I have the eye of a tiger and the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the zoo

πŸ‘︎ 214
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22
🚨︎ report
My Grandfather has the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the zoo

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGregGreg
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12
🚨︎ report
My horoscope said my heart would be broken in 12 years time.

So I bought a puppy to cheer myself up !

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23
🚨︎ report
My mate Gav sadly passed away this morning. Doctors say it was severe heart burn.

Cannot believe Gaviscon

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/schwifty98
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10
🚨︎ report
My horoscope told me I was going to be heart broken in 12 years

So I bought a puppy to cheer myself up

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BOT_MX
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08
🚨︎ report
My son has the heart of a lion....

And a lifetime ban from the zoo!

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Aka_Pineapple
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27
🚨︎ report
I could never become a heart surgeon. Why?

I wouldn’t have the heart to do it

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hungry-fangirl
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22
🚨︎ report
My friend and I were playing golf. He hit the flagpole on the shot and said β€œthat gave me a heart attack!”

I told him β€œactually that was a stroke”

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dingdongdan69
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05
🚨︎ report
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:

β€œNo more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes”

I’m glad he still has his sense of humor through these tough times

πŸ‘︎ 142
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pranske3
πŸ“…︎ May 31
🚨︎ report
I have the heart of a lion…

And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.

πŸ‘︎ 62
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ May 29
🚨︎ report
My dad had a failing heart and refused to get surgery.

But in the end, he had a change of heart.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jazst
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10
🚨︎ report
My friend created an artificial heart from stuff he got from a mine and an old pistol...

The heart is a vital ore-gun.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14
🚨︎ report
A sailor wrote a book about how to win a woman’s heart

It’s called β€œThe Art of Seaduction”

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stgm_at
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22
🚨︎ report
I stole this girl's heart

I was arrested shortly after for murder

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mystic_Frost69
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03
🚨︎ report
He gets a mini heart-attack when the Australian waiter says "Check, Mate"
πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stunner19
πŸ“…︎ May 11
🚨︎ report
My grandpa has the heart of a lion...

And a lifetime ban from the zoo

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MCVeteran69
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15
🚨︎ report
Being a prostitute is, at the heart, a simple profession.

It's all about getting the most buck for your bang.

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/illregertitanyway
πŸ“…︎ May 07
🚨︎ report
Please accept my Heart Felt thanks.
πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrShaunce
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27
🚨︎ report
Only way to kill a French vampire is to stab it in its heart with a baguette.

But the whole damn process is painstaking.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fyrebrand18
πŸ“…︎ May 31
🚨︎ report
When’s the worst time to have a heart attack?

During a game of cherades

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ghastbuster95
πŸ“…︎ May 29
🚨︎ report
Why should people with heart disease avoid sleeping outdoors?

Because camping is in tents.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07
🚨︎ report
After the pilot had a sudden heart attack, an air traffic controller had to coach a passenger in landing a cargo jet full of various cuts of select Kobe beef

The steaks had never been higher

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/linknt01
πŸ“…︎ May 21
🚨︎ report
Did anyone know that Cardi B had an Irish cousin who is a lung/heart specialist?

She's named Cardi O'Vascular.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/goldsmobile
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when a DJ get's a heart attack?

A beat drop.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HomoPragensis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17
🚨︎ report
I had a heart removal surgery the other day

When my family asked me if I was okay, I didn’t have the heart to tell them no.

Edit. I can’t change the title but I’ve decided to word it differently:

My heart got ripped out earlier today.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jcrehm41506
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24
🚨︎ report
Son: *having a heart attack* dad, call me an ambulance

Dad: okay, you're an ambulance

πŸ‘︎ 192
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/x_amxxn_x
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02
🚨︎ report
My brother has the heart of a lion.

And a lifetime ban at the San Diego Zoo.

πŸ‘︎ 116
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/deaderson
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20
🚨︎ report
Recently i had a heart transplant

That fabulous doctor was pulling on my heart strings

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Larmagedon
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22
🚨︎ report
My Dad has the heart of a lion

and now he's banned from our local zoo.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sagbon98
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02
🚨︎ report
I have the heart of a lion...

And a life time ban from the Central Park Zoo

πŸ‘︎ 61
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ar1stocrat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17
🚨︎ report
I have the heart of a lion.

And a lifetime ban from London Zoo.

πŸ‘︎ 162
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Merulius
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
🚨︎ report
To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart

Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chx_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03
🚨︎ report
My dear old grandmother always used to say the way to a man's heart was through his stomach,

which is why she lost her job as a cardiac surgeon.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ubadishnard
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27
🚨︎ report
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"

Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15
🚨︎ report
What do you call a guy having a heart attack?

An ambulance.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JustAGuyInTampa
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you mix tea with Colbie Caillat’s Gypsy Heart album?

β€œYou don’t have to chai”

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hexspades
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18
🚨︎ report
Nurse: Okay doc, here's the list of heart and kidney donors in alphabetical order

Doc: Wow, it's very organized ;)

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/that-rad-kid
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16
🚨︎ report
My watch can call people, record my heart rate and even help me with my math

I have such a smart watch

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20
🚨︎ report
What do you call a surgeon that operates on dinosaur hearts?

A Cardio Jurassic Surgeon

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PieceMaker42
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25
🚨︎ report
My mate Gavin passed away from heart burn last week.

Still can’t believe Gaviscon

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lumgi01
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Poor woman’s heart is going to break.
πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lostcoastline44
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
🚨︎ report
What does a pirate say when he has a heart attack?

Arr me hearty!

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sky5598
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad (having an heart attack): Son call me an ambulance...

Son actually calls an ambulance.

Dad dies of disappointment.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vinnaey
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2018
🚨︎ report
TELL ME WHY? AINT NOTHIN BUT A HEART ACHE
πŸ‘︎ 56
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LuanGaff
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
🚨︎ report
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.

The poor man dyed a loan.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
🚨︎ report
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.

It has the heartiest appetite.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AwkwardGhost121
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
It was a lovely movie and I had a hot date, so I asked her to whisper something in my ear that would make my heart beat faster. She gave me this sly little smile and then she replied,

"Don't look now, but your wife is sitting right behind us."

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad has a heart of a lion

and a lifetime ban from the zoo

πŸ‘︎ 67
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DokTLF
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.

Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MeDandas
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2019
🚨︎ report
My father has the heart of a lion...

... and a life ban from the local zoo.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EngineersAnon
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
🚨︎ report
My grandfather has the heart of a lion

And a life time ban from the zoo

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cool-kid103
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2019
🚨︎ report
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital...

... he was on a fairway to heaven.

πŸ‘︎ 61
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stgm_at
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I felt shot through the heart.
πŸ‘︎ 62
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/potatosgalore
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Guess you could say, he had a big heart
πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RoastedBoi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
🚨︎ report
Grandpa: β€œDon’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”

β€œIf you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lol_u_ded
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
🚨︎ report
My doctor told me I had to avoid intense activities due to my heart condition.

Now I have to quit my job at the circus and cancel my camping trip.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRockingDead
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
🚨︎ report
β€œI told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??

Doctor: β€œSir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”

Sorry, It’s not a good hearted joke.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Husband: "I think I'm having a heart attack." Wife: "Ok darling, give me your password to your phone and I'll call an ambulance."

Husband: "Never mind. I'm feeling better!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife always says the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…

Lovely woman.

Useless surgeon.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2017
🚨︎ report
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.

I might have to deal with him later.

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad*has a heart attack*

Dad: Son, call me an ambulance!

Son:* crying *Dad, you’re an ambulance

Dad: I’m so proud of you * dies *

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/barrarmistead
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
🚨︎ report
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement

A lease in Wonderland

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kippekok
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Photo of police officer breastfeeding a stranger's hungry infant is warming hearts around the world.

After the feeding she couldn't get the baby to sleep so she charged it with resisting a rest

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ButterCupHeartXO
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?

I Q U

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OverKast78
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
🚨︎ report
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?

Lettuce

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
🚨︎ report
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!

Home is where the heart is.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. That is true love. The heart wants what the heart wants. ❀️
πŸ‘︎ 193
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AggieatLSU
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad: Son I'm having a heart attack call me an ambulance!

Son: You're an ambulance

Dad: Not bad

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/41d3n_P1355
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
🚨︎ report
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.

It was like love meant nothing to her.

πŸ‘︎ 867
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gt0t
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2018
🚨︎ report
My best friend Gavin died of heart burn

Still can't believe Gav is gone.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WaxyTax
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad: has a heart attack

Dad: call me an ambulance Son: uh..... You're an ambulance Dad.....

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MemeLord42021
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2019
🚨︎ report
My Grandpa had the heart of a lion...

And a life time ban from the Zoo.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/puggoamber
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.

She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the pig have a heart attack

Too much bacon.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/templaknight13579
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My kid got tattoos of a heart, club, diamond and spadeβ€”all without my permission.

I might have to deal with him later.

πŸ‘︎ 200
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2018
🚨︎ report
Beans, beans they’re good for your heart,

The more you eat...wait, how did it start?

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VeryLastBison
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
🚨︎ report
You wanna know the way to my heart?

A scalpel and a bone saw.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Charley144
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Want some Heart Shaped Cookies?

Its 100% Organic

(I'll Let You Figure this out yourself)

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/atenatjeayja
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Today, my daughter stole my heart...

it's ok though, its my least favorite part of the artichoke

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/parakeet777
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Some Dadjoke advice for all the lonely hearts out there

Here's what you should do:

Step 1: Buy a sheep

Step 2: name it "Relation"

And now... *drumroll* ... you have a relationsheep

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
🚨︎ report
My grampa has the heart of a lion

and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jbreitATX
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2018
🚨︎ report
As true laugh left his heart,

the only thing that remained was a walking sarcass

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Yaknow, I have the heart of a lion!!

And a lifetime ban from the NYC zoo..

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wildM4N04
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2019
🚨︎ report
My grandfather has the heart of a lion.

He also has a lifelong ban from the zoo.

#darkhumor

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gravydae420
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery

But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Possum
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart

Well wasnt that an unfortunate mis-stake

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Miller_Defoe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart

I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
🚨︎ report
My grandpa had the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the Zoo

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DeletedForSpamm
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27
🚨︎ report
Why should people with heart disease avoid sleeping outdoors?

Because camping is in tents.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06
🚨︎ report
I have the heart of a lion.

And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
🚨︎ report
My grandfather has the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
🚨︎ report
My grandfather has the heart of a lion...

And a lifetime ban at the zoo

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Wise_Guy_Plato
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2017
🚨︎ report

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