grow a pear
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
Please grow up and solve your own problems.
Now it's a doe friend.
"All the more reason to put him out."
https://preview.redd.it/bcdpnlqw0ii61.jpg?width=480&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9c9b5a863d4ef4541b30fb5fbeef18ad4cfa4f7c
Thank you for making me an expert in loading the dishwasher.
No eye dear
What do you call a dear with no eyes or legs
Still no eye dear
What do you call a dear with no eyes or legs cut in half
Still half no eye dear
The Opportunist.
Why would I need a hairy chest?
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
A no eye-dea
I present you, the grief-case
Honking the horn won't make me text any faster.
To him, they were just too dear.
Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:
“Well, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer...”
pauses for effect
“...I guess I let it go to my head.”
Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...I’ll be making matching gifts to St. Jude’s or a similar organization).
Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another ‘incurable’ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...
How do you expect me to lose weight, when all the pills you prescribe me, must be taken with food?
The farmer's wife said "300 times, isn't that wonderful, dear? Maybe you should watch him. Maybe he'll show you how..." The farmer replied "Yeah, he's a hell of a bull, but it wasn't all with the same cow."
Hearing this, a little girl leans over to her mother and loudly asks: "Mommy, what is butt dust?"
She has obviously moved on already, and you should, too
It's the rain, dear.
a zoo owner wanted a mongoose exhibit, so he wrote to the supplier - dear sir please send me a pair of mongooses, he thinks that doesn't sound right, so he throws it in the bin. try again - dear sir please send me a pair of mongeese, that doesn't sound right, so he throws it in the bin. try again - dear sir please send me a pair of mongi, that doesn't sound right, so he throws it in the bin. try again - dear sir please send me a mongoose
PS and another one
You will be mist.
De-calf-inated
Your sex change operation was a partial success.
But his Net income always put me off.
Lena could not leave them on the side of the road so they scooped the babies up and put them in the car. As they drove the baby skunks managed to make their way from the floor up Lena's dress and settled on her lap. Lena looked at Ole and said "the skunks are under my dress". Ole said "Zat's OK dear zey are settled down". Lena said "Vhat about the smell?". Ole said, "Oh, don't worry dear they will get used to it!"
“Don’t look down!” said my friend above me.
So I started smiling.
"Rudolph the red knows rain dear"
Don't teach me how to bring up my children. I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
No Idea
No eye-dear.
What do you call a dear with no eyes and legs?
Still no eye-dear.
Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:
“Well, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer...”
pauses for effect
“...I guess I let it go to my head.”
Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...I’ll be making matching gifts to St. Jude’s or a similar organization).
Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another ‘incurable’ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...
