Doc, every time I smell Mexican food my heart races.

Doc: Sounds like tacocardia.

πŸ‘︎ 95
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ May 13
🚨︎ report
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."

I couldn't if I tried.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 27
🚨︎ report
To kill a French vampire, you have to drive a baguette through it's heart.

Sounds easy, but the process is painstaking .

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Nurse: Here is the list of heart, liver and kidney donors arranged in alphabetical order.

Doctor: Thank you. It is very organ-ized.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VeryLastBison
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30
🚨︎ report
A heart on
πŸ‘︎ 184
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/meow__meg
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04
🚨︎ report
Ain’t nothing but a heart break
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Punk_Rasputin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the criminal who had a heart attack while running from the police?

He went into cardiac arrest.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Luigiblade777
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19
🚨︎ report
What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?

You look nervous.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/trussikud
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11
🚨︎ report
How do you win the heart of a female Farmer?

Attract her.

πŸ‘︎ 220
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/digiBeLow
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03
🚨︎ report
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.

I took what he said with a grain of salt.

πŸ‘︎ 67
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/battebatmand
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15
🚨︎ report
"I love you from my heart to-ma-toes"
πŸ‘︎ 597
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BedHeadBread
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
If β€œa dream is a wish the heart makes...”

Does that make a fart a nightmare of the stomach?

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TDBear18
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16
🚨︎ report
A heart got caught in a drug bust...

It was a cardiac arrest.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Woohoo_Soopapoo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03
🚨︎ report
My Grandfather has the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the zoo

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGregGreg
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Heart transplant is a really heart touching surgery

Yeah that was it

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/its_boogeyman
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What vegetable lives in your heart?

Beets.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GreatGreenGobbo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
There was a post about a teen holding his own heart in his hands after a heart transplant, I thought these comments belonged here
πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FireNationed
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I would like to see a heart attack
πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EthanoicAcid2203
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
How did a heart end up in jail?

There was a cardiac arrest

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/qarasaq
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15
🚨︎ report
During an autopsy, why are the heart, kidneys, liver and lungs arranged alphabetically?

So they are organ-ized.

πŸ‘︎ 445
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/flippantteacup
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy told me the size of my heart matters more than my physical size.

Good thing I went to the cardiologist before the gym.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kngfbng
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02
🚨︎ report
Dad has a heart attack

Dad:has a heart attack

Dad:Call me an ambulance...

Son: uhhh... You're an ambulance....

Dad:....

Dad: That's my boy...dead

πŸ‘︎ 161
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/microblue00
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
The nurse made my heart skip a beat

It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jubulus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
COVID-19 can cause damage to the brain, heart, and lungs.

Luckily for Trump, he just needs to worry about lung damage.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
You want to know the way to my heart?

A scalpel and a bone saw.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
My horoscope said my heart would be broken in 12 years time.

So I bought a puppy to cheer myself up !

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:

β€œNo more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes”

I’m glad he still has his sense of humor through these tough times

πŸ‘︎ 139
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pranske3
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
🚨︎ report
He gets a mini heart-attack when the Australian waiter says "Check, Mate"
πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stunner19
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I find that the quickest way to man's heart

is with a very very sharp knife.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wreckage88
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I put original copies of "The Fall of the House of Usher", "The Murders in the Rue Morgue", "The Pit and the Pendulum" and "The Tell-Tale Heart" on credit hoping to pay them off slowly. Unfortunately, I couldn't make all payments...

He re-Poe-ed them.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My mate Gav sadly passed away this morning. Doctors say it was severe heart burn.

Cannot believe Gaviscon

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/schwifty98
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I have the eye of a tiger, the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the zoo

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Smelly_Anus69
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17
🚨︎ report
My dad has the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban at the zoo

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Trtlman
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08
🚨︎ report
A heart was recently caught in a drug bust...

It was placed under cardiac arrest.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Woohoo_Soopapoo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03
🚨︎ report
My granddad has the heart of a lion

and a lifetime ban from London zoo.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/per1sher
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28
🚨︎ report
My dad has a heart of a lion!

And a lifetime ban from the zoo

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Shoop76
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11
🚨︎ report
My grandfather had the heart of a lion

And a permanent ban from the nearby zoo

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jayraj77
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
The only way to kill a French vampire is to slowly drive a baguette through its heart.

The process is a little painstaking.

πŸ‘︎ 83
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I have the eye of a tiger and the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the zoo

πŸ‘︎ 217
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I have the heart of a lion…

And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.

πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My horoscope told me I was going to be heart broken in 12 years

So I bought a puppy to cheer myself up

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BOT_MX
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My grandpa has the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the zoo

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThaCrimsonChinn
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
🚨︎ report
My grandfather has the heart of a lion...

...and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MacItaly
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My old grandad has the heart of a lion.

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Yankee9Niner
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report

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