Womanly Puns

After 3 mins all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence

....and write "EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH" on top.

After all, there isn’t a vas deferens between the two ovum

The woman simply replied, “No peer pressure.”

Urinate out of 10

A man wearing scrubs walks into the room of a woman about to give birth.

The woman asks: "Are you the nurse or the doctor?"

The man replies: "I'm the delivery guy."

She wasn't lying.

Halfway through our date she walked out of the cinema.

Everyone thinks I'm have a Midwife crisis.

It’s called Wedding cake

A heavily pregnant woman walks into a bar in the middle of summer and orders a big glass of ice water. "Boy it's a scorcher out there," she says to the bartender. "Sometimes I wonder if it is too hot for the little guy in here." "Oh I wouldn't worry about it," the bartender replies. "It's probably just womb temperature."

They'd think something was wrong with me.

Me: "That's why men get paid more, because we get the job done."

But Bill kept the Windows

So I pushed her over

So he gave it to her.

The kids were nothing to look at.

she replied that it was very flattering.

She says: “That’s because I was sick”.

He tells the host he has come dressed as a snail.

"But who's the woman?" The host asks, confused.

"Oh, This is Michelle"

This was my 6 year old cousins favourite joke for a while and it still cracks me up especially given the concerned looks the adults share when the joke starts

Whalecum to pregnancy

Woman: how old do you think I am? Man: for your skin; 25, for your face; 20, for your body; 18 Woman: wow, you are good wi... Man: give me a sec I’m counting

Liquor in the front, poker in the rear.

“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”

She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"

You can unscrew a lightbulb

They don’t want to smear Themyscira

Gay. Very gay

When he arrives she says “I’ve decided what I want for dinner.”

Are they still brother and sister?

She puts her pajamazon

She sells, C cells by the seesaw.

The man, tearing up, takes his wife's hand and says, "Hi, Pregnant. I'm going to be a dad."

Then, I was born.

She asks the manager, "excuse me, do you have any flop-flops?"

I never got a straight answer.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, you're brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?

Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.

I then realized she's an amazon, so she gets next day shipping

You can unscrew a light bulb

Did you know that NASA sent a chicken to the moon?

You remember the a pollo missions.

She had lost $200, so I gave her $40 from the $200 I just found. When god blesses you, you must bless others.

Taken from dad jokes

Liquor in the front and poker in the back.