with the rest of the soldiers in his unit, the guy advances on the enemy position. As soon as he sees the enemy, he shouts, “BANGITY BANG BANGITY BANG!!” Amazingly, the enemy soldier drops to the ground. Encouraged by his success he charges the next two enemy soldiers and goes, “STICKITY STICK STICKITY STICK!” They both immediately collapse in front of him. This is incredible, he thinks, I’ve become unstoppable.

So when he sees his next foe way off in the distance, he shouts, “BANGITY BANG BANGITY BANG!” at him. He waits for him to fall, but nothing happens. The guy charges his unfazed adversary next and goes “STICKITY STICK STICKITY STICK!” Again he thinks the man will fall and again nothing happens. “Why wont you drop?” the guy says. The enemy soldier knocks him down and responds, “TANKITY TANK TANKITY TANK!”

👍︎ 15
👤︎ u/Lavidius
📅︎ Apr 23 2019
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Thirsty string

A piece of string goes to the local bar for a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve string here" and kicks him out. He puts on a cowboy hat and a fake moustache and tries again. The bartender sees through his disguise and kicks him out again. Dejected, he sits on the sidewalk until he gets a great idea. He ties himself into a knot and combs out one of his ends. After he enters the bar the bartender says, "Hey! Aren't you the piece of string I just kicked out, twice?" and the piece of string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

👍︎ 3
👤︎ u/sherzeg
📅︎ Apr 14 2019
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A man and his girlfriend plan their annual sex themed Olympics, and the man brags of his ability to win gold...

Dejected, his girlfriend says, "maybe you can take one for the team and try coming second for once."

👍︎ 2
👤︎ u/Godredd
📅︎ Sep 18 2018
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My youngest son, James, took me around the neighborhood to catch some Pokemon.

We came upon some other folks who were furiously tapping on their phones near what was, supposedly, an important location that he "owned".

My son, dejectedly, asked "My Pokemon are not very strong. Can you help me?"

I knelt down, looked at him and said "I am here to defend my Jim."

👍︎ 25
📅︎ Aug 28 2016
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My three year-old nephew is going to be a great dad

Nephew was dressed as a hot dog for Halloween.

Me: Go ahead to the next house we will catch up Nephew (looking dejected): I don't have any ketchup.

👍︎ 61
📅︎ Nov 02 2014
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Recurring Grandad joke

I only got to see my grandpa on my mom's side about once a year usually growing up, but there was always one common factor of each visit.

At some point during the catching up conversations, Pa (what we called him) would get a real dejected look on his face. Then he'd face my mom:

"Oh Vicky... guess who died?"-Pa

"Oh no... Who?"-Mom

"Elvis." -Pa

He'd then giggle, finger fun, and slap his thigh. Every. Single. Year.

I have a feeling he used that one for the better part of 40 years.

👍︎ 6
👤︎ u/Krerickson
📅︎ Apr 15 2014
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My dad's best joke

Three strings walk into a bar. The first string goes up to the bartender and says,

"Hello, I'd like a pitcher of beer and three frosty glasses for me and my buddies, please."

The bartender replies,

"Sorry pal, but we don't serve strings here."

Dejected, the first string returns to his friends and relays the transaction. The second string can't believe this, and walks swiftly up to the bartender and says,

"Hey, buddy. I need a pitcher of beer and three frosty glasses for me and my friends!"

The bartender sternly states,

"We don't serve strings here!" The second string returns to his friends, defeated. The third string looks at his pals and says,

"Guys, I got this."

He goes into the bathroom, unravels himself a little and tangles himself up a bit. He walks confidently up to the bartender and says with gusto,

"Bartender! You are going to give me and my friends a pitcher of your finest beer, and three frosty glasses, on the double!"

The bartender sighs and says,

"Like I told your buddies, WE DON'T SERVE STRINGS HERE."

The third string leans across the bar, chuckles, and says,

"String? I'm a frayed knot."

👍︎ 2
📅︎ Nov 28 2013
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