BREAKING NEWS: Vietnam accidentally sank its own submarine killing all 350 on board

Whoops, wrong sub.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zekesnack
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
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A short psychic has been on a killing spree

The headlines read "A small medium is at large"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dannydog73
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
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If a person smokes too much meth and goes on a killing spree because of it...

...there would be a meth-od behind his madness.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2018
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A guy made a killing on the stock market today.

He shot his broker.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScottyUrb
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2017
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Today, on the news, there was an incident in my town where a city bus lost control and landed on top of a house. No one was killed and the city is paying all passengers.

I guess you can say the bus ride was on the house.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hamlet_71
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
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Whats green and fuzzy and would kill you if it jumped on you from a tree?

A snooker table

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kimenon001
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
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In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

πŸ‘︎ 242
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
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A man was killed on Thanksgiving

There suspected FOWL play

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/red_fedora_man
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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I just returned from my MIL's funeral, she was hit on the head during a tennis match & killed

It was a lovely service...

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Altar-83
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

DAD: No, it was with a knife...

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PapaBear1718
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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A mother gave birth to a boy with a defect, he only had a head.

There was no body, arms or legs to him but he was functioning normal and his parents loved him. On his 21st birthday his dad took him to a bar, bought him a beer and gave it to him to drink. Suddenly his torso grew out of his head. Around him amazed the bar started chanting β€œDrink, Drink!” His dad got a second beer and gave it to him, this time he grew arms and hands. The stunned crowd all chanted again β€œDrink, Drink” He got his third beer and drank it himself with his new hands, suddenly legs and feet grew. The crowd applauded and cheered. The son couldn’t believe it and started to run. He ran around in circles and then out of the bar. Unfortunately he ran into the road, got hit by a truck and was killed instantly. The barman looked at his dad, sighed and said β€œHe should have quit while he was a head”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-E-Droflah
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
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Why did the crazy Mexican kill people on trains?

He has loco-motives

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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Global warming will kill every single person on this planet,

It's a good thing I'm married...

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tanner_Banner
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2020
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Saw this on instagram, he must have time to kill
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ACE_POPSICLE
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
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A salutary lesson. Posted to r/jokes, probably more Dad-like

Certain related tribes in sub-Saharan Africa often raided each other's villages when most folk were herding animals. Sometimes they would take vegetables and water, but more often taking little things, to gently mock each other. It was all in good fun. After a successful raid, the "winning" tribe would celebrate by dancing under the stars, or in one of their large, grass-covered spirit houses.

One day, the Imaqi took their Satari shaman's sceptre. The following day, the Satari not only stole the sceptre back, but also the Imaqi chief's regalia.

It went back and forth, until, on a rare and daring escapade, three Imaqi warriors stole the Santari chief's throne. They put it on display, above their chief's throne in the spirit house.

The Imaqi thought that this was hilarious, and as it was beginning to rain, made merry and danced in the spirit house. Suddenly, the heavy throne on display fell down and killed a number of the dancing revelers.

The moral should be obvious: those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/this_is_jq
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who got killed when his stuffed lion tail fell on him?

It was a catastrophe

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hughperman
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Why was the duck killed and eaten for spying on others

Probably cos it was a Peking duck

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bobbadbilla
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
They killed the colourful whale on porpoise!

Oh the hue-manatee!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ExactlyOneNinja
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
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The judge had no problem sentencing the man who killed his wife on her way to yoga class, for 1st degree murder...

...stating it was pre-meditative.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/globalklaus
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Need Theme Park related puns

Myself and a friend are making a mini action film on GTA V. When I edit it, I’m planning on involving some voiceover but I need a pun for the final kill on the rollercoaster. Any suggestions ?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StickyWeeee9068
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
The ultimate Dad Joke - Bulgarian Train Man

This has been my favourite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacberated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I dont get it," says the executioner. "I didnt let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit: Thanks for the Gold stranger! Edit: And Silver!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/QuiltedButts
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
🚨︎ report
What's green and fuzzy and if it falls out of a tree on you, it will kill you?

A pool table.

πŸ‘︎ 266
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πŸ‘€︎ u/onetwopi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s big, green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls on you out of a tree?

A pool table.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LaneKerman
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
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Whats green has 6 legs and if it fell out of a tree on top of you it would kill you.

A snooker table!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

DAD: No, it was with a knife...

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gabagaba62
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s green, fuzzy, and would kill you if it fell out of a tree on to your head?

A pool table.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VictorHelios1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. MOM: Oh my! Who!? DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something? MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

No it was with a knife.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Grandcanyon19
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What's green, brown, has four legs and when it falls on you it will kill you?

A billiard's table.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/death-to-turtles
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

DAD: No, it was with a knife...

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iaxeuanswerme
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way into town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

DAD: No, it was with a knife...

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tankerman05
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

DAD: No, it was with a knife

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
🚨︎ report
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way into town, apparently an actress just killed herself

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

DAD: No, it was with a knife

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/roblter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What's green and fuzzy, and would kill you if it fell on you?

A pool table

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crustine_the_weeb
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
🚨︎ report
You can't not say it

In a freak accident today,a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair,the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/frudedude
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
What is brown, green, and fuzzy on top and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A pool table.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dandanmagicman
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
🚨︎ report
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. MOM: Oh my! Who!? DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something? MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

DAD: No, it was with a knife...

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Abhilegend
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
🚨︎ report
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

DAD: No, it was with a knife...

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/markrulez
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. MOM: Oh my! Who!? DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something? MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!??????? DAD: No, it was with a knife
πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2018
🚨︎ report
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

DAD: No, it was with a knife...

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/virulentt_music
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
🚨︎ report
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. MOM: Oh my! Who!? DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

DAD: No, it was with a knife...

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/isthisgood12
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
🚨︎ report
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. MOM: Oh my! Who!? DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something? MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!??????? DAD: No, it was with a knife...
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tanka007
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Taking a family portrait

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report

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