Dear Puns

The Opportunist.

I present you, the grief-case

Honking the horn won't make me text any faster.

Don't teach me how to bring up my children. I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.

Because it is

How do you expect me to lose weight, when all the pills you prescribe me, must be taken with food?

Get outta my face.

Hearing this, a little girl leans over to her mother and loudly asks: "Mommy, what is butt dust?"

She has obviously moved on already, and you should, too

But his Net income always put me off.

Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:

“Well, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer...”

pauses for effect

“...I guess I let it go to my head.”

Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...I’ll be making matching gifts to St. Jude’s or a similar organization).

Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another ‘incurable’ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...

Your sex change operation was a partial success.

“Don’t look down!” said my friend above me.

So I started smiling.

You will be mist.

No Idea

No eye-dear.

What do you call a dear with no eyes and legs?

Still no eye-dear.

which is why she lost her job as a cardiac surgeon.

I will find you. You have my Word.

Thanks for nothing

She says "Go ahead".
He says "Plethora".
She thinks for a second, looks down and replies "Thank you. That means a lot".

I'm getting real tired of your shirt.

(Change to "of you messing up my tests" for a more wholesome dad like joke ?)

She said "thank you, that means a lot"

I have no eye deer

and after a second, "For a moment there I thought it was the horse."

My therapist: Yes, I see that. Stop calling me Diary.

We'll be in touch soon.

No idear.

Ramen.

Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:

“Well, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer...”

pauses for effect

“...I guess I let it go to my head.”

Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...I’ll be making matching gifts to St. Jude’s or a similar organization).

Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another ‘incurable’ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...

Still No Idea

No I dear.