Her anger jumped discontinuously at that point in time.

Me: My love for you is 0/0 Her: Aww, infinite? Me: Nahh,Undefined. Her: Why are you like this, is there no limit to your stupidity? Me: Umm, now that you say it, I should've applied a limit to it. Her: I want to break your bones, ugh. Me: So are you saying that I'll have to re-visit the l'hospital?

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 28
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What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?

They will give you a piece of your mind.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
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Anger management classes seem to be getting popular nowadays.

You could say they're all the rage.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
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My husband loves Bridget Bardot, so I got tattooed her initials on my buttcheeks, but when I showed him, he went red with anger:

Who the fuck is BOB?!?!?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SelfesteemB8
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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I just got accepted into the most popular anger management group.

It’s all the rage.

πŸ‘︎ 92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyeyedmcgee
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
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This one time when I was still a kid, my younger sister got very mad at me for making silly noises. To show our parents that her ensuing fit of anger wasn't as annoying as my goofing off, my sister said,

"Well at least I'm not walking around the house going "Hurgerbgehbh blurgeblegh blurgega, hurr dee hurr, derr!"

To which my dad said,

"Yes you are".

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JTCMuehlenkamp
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
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I run a restaurant and have written a book about Anger Managment

It’s called Why is the hostess crying again?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Irv-Elephant
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
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You are traveling along the Oregon Trail, and you meet a man named Terry. You say "Terry? That's a girls name!" In anger, Terry stabs you to death.

You have died of dissin' Terry.

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eleventhearlofmar
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2018
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Charts that show "stages of anger" usually irritate me

Not everyone has a method to their madness.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/electrocuter666
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2019
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TIL: The new popular therapy technique calls to express anger at everything, no matter how small the issue may be.

It’s all the rage.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2019
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My friend with anger issues decided to take up golf to calm his nerves...

He became teed off when he teed off into the trees...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
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My boss gave me a brochure on anger management a few hours ago.

I just lost it.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2018
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My therapist handed me a brochure on anger management yesterday.

I just lost it.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2018
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How do you handle a red-head's anger?

Gingerly

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πŸ‘€︎ u/greyghost6
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2018
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My daughter, in a fit of anger, called us mean parents. She was right.

We are average parents.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2017
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How do Arabs overcome their anger?

They just Sheikh it off

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/themakshter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2017
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I angered the Scottish guy by making fun of his skirt...

He nearly kilt me. I poked him in the aye in defense.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 15
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I angered two people today by calling them hipsters...

Apparently, the correct term is conjoined twins...

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
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I angered two people by callling them hipsters.......

Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

πŸ‘︎ 669
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BaltBisneyBorld
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
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It has been a while since I was able to go see my barber...

...so I invited him to comb over to my house.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07
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I angered two people today by calling them "hipsters"

I guess the term "conjoined twins" is what they prefer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cockasauras_Rex
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
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Dad’s Big Day Out

I witnessed an apple store robbery today, they made me an iWitness. I was already running late, after my wife took my cheese this morning. Even after I told her it was Nacho cheese. She asked what time my dentist appointment was, I told her Tooth hurt-y. But I didn’t end up going, as there was stairs I had to ascend. I don’t trust them, they’re always up to something. Then my wife got really mad at me and said that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!

I went straight to the barber for a new look. He asked me if I wanted a haircut? I said no, I want them all cut. Puzzled he would ask such a silly question, I noticed the graveyard across the street looking overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there I thought. I picked up a book about anti-gravity. It was impossible to put down! Shear amazement a barber would have a book like this! I told the barber I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me. He stopped cutting my hair when my ear fell off. He

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lovethebigones
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14
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My wife thinks she's funny by putting Frozen yogurt in the freezer for my home packed lunches.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dye590
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
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Why did the soda factory worker quit his job?

It was too much fizzical labor.

πŸ‘︎ 101
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElevatedTreeMan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
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I angered some country music fans while driving from Lake City to Valdosta

Apparently I had crossed the Florida Georgia Line

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnbr
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
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I angered my martial arts instructor....

He flipped... XD

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Godzilla_KOM
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2018
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When I have kids, I will punish them by making them mix melted butter and flour until I send them to bed.

They will roux the day that they anger me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quantum13_6
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19
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Some of the gem's of Steven Wright

The work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

1 Β  - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2Β Β  - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3Β Β  - Half the people you know are below average.

4Β Β  - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6 Β  - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7Β Β  - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 Β  - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 Β  - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have o

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ksbalaji
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30
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I had fun angering our local magician the other day....

He pulled his hare out.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Godzilla_KOM
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2017
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I think he's looking for someone to butter him up.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yugvijay
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2018
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Russians confused, angered when Joseph Stalin does not star in 'Man of Steel'
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2014
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When I was a kid, my Dad asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I was greedy and came up with the β€œbrilliant” idea to ask for 10 thousand bucks instead of a toy so that I could buy heaps of toys.

To my surprise he shrugged and said sure.

On Christmas Day, I excitedly tore open my gift box. To my anger and disappointment, it only contained 10 plastic toy pigs and deers.

β€œDaaaaaddd!!!!” I wailed in tears.

Dad gave me the biggest shit-eating grin and said β€œWell, I got you ten sows and bucks just like you asked.”

πŸ‘︎ 153
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MarkHonnor
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
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Just yellow please

One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies,

"Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger."

The owner replies, "Well, let's see... Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?"

The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color sonny."

To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?"

"No son, I want this color.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrotalusHorridus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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There was once a communist dictator...

There was once a communist dictator who was unable to fulfill his promises of peace, land, and bread. Angered, the citizens of his country demanded he apologize and tell them his plans for the future. All night, he thought about what he would say. When he finally got on the stage, the crowd was eager to hear him β€” but he didn’t speak. Why?

I don’t know. He was just Stalin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thesmartguava
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2019
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A wall of power.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NesFX
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2018
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When my furnace broke down for the second time this week, I called the repairmen...

And vented my anger. We got into a heated argument. I later apologized for losing my cool after he told me he was a temp working to complete his degree. We agreed to meet for some cold beers.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2019
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When Gandhi was on his first hunger strike

People would routinely bring him bread in an attempt to get him to eat. What people don't understand though is that Gandhi was actually a very temperamental man, and prone to anger. So even when his friends and family were the ones bringing him bread, he would take it and hurl it at them, sometimes leaving bruises and welts. He justified it by saying it was all a part of his philosophy of naan-violence.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jchazu
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2018
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My wife asked me if I would ever stop singing Wonderwall...

I said maybe.

Credit to u/HiltonFreidman who commented this in another sub

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2016
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Which country has a lot of angry people?

Ireland

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vandershraaf
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2017
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A family of balloons

Here's a joke my dad told me. Sorry if you've heard it, but I found it hilarious, and I think you might enjoy it.

In a small town in the suburbs, there was a small family of balloons. There was a mummy balloon, a daddy balloon, and a small child balloon. Every night the boy would sleep between his parents, but his father had had enough.

"son, I know you love sleeping between us, but you're getting a bit too old for it., " the father said. "You're nearly 8, you're a big boy, and your mother and I think you should sleep in your own bed from now on. You can stay tonight but starting tomorrow we want you in your own bed. Do you understand?"

"Yeah dad, I understand..." the boy said with a maudlin tinge to his voice.

"okay son, I love you."

"love you too dad"

The next night the boy tried sleeping in his own bed, but there was a storm outside. It was a dark, ominous storm - the kind of storm that sounds like a cataclysm for the end of the world.

The boy was scared, so he went to sleep

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aesyr_raps
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2018
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3,000 dads just made the same joke at the Purdue-Iowa game

A bunch of ROTC kids were getting sworn in at halftime and the lady says, "I, state your name." And I swear to you, half the dads in the stadium go, "I state your name" followed by stifled chuckles

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pufan321
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2013
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If women go through menopause, do men go through womenopause?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mourning_dove
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2014
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Fantastic pun from Wait Wait Don't Tell Me

They were discussing an advent calendar which had angered people because the part of Baby Jesus was played by a sausage.

One of the panelists, I think Mo Rocca, quipped that people were frank-incensed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asmor
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2017
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The other day, for some reason unknown to me, I was pulled over by a local police vehicle. I rolled down my window and placed both hands on the steering wheel and waited. I noticed that the officer approaching the car was a woman...

When she got to the window I asked, "What's the problem officer?"

Her face darkened with anger and she replied, "You don't know?"

I answered, that I didn't.

She asked again, "You honestly don't know?"

I replied, "No ma'am, I have no idea."

Then she angrily replied, "Well, if you don't know, I'm certainly not going to tell you."

With that she turned and stomped angrily back to her car, got in, slammed the door and smoked the tires as she sped away...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad jokes galore: Candy company settles with mid-Missouri man over underfilled boxes

A settlement has been reached in one of the sweetest lawsuits ever to be filed in federal court, but details of the payday are under wrappers.

Daryl White Jr. of Belle, Missouri, didn’t sugar coat his anger about paying a dollar apiece for boxes of Mike and Ikes and Hot Tamales that were only two-thirds full. Determined not to be a sucker, he hired counsel and paid the U.S. District Court Western District of Missouri a $400 filing fee to sue Just Born Inc., the candymaker’s parent company, for alleged deceptive advertising and unjust enrichment.

SOURCE

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πŸ‘€︎ u/missourijake
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
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I dropped my swear jar on my wife's foot.

She said I shouldn't have taken my anger out on her.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2018
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Dadjoking at the job

My co-worker Jose is Guatemalan. We usually joke on each other about our respective races but I refer to him as everything but Guatemalan. Mexican, Puerto Rican, Ecuadorian etc.

Today he pulled a stupid move at the end of the day. "Jose! Ya stupid Bolivian" "I'm not from Bolivia!" "Really Jose? Because I don't Boleev-ya"

Annoyed anger and squinted eyes were his only response.

πŸ‘︎ 497
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elcielo17
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2015
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"See you shortly"

"Stop calling me shortly!" he shouted back.

It was the mock anger that took me by surprise...

πŸ‘︎ 197
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πŸ‘€︎ u/0lo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2015
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Stolen from a friends Facebook post

OK... so did you ever notice how every time you spend 4 days alone in the woods and you make it out without a scratch or even a mosquito bite, and you're feeling all peaceful and relaxed and at one with the universe, you're not home 20 minutes and unloading the back of your truck when you slam your right shin into the trailer hitch... and amid the flashing white stars around you, your fists clench, your teeth grit, your body tenses and every "mean, nasty and ugly" word you ever read, heard, uttered or even imagined ("Wait... is #*&%#@!!! even a word??? Oh what the heck? It works!") goes tearing through your brain.... and eventually it passes and you keep working, surprised you're not even limping and it doesn't hurt more than it does... and almost an hour later, when you're finished and getting undressed to take your first hot shower in days, you see a lump on your shin the size of Rhode Island... and the first image that pops into your head is John Merrick yelling "I AM NOT AN AN

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Markwittz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2017
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Bilingual Pun: the Spanish Clothes Shopper

A man from Spain visiting the US walked into a clothes store. He said to the clerk, "Quiero comprar unos calcetines, por favor." Unfortunately, the clerk didn't speak Spanish, and the Spaniard didn't speak English. They searched all around the store, the clerk pointing to various items, hoping to find what the foreign customer wanted.

He pointed at jackets, but the foreigner shook his head and said "No quiero chaquetas." Then he pointed at shirts, but the client was not satisfied and said "No quiero ni camisas." The clerk pointed at sweaters, pants, shoes... but the Spaniard said he didn't want "ni sudaderas, ni pantalones, ni zapatos...".

They couldn't come across the item the shopper needed. Finally, the clerk points to a table of socks, and the man from Spain exclaimed with joy, "Β‘Eso sΓ­ que es!" The clerk exploded in anger, shouting "If you could spell it, why didn't you say it before?!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thefizzynator
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2016
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My moment of glory this weekend

I don't have any children -- but I do have a great dad-joke sense of humor. This happened this weekend, and I'm quite proud just saying it on the spot:

Friend: Do you know who's opening for the concert tonight? Me: No, what time does it start? Friend: I don't know, but the doors open at 8. Me: Oh, I didn't know the doors were still touring.

followed by awkward silence, then a look of anger, and a look of defeat*

πŸ‘︎ 175
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πŸ‘€︎ u/battlesnarf
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2013
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In a little-known piece of rock history..

Courtney Love once asked Jon Bon Jovi to name her new band. Bon Jovi jokingly suggested 'Hole'.

Love though this was great - provocative and rude - so she went with it. Her ex, Corey Hart, of 'Sunglasses At Night' fame, did not approve. He sought to confront Bon Jovi on the night of Hole's first gig and, a little drunk, tried to climb the fence of Bon Jovi's LA estate.

Bon Jovi, thinking Hart an intruder, winged him with a gun belonging to Bono and The Edge's tour manager, who was dining there that night. The ensuing fracas was in all the papers, overshadowing Hole's debut, and angering Kurt Cobain, who was interested in Hole's lead singer.

Cobain sent Jon Bon Jovi a note, demanding he apologise, and Bon Jovi replied ...

"Shot Corey Hart, and U2 blamed. You give Love a band name."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flanky_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2017
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A plan for my (really loose) recreation Romeo and Juliet set in colonial Australia.
  1. Grace, an Aboriginal woman falls in love with a convict called Ed.

  2. Grace's brother, Wilangorga ( commonly known as William) is known for his anger and hate for the English.

  3. That does not stop Grace seeing Ed any time possible.

  4. One night William is out hunting near the town and sees Ed and Grace together

  5. Caught off guard , He tries to scare Ed away so William Shakes Spear.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/live4lifelegit
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2016
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Need help finding a band.

There used to be this really good band in my home town. I think I heard them on the radio very recently, but I'm not sure Last I checked, they were really small. It's been a long time since I've checked though. They might be giants.

I'm sorry it's half assed but I had this going with my SO for half an hour and she was pissed after I said the end. Mild anger from her and major laughing from me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RymNumeroUno
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2017
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A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.

The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

And the clerk just seems to ignore him.

Finally, the guy storms off in anger.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2016
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I one-upped my dad in a dadjoke-off.

We ordered Chinese food last night, and my dad and I love spare ribs. My dad pulls out the bag with the ribs and plops it on the table, it makes a "Thunk" sound and I jumped "Wow! There are a lot in there!" I said.

My dad smirks and says "Ribs? I bet we got a whole chest!" He began to snicker a little at his own comment.

"What do you mean a chest? They are clearly in a bag!" I answered. The look of pride and anger in his eyes was one I will never forget.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KaLinSka
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2014
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I know it's a little late for a Christmas pun...

There once was a Viking by the name of Rudolph the Red. One day, whilst tending to his fields, Rudolph spotted rain clouds on the horizon. He immediately dropped what he was doing and ran inside his hut to tell his wife.

"Honey, there are dark clouds on the horizon. The rains' will be here any minute" he said. She scoffed at him, "Rudolph you old fool. How could you possibly know that?" Angered by this, Rudolph turned to her and said...

"Rudolph the Red knows rain dear!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_RobertPaulson
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2013
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My co-worker didn't see the value in patience

I work at a shipping company. We'll call it YouPS. Anyway, my coworker, Jose, sees a barbell and asks me, "Why do people order weights in the mail?" I said back to him "I don't know, Jose. I guess they figured they could weight for it."

He just stared with anger as I laughed too hard to myself.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/elcielo17
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2015
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A geologist is showing off some the latest additions to her collection

when coincidentally another geologist passes by. These 'gems' catch his eyes. His curiosity becomes anger and he exclaims,

"I just had a few prized finds of my own go missing a few days ago. Where did you get these!?".

The other geologist replies, "Well, that's none of your Bismuth".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/afrotronics
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2016
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My friend's dad's Facebook posts are golden

*Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.

*Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

*Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

*What do you call a cow who gives no milk? ...A milk dud (or an udder failure)

*There was a terrible fight reported in our local shopping center. It just so happened that a news reporter from one of our local stations was there to record the entire episode. It was an altercation between a prominent dentist and a manicurist. Their disagreement escalated to the point that they wound up fighting each other tooth and nail.

*The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn't the sole owner - there were strings attached.

*I recently saw a theatrical performance on puns... turned out, it was just a play on words!

*Have you ever tried watching a magician with an anger management problem? Every time he gets mad, he pulls his hare out!

*If you lose your hearing, is it ear r

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gwildcat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2014
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Halloween costume

So I'm going as Disgust from Inside Out for Halloween this year. It is something my daughter will love and it's easy enough to just dress up in green. I've known for over a month now.

But earlier today, the day before Halloween, my man decides to tell me he wants to do a couples costume from Twin Peaks. I get frustrated and say, "Why? You've known for a while I'm going as disgust. I have it all planned."

He replies, "Really babe, I don't remember this being something we ever... discussed."

My inner Anger is enraged.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pickle_lady
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2015
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Trees

My lab partner : what are binary trees made of?

Me: Logs

My lab partner: anger

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MoaninIwatodai
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2015
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Got my wife cooking supper

My wife was fixing to start supper. She noticed the clock on the stove was wrong from the power going out yesterday. Her:what time is it? Me: hammer time The death stare and sigh of anger let me know I had done well.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thugaim2135
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2015
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What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?

They will give you a piece of your mind.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
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I angered two people today by calling them hipsters...

Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hugh_Jass5
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
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