To kill a French vampire, you have to drive a baguette through it's heart.

Sounds easy, but the process is painstaking .

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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How do you win the heart of a female Farmer?

Attract her.

πŸ‘︎ 217
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πŸ‘€︎ u/digiBeLow
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03
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Ain’t nothing but a heart break
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punk_Rasputin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
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"I love you from my heart to-ma-toes"
πŸ‘︎ 596
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BedHeadBread
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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Heart transplant is a really heart touching surgery

Yeah that was it

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/its_boogeyman
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
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A guy told me the size of my heart matters more than my physical size.

Good thing I went to the cardiologist before the gym.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kngfbng
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02
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I would like to see a heart attack
πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EthanoicAcid2203
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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There was a post about a teen holding his own heart in his hands after a heart transplant, I thought these comments belonged here
πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FireNationed
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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What vegetable lives in your heart?

Beets.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreatGreenGobbo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend that I loved with all my heart left me while I was in the bathroom screaming with constipation.

It was the hardest dump I ever took.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Uckioh
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
During an autopsy, why are the heart, kidneys, liver and lungs arranged alphabetically?

So they are organ-ized.

πŸ‘︎ 440
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flippantteacup
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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The nurse made my heart skip a beat

It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jubulus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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My Grandfather has the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the zoo

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGregGreg
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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My grandfather had the heart of a lion

And a permanent ban from the nearby zoo

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jayraj77
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
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The only way to kill a French vampire is to slowly drive a baguette through its heart.

The process is a little painstaking.

πŸ‘︎ 90
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
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Dad has a heart attack

Dad:has a heart attack

Dad:Call me an ambulance...

Son: uhhh... You're an ambulance....

Dad:....

Dad: That's my boy...dead

πŸ‘︎ 161
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πŸ‘€︎ u/microblue00
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
You want to know the way to my heart?

A scalpel and a bone saw.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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COVID-19 can cause damage to the brain, heart, and lungs.

Luckily for Trump, he just needs to worry about lung damage.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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I have the eye of a tiger and the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the zoo

πŸ‘︎ 216
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
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I put original copies of "The Fall of the House of Usher", "The Murders in the Rue Morgue", "The Pit and the Pendulum" and "The Tell-Tale Heart" on credit hoping to pay them off slowly. Unfortunately, I couldn't make all payments...

He re-Poe-ed them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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My horoscope said my heart would be broken in 12 years time.

So I bought a puppy to cheer myself up !

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
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I find that the quickest way to man's heart

is with a very very sharp knife.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wreckage88
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My grandpa has the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the zoo

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThaCrimsonChinn
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
🚨︎ report
My grandfather has the heart of a lion...

...and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MacItaly
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
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My horoscope told me I was going to be heart broken in 12 years

So I bought a puppy to cheer myself up

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BOT_MX
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
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My old grandad has the heart of a lion.

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yankee9Niner
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
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My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:

β€œNo more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes”

I’m glad he still has his sense of humor through these tough times

πŸ‘︎ 143
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pranske3
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
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I have the heart of a lion…

And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
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My mate Gav sadly passed away this morning. Doctors say it was severe heart burn.

Cannot believe Gaviscon

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/schwifty98
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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He gets a mini heart-attack when the Australian waiter says "Check, Mate"
πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stunner19
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
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My son has the heart of a lion....

And a lifetime ban from the zoo!

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aka_Pineapple
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend and I were playing golf. He hit the flagpole on the shot and said β€œthat gave me a heart attack!”

I told him β€œactually that was a stroke”

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dingdongdan69
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
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My dad had a failing heart and refused to get surgery.

But in the end, he had a change of heart.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jazst
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
A sailor wrote a book about how to win a woman’s heart

It’s called β€œThe Art of Seaduction”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stgm_at
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I could never become a heart surgeon. Why?

I wouldn’t have the heart to do it

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hungry-fangirl
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
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My friend created an artificial heart from stuff he got from a mine and an old pistol...

The heart is a vital ore-gun.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I stole this girl's heart

I was arrested shortly after for murder

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mystic_Frost69
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Please accept my Heart Felt thanks.
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrShaunce
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My brother has the heart of a lion.

And a lifetime ban at the San Diego Zoo.

πŸ‘︎ 119
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deaderson
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Son: *having a heart attack* dad, call me an ambulance

Dad: okay, you're an ambulance

πŸ‘︎ 192
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πŸ‘€︎ u/x_amxxn_x
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Why should people with heart disease avoid sleeping outdoors?

Because camping is in tents.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Only way to kill a French vampire is to stab it in its heart with a baguette.

But the whole damn process is painstaking.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fyrebrand18
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
🚨︎ report
When’s the worst time to have a heart attack?

During a game of cherades

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ghastbuster95
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when a DJ get's a heart attack?

A beat drop.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HomoPragensis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My grandpa has the heart of a lion...

And a lifetime ban from the zoo

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MCVeteran69
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report

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