It was great advice.
Or was it?
You fall off
Nobody is taking it harder than my grandma.
He said "Hey, watch how far I can kick this bucket."
My grandad always hated the milkman. Every time the guy limped up to the door (he’d had his foot damaged in the war) to drop off our delivery grandad would always grumble and mutter. I asked the old man what he had against the milkman. I never got a good answer.
It wasn’t until years later that I figured out that grandad was just lack toes intolerant.
Still to this day holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
It’s our family hair loom.
No idea why the school hired him.
Runs in the family
Now he’s 72 and I don’t know where he is.
And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
...he went downhill very quickly after that.
...Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
In the end he was just throwing money down the drain.
He died recently surrounded by his family.
A stock broker
He's a seasoned veteran
Go and stand over in the corner if you're cold, it's ninety degrees over there.
He told everyone he could and you know what they did?
Kicked him out of the Cinema.
You cut a hole in the ice over a frozen lake, and when the bear reaches in to grab a fish... You kick him in the Ice-Hole
He accidently went down a one way road the wrong way as it was recently changed and he didn't realise. A cop saw him and pulled him over.
The cop came up to him, and said, "You do know this is a one way road?"
My grandad responded with, "I know, I'm only going one way!"
They both had a good laugh about it, ticket still issued. :(
off the Depends
One of his favorite things to say was that he was "getting around to it" Anytime we asked him why his desk was so unorganized that was always his response. As we were cleaning out his office we found this and i could help but laugh.
https://imgur.com/a/5WV0r
He doesn’t talk about it much though...
only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
Grandad: So it will be a local anaesthetic? Doctor: Yes, that's correct Grandad: No, no, I wanted an imported one
We spent ages winding up his estate.
Grandad- "Well I finally got to try out my walking shoes you got me for Christmas!"
Me- "Yeah? How were they?"
Him- "Well I took them out of the box and watched them for awhile, but they never started walking. Guess they're broken."
When your so bad to the bone you get a hip replacement
People would always looked so shocked until he'd reply "Back then, nine kids was fairly common"
"Oh, you'll have to excuse me, I can't hear out of one ear, can't see out of the other."
After receiving the bill at a restaurant, my grandpa would put his BC Care Card face down so that all you could see was the magnetic stripe.
After trying to run it through a few times, the server would flip the card over and realize his "mistake".
The server would return to the table, embarrassed for this senile old man, and explain that he gave her his Care Card by mistake.
My grandpa would then wink and say "I just wanted to show you I Care."
I was visiting as a kid, and saw a bumblebee for the first time (which we didn't have where I grew up - just smaller wild bees and honeybees). When I remarked on how enormous the bees were here, grandad kneeled down with a twinkle in his eye and whispered:
"You should see the size of the rabbits!"
We are discussing what food we are going to order at the restaurant:
Mum: What about smothered chicken?
Grandad: Could I get one that was traditionally slaughtered please?
... He was a butcher.
Eating at a soulfood restaurant and son ordered pigs feet (trotters) for the first time. Waitress asked him if he wanted hot sauce and vinegar. He declined and tried to eat the first one. He wasn't impressed. Waitress came back later and saw he was struggling and suggested he needed to put hot sauce and vinegar on them. He obliged.
When the waitress came back later to see if they were any better he said, "Yes. I guess I started out on the wrong foot."
"...so far so good"
but had to leave early because he kept staring at all the girls' asses. Hindsight's always 20/20, i guess.
Waitress "would you like any sauce with that?"
Grandad "No thanks I'm saucy enough."
Grandfather: So how's school going, do you like all your classes?
Me: Yeah they're fine, I was thinking about studying abroad next semester.
Grandfather: Yeah, I bet you wanna study a lotta broads.
Mammoth, do you know what a shitsu is?
A breed of dog?
No, a zoo with no animals.
uuuuuuuurghhhhh.
My grandad told me this one and it stayed with me forever.
"Did I ever tell you about the time that I was in the army?" he asked me one day, this should have told me something was off right away because no one ever even mentioned him being in any army. "I was having an affair with my superior officer, she was beautiful. But it was too weird, too strained by the fact that I was a private and she a Sergeant. So I pulled her aside one day and said, 'listen Tina, I have to break it off, it's getting too difficult to keep going. But she was mad about me and she started crying. I tried to console her, I said 'Don't cry for me Sergeant Tina!!'
Heard these from my barber today, didn't know what to say lol.
My Grandad could never throw things away, he died in WW2 still holding on to his grenade.
When my grandad was dying my grandma smeared his back in goose fat. He really went down hill fast after that.
He went in all buns glazing
