Granddad Puns

and a lifetime ban from London zoo.

They finally kicked him out of the theater.

So we were visiting my grandparents, and just sitting down engaging in general conversation. Out of the blue my granddad announces "There's going to be thousands of people in Bristol tonight." My grandmother asks "Why?" He replies "Because they live there."

I wonder how far I can kick this bucket

Granddad lying in hospital death bed Grandma: "Alright, write your grandson a note for him to remember you by." granddad picks up paper grandma gave him and writes a musical note on it It was his grand finally.

He said, "watch me kick this bucket"

They blamed it on the cost of living.

It means I can't tell dad jokes anymore.

On the other hand, I can tell GRAND dad jokes. Even better!

It usually took him about a minute to tell this joke because he would start laughing every time.

What did the man say when he saw a herd of elephants coming? Here come the elephants.

What did the man say when he saw a herd of elephants coming with bags on their heads? Nothing. He didn't recognize them.

I never knew this is what he meant when he said he was retiring.

A church is cleaning up after a service, and they hear a noise in the back. They go to investigate, and they find a bear.

"Have no fear, I will not harm you."

"How can we tell?"

"I was just here to say a prayer."

"Go on."

"Dear lord, thank you for this food."

(When passing a graveyard)

Granddad: "how many people you think are dead in that graveyard?" Me: I don't know, 100? Granddad: "all of them" unsuppressed laughter

:/

Did those get old too fast?

Its my birthday. My granddad on my fathers side wants to tell a joke.

"There are three things that gets worse as you get older. First the memory, then your hearing, then your memory.

To which my granddad on my mothers side responds: "WHAT?!"

My granddad tells the joke again, and my granddad on my mothers side responds once again: "WHAT?!"

"I SAID THERE ARE THREE... oh...ah..."

Got on to the subject of ice skating after dinner, when my granddad told us that "you can have nasty accidents at ice rinks... Me and your grandma first met at one"

I'll never forget my Granddad's last words before he kicked the bucket...

"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

Granddad: do you know what the white stuff is in bird shit? Me: no Granddad: it's bird shit. And no matter how much mayonnaise you mix with it you ain't never gonna have chicken salad.

My dad and i were taking care of my granddad at his stay at the hospital today. The nurse comes in and says "Ok sir, im just here to take your blood pressure" Without missing a beat my dad says "Well are you gonna give it back?"

At thanksgiving dinner we were talking about pianos since my parents and my grandparents both have upright pianos. My dad asked what kind of piano my grandparents had and got the response from my granddad "an upright grand. Which means you have a downright shame."

Grandpa: Who caught that touchdown?

Me: Cobb, Grandpa.

Grandpa: Doesn't he have a relation named, Corn?

collective silence and groan from rest of family

family member: "I heard that he was an avid hunter."

Granddad: "Now, what kind of gun do you use to hunt avids?"

Anytime we're in the camo section of a store, Granddad: "ifoundausername, where are all the camo clothes?"

Me: so grandpa how does it feel to be a great grandfather now?

Him: well I always thought I was a good one before.

Grandpa: the young boy in the neighborhood is really mean. He fed the neighbors cat gasoline. It ran around the cul de sac a couple times. Then up a tree. Then down the tree. Then it just plopped over

Me: Dead?

Grandpa: No. It just ran out of gas.

What did the elephant do when he broke his toe?

He called the tow truck.

He gets some of the family together and tells this joke... A man runs up to a church entrance and is stopped at the door. "Sir,to enter the church you must be wearing a tie" the man then says "I need to go in this church,its my daughters wedding" the man guarding the church then says "How about you go to your car and try to find something to use as a tie". The man runs back to his car and raps some jumper cables around his neck as a tie and returns to the church, the man guarding the church then says "fine,you can go in,but just don't start anything".

Today at Thanksgiving dinner:

"Well I'm schizophrenic and so am I."

Dad upon entering the dining room: "oh! where am I going to sit?"

Granddad: "Well hopefully on your butt!--ho ho ho." And with a wry grin surveys the room.

My boyfriend's mother told his grandfather that my father is an artist. To which the grandfather replies: "oh, so am I. I draw flies."

My mom explains how she cooked the potatoes with duck fat. Granddad:"duck fat... how about fuck dat!... oh jeez"

Him: "You know, they say your memory is the 2nd thing to go..." Me: "What's the first?" Him: "I don't remember."

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub for a drink with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down the pub with me today? We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet… This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going down the pub with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time. This time he put his face up against the centipede’s box and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the pub with me? This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"

Some out of town relatives were in, so my family went to our grandparents house where they were staying. My parents were telling everyone about their Alaskan cruise they had just gotten back from:

Relative: How was the weather? It was freezing when I went.

Mother: It was actually quite nice. No rain at all. I remember when we were in Juneau I searched for the city on my weather app and got Juneau, Wisconsin and Juneau, Arkansas or something. I was like 'there's other cities named Juneau?' Isn't that weird?

Granddad: Oh yeah! Didn't Juneau?

[And no one heard but me]

Yesterday, my family and I were at a restaurant, where they happened to have a table where they sold candles, shot glasses, and other souvenirs. My grandmother picked up a candle, and my grandpa said: "Oye, son VELAS, no son TOCALAS" basically, in spanish "see them" is the same word as "candles". So he said "They're 'See them' not 'touch them'"

I have two Great Danes. One is named Oreo and the other is Moose.

Granddad: Does it ever make you uncomfortable eating Danish pastries or Oreo cookies?

He will come over, and look confusingly at the side of your head. "What's this 'ere?" (pause) "What's this EAR?"

Me: Do only tall people get hemmroids? Grandpa: No, only assholes do.

telling one of my grandfathers about how the other lost his front middle teeth to a ginger biscuit he replies with 'you know he' going to be pretty chilly this Christmas'

'why?'

'he hasn't got any central eating'

Setting:waterfront bar/restaraunt.

Granddad: "you guys get a lot of manatees in here?"

Me: "no sir, they can't fit through the door"

Her post translates as follows:

"Grandpa Jake and I sitting on the sofa quietly when the electricity finally returns.

Me: Oh, finally! Grandpa Jake: Oh...it's brown in now. Me: confused Grandpa: No more brownout grins"

My grandfather tells me this every year.

"My father once caught a turtle so he could make turtle soup that night. He put the turtle in a box to bring it home. He first stopped at the bar to see his buddies. His one buddy asks, 'Hey what's in the box?' He replies, 'I caught a turtle, a big one too.' He opens the box to show the turtle and asks his buddy what he thinks. His friend takes one look and says, 'That isn't a turtle.' My father caught a damn rock."

He said “Hey! Watch how far I can kick this bucket”

And also a lifetime ban from London Zoo