My wife's maiden name was "Hyperbole."

She says it came from her great, great, great, great, great-grandfather.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
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A knight was trying to woo several maidens he knew with some jokes...

He had different kinds of jokes for each maiden, as he knew they each had different types of humor. Margaret was first, and the knight stood before her and tried out a new knock knock joke. A boy watching nearby asked his mother, "why did he tell her a knock knock joke?" The mother replied, "well sweetie that's because her husband used to always tell them, so she appreciates them more." Next was Priscilla, and as the knight stood before her he tried out the joke the court jester told him. "Why did the knight use a court jester joke?" Asked the boy. "Well sweetie that's because Priscilla isnt very bright and she wouldnt understand most other jokes." Finally it was Dawn's turn. The knight began his joke but the mother quickly covered the boys ears. "Why did you do that?" Asked the boy. "Because you are too young for the humor the knight uses on her, and the knight is always darkest before Dawn."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeChadley
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
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A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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I was listening to Iron Maiden at 11:58pm yesterday...

It was 2 minutes to midnight.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
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What does every Iron Maiden fan have in common?

They all have a Fear of The Dark.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoldSrc_or_Source
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
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What do you call a picture of a picture of Iron Maiden?

Heavy Meta

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jakeopolis
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
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what's the maiden name of a dyslexic guys wife?

spelt

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bk2mummy4u
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2019
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Long, stupid Dad joke

The ancient Greeks greatly feared volcanic explosions from Mt. Olympus, so they developed a tradition of sacrificing young maidens to the Gods on the mountain. Every year they selected five girls, and sacrificed four. Then they assigned the other one to stomp the olive harvest. That’s where we get Extra Virgin Olive Oil.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Addama33
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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I once went on a maiden voyage on a cruise ship...

Five minutes later the voyage was no longer a maiden, and I am no longer welcome on the ocean.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ratboid314
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2017
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Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and values.

Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name"!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
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Why did Fleetwood Mac's Christine McVie change her name?

Her maiden name was Perfect.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
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Mental health hotline.

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.

If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
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I met an Asian girl today with the last name of "China"

It was her made-in name

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jskoker
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2017
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The Viking Tale of Bran Rudolph the Red.

There are many tales that have come from Viking lore but few are as lost as the tale of Bran Rudolph the Red.

It was said that he was blessed by God's with a keen ability to predict the weather. Due to this magical gift, he became a renowned seaman. Feared by his enemies, and respected by his bannermen. After years of successful raids and conquests, one of his shield maidens finally plucked up the courage and asked him how he does it.

"Bran, how do you always predict the weather? How have you always, managed to avoid every storm the sea throws at you". All his men laughed and looked up at their leader. Before he could respond, his right-hand man stood up and with a smile on his face and retorted, " It's simple. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Birdman27
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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What do you call a stay at home queen?

A maiden

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bruhmomentinator
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
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With son & Circuit City......

https://imgur.com/gallery/P13MxpS

Me: Do you have the new Iron Maiden cd?

Employee: A Matter of Life and Death?

Me: No, it’s not that important

Edit: formatting

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lastczarnian
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
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I was born straight out of Compton.

Compton just happens to be my mother's maiden name.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Perniciousus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2015
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Back to back eye rolls

Told my GF I just got two Iron Maiden tics. "That'll be a show and a half", she says, I replied with "actually it'll be at least 2 since someone is opening". She says, "Who", I said "no someone else"'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bmacdbacks
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2017
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Mr Barbeque and Miss Chocolate

My wife and I were driving through town when we passed a store named Mr Barbeque. I told her that it's a good store, but Mrs Barbeque claims all the credit.

After she grumbled for a while, we passed another store just a few blocks away, called Miss Chocolate. I explained that this was Mrs Barbeque's maiden name, she opened it up after she left Mr Barbeque. It was a very bitter divorce, she lost all the sugar in the settlement.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SimonHova
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2015
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This just happened. We were sitting round the table when...

Context: My mother's maiden name is Shearing and she had been at her parents, helping them out for a few days (they live far away) and had been talking about getting the wifi password, which was difficult.

So she said that she phoned her sister, but that a co-worker of her sister picked up. After being asked if he could help, my mother replied "Well unless you can tell me my dad's wifi password..." He laughingly replied "Sorry, that's not the type of information we share in this office."

Now my dad looks across the table, smiles and says "It's not the type of information they Shearing that office?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bfmGrack
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2014
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The difference between Iron Man and Iron Maiden is Stark.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MilitaryThyme
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2017
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Would an iron maiden be a fe-mail?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/synapticimpact
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2015
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