A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"

"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."

"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a dear with no eyes

No eye dear

What do you call a dear with no eyes or legs

Still no eye dear

What do you call a dear with no eyes or legs cut in half

Still half no eye dear

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/South_Bathroom
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Rudolph the Red knows rain dear
πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CV3C20
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Dear Santa ...
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mtravisrose
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Mum: I think u need a hearing test dear.

Why would I need a hairy chest?

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/R3nNy22326
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.

The Opportunist.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...

I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Dear people, don't carry your emotional baggage with you

I present you, the grief-case

πŸ‘︎ 96
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Schrodingers_liar
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Dear driver of the car behind me.

Honking the horn won't make me text any faster.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is venison so dear?

Because it is

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HungryMurry
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Dear Doctor,

How do you expect me to lose weight, when all the pills you prescribe me, must be taken with food?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Dear Acne

Get outta my face.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brian56537
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
On a Sunday morning in church, a priest starts his sermon and says: "Dear Lord, without you we are but dust"...

Hearing this, a little girl leans over to her mother and loudly asks: "Mommy, what is butt dust?"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/themostunknownowl
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Dear math, please stop asking us to find your x

She has obviously moved on already, and you should, too

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikeyboi12345
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
🚨︎ report
OC posted in honor of my dear father-in-law, who died of cancer today

Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:

β€œWell, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer...”

pauses for effect

β€œ...I guess I let it go to my head.”

Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...I’ll be making matching gifts to St. Jude’s or a similar organization).

Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another β€˜incurable’ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...

πŸ‘︎ 19k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bilgerat78
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Oh Dear
πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Dear Sir/Madam

Your sex change operation was a partial success.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I always wanted to follow my dear Dad as a commercial fisherman..

But his Net income always put me off.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I was hanging on to the cliff face for dear life.

β€œDon’t look down!” said my friend above me.

So I started smiling.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100Β° temperature...

You will be mist.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/--Giraffe--
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2018
🚨︎ report
oh dear, what will we do?
πŸ‘︎ 684
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πŸ‘€︎ u/free_30_day_trial
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Sherlock Holmes: My dear Watson, you have a mole on your right upper thigh. /r/Jokes/comments/fu4m13/…
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kookykau
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My dear old grandmother always used to say the way to a man's heart was through his stomach,

which is why she lost her job as a cardiac surgeon.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ubadishnard
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Dear whoever stole my disc copy of Microsoft office

I will find you. You have my Word.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DemApplesAndShit
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2018
🚨︎ report
Oh dear. I can’t bear it.
πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mistert65
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
🚨︎ report
πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mehaxe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
🚨︎ report
A man goes to a dear friend's funeral. He asks the widow if he could say a word for the deceased.

She says "Go ahead".
He says "Plethora".
She thinks for a second, looks down and replies "Thank you. That means a lot".

πŸ‘︎ 89
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bad_brazilian
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Dear whoever invented the number zero

Thanks for nothing

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tylerkozy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Oh Dear.
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fingers
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
🚨︎ report
A man went to the funeral of his dear friend and asked the wife of the deceased to ask if he could say a word, to which she said: Yes. He said "Plethora"

She said "thank you, that means a lot"

πŸ‘︎ 261
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pongogulous
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2018
🚨︎ report
Oh dear!
πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jrum7000
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Dear autocorrect,

I'm getting real tired of your shirt.

(Change to "of you messing up my tests" for a more wholesome dad like joke ?)

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Oh dear...
πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Berserkkiller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Dear me, it seems like I'm obsessed with writing letters to myself.
πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Dear punners, my biology class has to decorate our door. We will make a bunch of snowglobes out of petri dishes. But i need Pun! Help?
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/keishii10
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2018
🚨︎ report
The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stable when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored. "Oh dear," said the Queen, "I'm dreadfully sorry about that." "It's quite understandable," said the Archbishop,

and after a second, "For a moment there I thought it was the horse."

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
β€œDear Diary, I think I have trouble distinguishing between inanimate objects and human beings.”

My therapist: Yes, I see that. Stop calling me Diary.

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Dear Braille, I miss you.

We'll be in touch soon.

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2019
🚨︎ report
This is actual dialogue in a video game. Dear lord
πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SameerKhan7
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2018
🚨︎ report
Dear Mother in law,

Don't teach me how to bring up my children. I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a dear with no eyes

No Idea

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
🚨︎ report
OC posted in honor of my dear father-in-law, who died of cancer today

Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:

β€œWell, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer...”

pauses for effect

β€œ...I guess I let it go to my head.”

Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...I’ll be making matching gifts to St. Jude’s or a similar organization).

Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another β€˜incurable’ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KoronaSenpai
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a dear with no eyes?

No eye-dear.

What do you call a dear with no eyes and legs?

Still no eye-dear.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a dear with no eyes and no legs (continuation)

Still No Idea

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a dear with no eyes?

I have no eye deer

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/D3rpyD0lphin
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
🚨︎ report

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