A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
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︎ Jan 10 2021
What do you call a dear with no eyes
No eye dear
What do you call a dear with no eyes or legs
Still no eye dear
What do you call a dear with no eyes or legs cut in half
Still half no eye dear
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︎ Jan 10 2021
Rudolph the Red knows rain dear
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︎ Jan 09 2021
Dear Santa ...
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︎ Dec 24 2020
Mum: I think u need a hearing test dear.
Why would I need a hairy chest?
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︎ Jan 31 2021
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
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︎ Dec 14 2020
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
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︎ Jan 16 2021
Dear people, don't carry your emotional baggage with you
I present you, the grief-case
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︎ Oct 09 2020
Dear driver of the car behind me.
Honking the horn won't make me text any faster.
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︎ Nov 26 2020
Why is venison so dear?
π︎ 3
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︎ Dec 06 2020
Dear Doctor,
How do you expect me to lose weight, when all the pills you prescribe me, must be taken with food?
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︎ Nov 14 2020
Dear Acne
π︎ 8
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︎ Sep 28 2020
On a Sunday morning in church, a priest starts his sermon and says: "Dear Lord, without you we are but dust"...
Hearing this, a little girl leans over to her mother and loudly asks: "Mommy, what is butt dust?"
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︎ Sep 16 2020
Dear math, please stop asking us to find your x
She has obviously moved on already, and you should, too
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︎ Jun 30 2020
OC posted in honor of my dear father-in-law, who died of cancer today
Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:
βWell, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that Iβd beat lung cancer...β
pauses for effect
β...I guess I let it go to my head.β
Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...Iβll be making matching gifts to St. Judeβs or a similar organization).
Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another βincurableβ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...
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︎ Apr 17 2019
Oh Dear
π︎ 12
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︎ Apr 27 2020
Dear Sir/Madam
Your sex change operation was a partial success.
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︎ Jun 08 2020
I always wanted to follow my dear Dad as a commercial fisherman..
But his Net income always put me off.
π︎ 7
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︎ Jul 22 2020
I was hanging on to the cliff face for dear life.
βDonβt look down!β said my friend above me.
So I started smiling.
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︎ May 26 2020
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100Β° temperature...
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︎ Oct 31 2018
oh dear, what will we do?
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︎ Jul 08 2019
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︎ Apr 03 2020
My dear old grandmother always used to say the way to a man's heart was through his stomach,
which is why she lost her job as a cardiac surgeon.
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︎ Jan 27 2020
Dear whoever stole my disc copy of Microsoft office
I will find you. You have my Word.
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︎ Oct 20 2018
Oh dear. I canβt bear it.
π︎ 27
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︎ Aug 18 2019
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︎ Mar 25 2019
A man goes to a dear friend's funeral. He asks the widow if he could say a word for the deceased.
She says "Go ahead".
He says "Plethora".
She thinks for a second, looks down and replies "Thank you. That means a lot".
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︎ Feb 15 2019
Dear whoever invented the number zero
π︎ 6
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︎ Nov 30 2019
Oh Dear.
π︎ 8
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︎ Jun 16 2019
A man went to the funeral of his dear friend and asked the wife of the deceased to ask if he could say a word, to which she said: Yes. He said "Plethora"
She said "thank you, that means a lot"
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︎ Nov 03 2018
Oh dear!
π︎ 14
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︎ Jun 02 2019
Dear autocorrect,
I'm getting real tired of your shirt.
(Change to "of you messing up my tests" for a more wholesome dad like joke ?)
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︎ Nov 23 2019
Oh dear...
π︎ 15
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︎ Apr 22 2019
Dear me, it seems like I'm obsessed with writing letters to myself.
π︎ 22
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︎ Nov 10 2018
Dear punners, my biology class has to decorate our door. We will make a bunch of snowglobes out of petri dishes. But i need Pun! Help?
π︎ 4
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︎ Nov 19 2018
The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stable when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored. "Oh dear," said the Queen, "I'm dreadfully sorry about that." "It's quite understandable," said the Archbishop,
and after a second, "For a moment there I thought it was the horse."
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︎ Aug 02 2019
βDear Diary, I think I have trouble distinguishing between inanimate objects and human beings.β
My therapist: Yes, I see that. Stop calling me Diary.
π︎ 27
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︎ Jun 03 2019
Dear Braille, I miss you.
π︎ 27
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︎ May 22 2019
This is actual dialogue in a video game. Dear lord
π︎ 49
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︎ Oct 24 2018
Dear Mother in law,
Don't teach me how to bring up my children. I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Nov 26 2020
What do you call a dear with no eyes
π︎ 4
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︎ Feb 20 2020
OC posted in honor of my dear father-in-law, who died of cancer today
Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:
βWell, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that Iβd beat lung cancer...β
pauses for effect
β...I guess I let it go to my head.β
Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...Iβll be making matching gifts to St. Judeβs or a similar organization).
Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another βincurableβ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...
π︎ 24
π
︎ Apr 11 2020
What do you call a dear with no eyes?
No eye-dear.
What do you call a dear with no eyes and legs?
Still no eye-dear.
π︎ 19
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︎ Jan 18 2020
What do you call a dear with no eyes and no legs (continuation)
π︎ 9
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︎ Feb 20 2020
What do you call a dear with no eyes?
π︎ 3
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︎ Aug 28 2019
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